How far must we fall?

I was watching Bill speaking intelligently on real problems. Adressing hunger,poverty, disease, discrimination. Such fluency, intelligence, confidence. And then the babbling twirp came on.

How reckless and destructive does a person have to be efore there is national outrage?
Gas prices not high enough? Three trillion dollars in deficit not wreckless enough? 2000 dead american boys and girls, and 14, 000 wounded not enough? The complete destruction of american cities not appaling enough? The assault on liberty, choice, and science isn't your thing?
What will it take?
I'm reminded of a scene in Hamlet.

Hamlet:
See, what a grace was seated on this brow;
Hyperion's curls; the front of Jove himself;
An eye like Mars, to threaten and command;
A station like the herald Mercury
New-lighted on a heaven-kissing hill;
A combination and a form indeed,
Where every god did seem to set his seal,
To give the world assurance of a man:
This was your President. Look you now, what follows:
Here is your President. Have you eyes?
Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,
And batten on this moor? Ha! have you eyes?
You cannot call it love; for at your age
The hey-day in the blood is tame, it's humble,
And waits upon the judgment: and what judgment
Would step from this to this? Sense, sure, you have,
Else could you not have motion; but sure, that sense
Is apoplex'd; for madness would not err,
Nor sense to ecstasy was ne'er so thrall'd
But it reserved some quantity of choice,
To serve in such a difference. What devil was't
That thus hath cozen'd you at hoodman-blind?

Big Ass Calamari

If you ever watch Disney cartoons, the most trouble a tentacled creature can cause is the occasional face suction of Donald while fishing, or Goofy while water skiing.

Yeah, there's the giant squid in 20000 Leagues, and Ursula the sea witch is part octopus, but I see those as aberrations. I mean, the Japanese eat LIVE octopii, and they don't seem to suffer one way or another. Unless you count their sex-pervert comic books, but I hardly think that's the fault of an octopus or squid.

Recently, it's come to my horrified attention that octopii are the smartest creatures, excluding mammals (Mammals rule!) in the wide sea. Now as you watchTHISvideo, I challenge you to think on our friend the giant squid (Caught on Film in it's natural habitat for the first time in history, and pictured above) who can grow to be over 100 feet in length

100 feet. Sperm whales are attacked by these guys.

The Los Angeles Blackout of 2005

The city of Los Angeles descended into lawlessness earlier this week as a power outage swept through the poorest neighborhoods of Los Angeles, causing devastation. The effects of the Power Outage Jeff's wrath were felt all along the southland from Burbank to Huntington Beach. Ted disrupted TV watching throughout Los angeles and the American Red Cross is asking people to donate tapes of Cops, the View, and Maury. People were caught off guard as the suddeness and furor of Jeff took its toll on the elderly and infirmed, and jobless.

"I was going to only drink HALF my frappucino and then put it in the freezer."
Said longtime Larchmont resident
"Now i have to finish it. I'm not sure what's going to happen."

Frappucinos weren't the only ones affected. The beverly center became a trap for hundreds of shoppers as Air conditioning went out despite the building's generators kicking in. Reports are hazy but at least two waifs were treated for sweating.

The true horror of Blackout Jeff developed as dozens of refugees swarmed to the Staples Center where police describe utter chaos as bathroom attendants ran out of mints, and cell phone coverage became "Spotty".

Beverly Hills, we are glad to say remained unnafected by the outage. The city's homeless run power generators can keep the Rodeo area running for at least two weeks, provided they shoot anyone trying to enter city limits, which they may do anyway.

DEVO: The Next Generation

DEVO: The Next Generation
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

5th graders in Minnesota.

Whip it!

The happiest place on earth...FOR DEATH

Ok, I've been holding out on you. The weekend preceding my birthday I took a little trip with my brother and his girlfriend. I've been hesitating admitting to this, because I wasn't sure if I could EVER hope to recount in vivid enough detail the pallid, puffy extravaganza of neo gothic/industrial nerdery that filled Disneyland on what is known amongst certain acne prone circles as….BATS DAY (Minor Chord Struck Violently on a rusty pipe organ).

On a day that I assume holds some sort of celestial importance for being prone to gay paradox, my brother, myself, and his girlfriend, all clad in summertime pastels and shorts. Found ourselves in the Happiest Place on earth surrounded by unhealthy looking people in makeup and leather.

Behold! Herr Spritz! Master of darkness! And the most homoertically charged teenage boy ever to don a military uniform. Kindly note the grim stares of his eeeevil wenches as they pose by the drug induced portrait of ALICE!


Despite the obvious retardation and futility of wearing a leather corset in 100 degree weather, and then riding on splash mountain, or the fact that your makeup tends to run when you sweat like a hog in line to big thunder mountain. What was truly freakish wasn't so much the goth/industrial teens running (They don't really run do they? Moping? Is that the word? Lurching Perhaps?) around the park, but the horrible clash of cultures when older Goths who had bred, met face to face with the other freakishly clad families from the Midwest.

Picture with me, 200lb momma, 200lb Poppa, and their eight year old twin boys weighing in at a Buck fifty each. Wearing shorts, mouse ears, and NASCAR Tees. Now watch as they wait in Line next to 200 lb Momma in a schoolgirl outfit, 50lb Poppa in Neo's Outfit from the matrix, and their infant Gothling sportin a Mohawk, and black fingernail polish at the ripe age of two. To me, equally grotesque and chilling examples of people who never really grew out of a phase. Whatever the case, here we were all three groups at Disneyland. All of us laughing, spending money, and having a happy wholesome time at the happiest place on Earth. Kudos to the Disney company for achieving such inclusiveness at the risk of alienating the lame.

As for my nerdy, puffy, pasty, lords of darkness. The pierced, studded, chained, sickly, needy denizens of satan. You may be my mortal enemies on the outside, but in the line to Space Mountain, we are all six year olds standing on our tiptoes making sure we are tall enough to ride.

Happy Berfday to us!

The Late Hillbilly Musician Conway Twitty Would be 72 Y'all


The Late Boston Blockbuster Rocky Marciano would be 82. Adrian!


Lilly Tomlin Completes 66 Ringy Dingys


Rythm is gonna get Gloria Estefan at 48

Barry Gibb is staying alive at 59


Dr, Phill is still waiting to rot in hell at 55


And with an optimistic eye to the future and team Zissou behind me, I'm 29....GACK!

It's Scientific Fact

einstein999
Originally uploaded by larrysf.

My uncle and my dad often get to arguing when we visit my Right-Wing, Fundamentalist, Evangelical family in Los Gatos (San Jose). My cousins and I understand the futility of these arguments, so the "Kids" stay away from the conversations, but very often my uncle and dad get pretty heated. Ultimately I've learned a few things about how the conservative christian mind works:

1. A fetus is more important than a felon or a foreigner

2. Dinosaurs and man Coexisted, Jonah was Swallowed by a whale that is now extinct

3. Saddam does/did have WMDs and they are buried in the Desert. He and Osama are buddies.

4. Gay people are gay by choice, and can be ungayed through prayer.

5. Hollywood is terrible for poking fun at the midwest in About Schmidt, but is Hillarious for making fun of itself in Sideways.

I think whenever I start hearing our families squabble about extinct mega whales that swallow mythical prophets I'll just break into this song.

It's Scientific Fact

R.I.P.H.S.T

R.I.P.H.S.T
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

My good friend and mentor HST was scattered in across the mountains of Colorado in a ceremony last Saturday. From a Friend in attendace, the party was a good time for everyone. Long enough after Hunter's first big bang, to allow all the melancholy to sink to the bottom, and allow the happy memories to float to the top.

It gives me pause. This Morning on NPR i was listening to a man who wrote and helps other old people write their obituaries. Remembrance is an interesting thing, and Hunter has no doubt achieved his immortality, but what about the rest of us? I read not long ago about a Pittsburgh man who was such a Steelers fan that he had himself propped up on a recliner with his jersey, for part of the wake.

Personally, I want to be sat in the audience. just propped up on a pew or whatever, as my freinds eulogise me they can see my grinning corpse.

Then, I wany my skull removed and cleaned, and donated to the UNC theater department for use in productions of Hamlet.

I want my ashes scattered on Invesco Field at Mile High, and I want a tombstone in L.A that reads:

"Here Lies Alf LaMont Who Died Heroically While Saving his Family from angry Zulus in the Natal Province
1976-1879"

I want that tombstone somwhere with a lot of foot traffic so people get creeped out thinking they are stepping on my grave while in reality my final resting place is in the heels and cleats of those damn Broncos who better win another superbowl before I die.

Just some thoughts.

His noodly glory unto thee...

As you know, the backwards bumpkins of the Kansas school board have decided to force unto their students the preposterous theory of intelligent design as part of the science curriculum. In response, a youngster named Bobby Henderson has created a religion based on a Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the whole thing has snowballed brilliantly into an Anti Intelligent design movement. The

site

is pretty clever as well.
Ask yourself WWFSMD?

Update:
Please take a moment to check out the

incredibly simplistic and ignorant website

created by world class RETARD "Dr." Ken Holvind.
Pay particular attention to the appearnce schedule for Aug 28.

That's right folks.. I was raised amongst them.

Oh Christ No! No! Put it Away! Why God?

carrottop

As if he weren't tragic enough.
As if his strange eyebrow plucking in the style of Gloria Swanson, didn't make him a total freak.
I'm sure he's got some hilarious prop to describe steroid use.

Finally! A Match for Hercules the Liger

Hot DAMN!!!!
Originally uploaded by macslost.

I'm usually for the imminent pulverisation of unwanted wildlife, but i have to say its a crime and a shame that those hilbillys in FLA couldn't see this animal as a delicious freak of nature that should be captured and oggled at by people with no teeth, not blasted away by some bumpkin.

Orlando
June 16, 2005


Titusville - Anita and Charlie Rogers could hear the bellowing in the night. Her neighbors had been telling them that they had seen a giant alligator in the waterway that runs behind their house, but they dismissed the stories as exaggerations. "I didn't believe it," Charles Rogers said. Friday they realized the stories were, if anything, understated. Florida Parks and Wildlife game wardens had to shoot the beast. Joe Goff, a game warden with the Florida Parks and Wildlife Department, walks past a 13-foot, 1-inch alligator that he shot and killed in their back yard.

The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan

So when i found the sweet Nueva California Flag that I posted with my blue state rant, I came across

THIS

lovely "Build your own nation" site with a UN and all sorts of fun time-wasting stuff. Including the lovely Alfghani Flag (Pictured above and still in its Infant Stages)

Behold...


The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan
"Podex Perfectus Est"

UN Category: Scandinavian Liberal Paradise

Civil Rights:
Excellent
Economy:
Basket Case
Political Freedoms:
Very Good


Location: The North Pacific


The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan is a tiny, safe nation, notable for its punitive income tax rates. Its compassionate, intelligent population of 6 million enjoy extensive civil rights and enjoy a level of social equality free from the usual accompanying government corruption.


It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, socially-minded government stops and the rest of society begins, but it is mainly concerned with Social Welfare, although Healthcare and Education are on the agenda. The average income tax rate is 57%, and even higher for the wealthy.


Voting is voluntary. Crime -- especially youth-related -- is totally unknown. Alfghanistan's national animal is the puffin, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its currency is the Doh.

For the Official Site of the Grand Duchy, please click

Someone is more clever than I am...

nueva california
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

Dear Red States:


We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've
decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking
the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes
Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the
entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and
especially to the people of the new country of New California. To sum up
briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer.
You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get
Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of
America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get
two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their
fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If
you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and
they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets
coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn
up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's
Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90
percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the
U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the
Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech
and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to
cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans and their projected health care
costs, 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob
Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the
Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent
believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing the death penalty
or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent
that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards
believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New
California

Constantine

As i recall the gist of that movie was that Keanu Reeves died, went to hell for two minutes, and then came back all changed.

I was in hell for about a week, and though I'll skip over the details, let's just say that among the ruins of the last week of July Lies my residence, my vacation, and very nearly friends and job. So i'll spare you all the ghastly details work and friend realted, and move to the sordid affairs of Saturday and Sunday.

I started the Day with the dropping off of Two Metric Tons of Laundry, one ton of Dry cleaning, and donating three elephant's worth to charity.

Then, it was off to Little Tokyo for Lunch and the purchasing of accoutrements for the evening's festivities.

My brother and i ate some Yakitori, bought some headbands, and huffed on over to the paradigm softball game, just in time to heckle some really deserving people.

This is me at the beggining of the evening.


Please note the fact that I am standing. This will not be the case later on.

Drink Score:4

We then prceeded to the beac, where a Karate Kid Party was in progress. Being the coolest guys there, my brother, Ice-man and I had a few drinks, talked to some chicks, scored some digits and continued to the next party.

Drink Score:8

At the next party I pour myself a bourbon on the rocks and eat a few rice crispy treats and a brownie or two,
I recall nothing after that.



It's monday, and I'm still hung over.

Off to the Burn

bm_bingo
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

Its settled folks, I'm going!

Aliens on my back

I went and had a bit of hair maintenance done on my back this weekend.

As I walked into the place (Vietnamese?) where the wax ladies are, i saw them recoil in horror.

Rather than the usual one lady attending me, I was led back by two ladies this time, both short and almond eyed. They led me to a back room with a massage table and both of them went to work on my back. As I was sitting there under th clinical glow of flourecent bulbs, a thrid lady came in and began yapping away in Vietnamese? Taiwanese?
As the other two happily ripped hair from my back

I thought to myself, this is exactly what an alien abduction must feel like.

Hooray for...

My friend who works by the beach often comments on how strange "Hollywood People" are to outsiders, and how the town is often reffered to as Hollyweird. The remarks Irk me. I make a living in this town, and so do hundreds of normal people who eat, drink , sleep, and shit like everyone else. Of course we sell OUR shit. Anyway, I point out that beach communities are often ugly and prematuely aged due to sun damage, and that aloha floral prints went out in the late nineties.

Today, i got a rare dose of Hollywood at its most primal. All I can say, is that the desperation of an Actor who needs work, is a sad and sorry affair.

We get a call at 11:00 for an actor from Australia, who happens to be gay, and Asian. The role is of a Psychotic fashion Designer from Australia, of Asian persuasion, who is gay. Well, huzzah! The Day has come. Now mind you, this man is not a client. He's a friend of my boss, and this is a favor. Well, here's his opportunity. Unfortunately the Appointment is same day! Aiieee! In two Hours! Aieee Aieee! We call. His cell has been disconnected. We call his friend's house (Where he is staying), we talk...he has no car. My boss then offers to have me drive him.

Drive my new car? To the Disney Lot? And skip out on Work? On A Gorgeous day? Helllzyeah!

We drive there, and I get all giggly at the whimsy that surrounds the workers of the House of Mouse. We get to the place, sit down, and await his turn.

He goes into the office, and there's much screaming.
Actors.

He comes out sniffling, and all flustered,
Whatever...Let's go.
We're walking out, and I notice he had a bottle.

"You got a bottle of wine out of it."

I quip.
He continues to walk and nods,

"And some Fake Blow,"
In pseudo surprise.

He then tells me he spit on and Licked the assistant who was reading with him.

Jesus Fucking Christ.
Does no one ever tell these monkeys, that you don't lick and spit on people for ANY reason?

So we get a PISSED I mean, PISSED call from the Casting Directors.
So we field calls back and forth all day on this idiot, and we get a phone call from Las Vegas. One of my Boss' friends has a great Australian Daredevil she needs to meet. He's going to jump over the sphynx of the Luxor on an ATV.

Fucking great. And maybe he'll whip it out and piss on the audience as he sails to his death.

Fucking Australians.
Fucking Actors.
Fucking Hollywood.

Tired Old Ass, Film Reviews.

Statler and Waldorf of Muppets fame are reviewing movies for the time being. To my suprise, despite the lame "Family friendly" muppet stuff, they manage to get across some zingers on Hollywood. They make a pretty funny comment about prefering Gene Wilder of Johnny Depp. In fact, I enjoyed it enough to add it permantly to the sidebar as "Movie Reviews". Add that to my friend's blogs, and the weather by David Lynch...yessir. I'm achieving the swig of Alf nicely.

Final frontier.

scottycomputer
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

[faced with a 20th century computer]
Scotty: Computer. Computer?
[Bones hands him a mouse and he speaks into it]
Scotty: Hello, computer.
Dr. Nichols: Just use the keyboard.
Scotty: Keyboard. How quaint.

1920-2005

Master Shake

Master Shake
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

For the third time this month, someone has compared me to Master Shake from ATHF. I'm not bragging, i'm just saying some people know and others think. Me..I'm a knower.

Liberte' Egalite' Fraternite' ...Blogite'

Joyeux fete nacional a tous mes amis.
Si vouz voulez ecouter La Marseillese, cliquez sur le link aux le sidebar qu dite "Weather". Merci a Le grand Directur et fou professional David Lynch.


Viola" Pour leurs qui veut chanter avec la musique.

Allons enfants de la Patrie, 
Le jour de gloire est arrivé! 
Contre nous de la tyrannie! 
L'étendard sanglant est levé (bis) 
Entendez-vous dans nos campagnes 
Mugir ces féroces soldats? 
Ils viennent jusque dans vos bras. 
Egorger vos fils, vos compagnes! 

Refrain:
Aux armes citoyens, 
Formez vos bataillons 
Marchons, marchons 
Qu'un sang impur 
Abreuve nos sillons 

Urban Warfare

I was walking down Melrose with my new camera and my friend, when we came across this interesting window display. It's very Britney Spears.Perfect for the gun rack in the H2

Nobody Knows the trouble I've seeen.....

I was recently chatting with a bunch, I mean about 8-10 people from my circle friends. I don't like to brag, but I have often commented on the upward mobility and top 1 percentileness of the people I tend to hang out with. Having been shocked at some of my brother's group of friends, and their shaky lifestyles (I noticed several youngsters bearing many woulds of varying severity). And though I can't say all my friends are entirely guiltless of acquiring wounds within their years, I certainly can say, with pride, that there are no fresh wounds on any of my friends. I can say the same about unwanted pregnancies, drug addiction, violence in general. My group is a stable, sane group of well employed, and well educated people. Shockingly, as i was conversing with the nine, I found out a lesser known fact about all my chums. We have all, at one point or another, been handcuffed, put in the back of a Police cruiser, and taken to a holding facility of one form or another for various stretches of time. How can this be? As a group we range from the mild mannered librarian types, to the beastly binge-weekend types, but all of us had some time in the clink, and the stories to share. Here are some interesting Figures for you all to digest.



Since 1976, the USA has executed more than 970 prisoners. In 2004, 59 prisoners were executed (an average of one per week). Between 1990-2005, the USA executed the most child offenders in the world.

In 1968, there were 517 prisoners on death row in the USA. Currently, more than 3,400 are on death row waiting to be executed - legally. Death row numbers have increased about 4.9 times as fast as the American population. 68% of all death verdicts are eventually reversed by courts, due to various serious errors in the criminal justice system. Since 1973, 119 prisoners have been exonerated from death row.

The USA incarcerates the most people per head of population than any other country in the world. More than 2.2 million of the world's 8 million prisoners are incarcerated in the USA (1 in every 75 males). The USA has over half-million more prisoners than China, with only one-quarter of China's population. Since 1980, the USA incarceration rate has more than tripled. Currently, 6.9 million Americans make up the correctional population. More than 4 million Americans are on probation and 800 thousand are on parole.

1 in every 31 Americans are either in prison, in county jail, in police custody, on probation, on parole, or on community service.

Each year, the USA incarcerates more than 10 million people. More than 2.3 million child offenders are arrested every year. More than 10,000 child offenders are held in high risk adult prisons.


Each year, there are some 3,000 reported deaths-in-custody. Ten years ago, only 150 deaths-in-custody were reported. The incarceration rate in the USA is currently 726 per 100,000 people. Almost two thirds of world countries have incarceration rates of 150 or below, per 100,000 people. The USA has the toughest prison sentences in the world, which include the death sentence and life in prison without parole.


On average, the USA homicide rate is 7-9 per 100,000 population. Texas, the country's leading execution state, has actually experienced an increase in the homicide rate. In the city of Los Angeles alone, there are 20-50 murders every 24 hours. The USA has the highest rates of childhood homicide, suicide and firearm-related deaths among 25 industrialised countries. There are more than 28,000 gun-related deaths every year in the USA. The overall firearm-related death rate among American children less than 15 years of age is 12 times higher than in all 25 industrialised countries combined. The overall firearm-related homicide rate is nearly 16 times higher. The firearm-related suicide rate is nearly 11 times higher.

(source: U.S. Bureau of Justice stats - Nov. 2004, FBI stats, USA Sentencing Project, USA Department Health and Human Services, Death Penalty Information Centre, International Centre for Prison Studies, Amnesty International)

Now get this.

In 2005, the adult correctional population reached a record high. If recent incarceration rates remain unchanged in the USA, an estimated 1 in every 19 Americans will be incarcerated during their lifetime.

Seems like we'll all be having a criminal past in common.

Elephant Girl

My friend Ben and I were sipping margaritas and noshing on Nachos one Saturday after sunning ourselves at a local Beach. As is common in Los Angeles, a woman more beautiful than we could have ever imagined walked into the restaurant. Our Cabo-Cantina Venus, was escorted by a very tough, but very miserable looking bald man who looked peeved, as his girlfriend or ward (It's tough to tell sometimes) chatted away on a heavily blinged Blackberry. As we both oggled the scene and wiped drool from our chins, young Benny turned and asked, with the wide eyes of inexperience,
"Do I even want a girl that hot?"

I recounted this tale:


In Old Siam, before it was known for gender bending, the elephant was revered as something of a holy creature. Even to this day, the elephant is known as an object of good luck in Thailand, and can be seen branded on the lower backs of many teenage prostitues. No other animal holds higher esteem in Thai culture.

When a WHITE elephant is born in Thailand, the entire country goes apeshit. The king and the entire royal family, travel to wherever the elephant is, and have some sort of party I think. I'm not exactly sure of the details, but I'm pretty sure they put a costume on the elephant, not a wig or anything like that, but gold and stuff. Regardless, the WHITE elephant is the ultimate symbol of good fortune and holiness in Thailand. You will even find it on the national flag

However, an astute king, King Rama the Somethingth, was known to present white elephants to nobles who displeased him.

How could this be? Why would you gift a priceless animal, who embodies all that is holy and fortunate, to your enemies?

King Rama knew that an elephant makes for a terrible gift. They eat much more than anyone but the extremely wealthy can afford, they run rampant over gardens, poop small houses evey five minutes, and are generally stinky and unpleasant. Very often this amazing gift spelled ruin for the haughty nobles, who could not return or deny such a blessed creature.

Much like going to the zoo and seeing elephants. You admire and love them from afar, but what would you ever do with one if you owned it?

Sin City Brings Blog Notoriety

So I was in Las Vegas for the fourth of July weekend, and despite coming home pennyless and with a severe case of Post-Party depression, my friend Nick and I, who share the distinciton of being the two most clever and arcane assistants in Hollywood, scored blog gold. While skipping down the 200 degree pavement, on our way to the classless, ego-trip known as the Wynn (Where people can see a Lamborghini!!), we were handed one of many call girl cards that help keep the immigrant poulation of Las Vegas employed. One in particular caught Nick's eye.

"I think that's Elisha Cuthbert"

Knowing Elisha From the Thighmaster's Endless Raves, and being a fan myself, i went and picked up the already discarded card. Sure enough, the milky-white mug and pouty lips of one miss Cuthbert appeared with the promise of $47 gratification (Visa and Mastercard accepted). Nick exclaims
"This would be great Defamer material"
I agreed and stored the card in my wallet as Nick did the same.
Nick Submits to defamer and BAM! There it is. Our favorite Blog posts something from our trip. Not two seconds later my other favorite Blogs (Thighs Wide Shut, and Pink is the New Blog) also have comments. Glowing in the light of our victory, i start thinking..I SHOULD HAVE POSTED HERE! And then LINKED to the other blogs so I could get more traffic. Nonetheless, this proves that we are just petty enough, and just strange enough to run with the big dogs. Now If only I weren't so Lazy about posting, and if only Nick got a Blog....Ahem.

Cruise Control

So freaking funny.

Ok, I'm done. Enough about that midget and his cult.

But ohhh man, that's funny.

Tomkat, Jacko, and Other Trite Obsessions

This month was a banner month for the trite obsessions and interests of the american populace..For starters the giggling, grinning, self- obsessed heap of motherlove known as Tom Cruise, has proposed to the doe eyed, b-lister formerly known as Katie Holmes (From this point on we will refer to her as Scientology Soul-Pod #49866 or 49866 for short). Kate and her diminuitive fiancee' have been stomping around the world in a toothy, mid-life crisis tour, spreading the gospel according to lunatic, and showing the rest of the world what hollywood already knew- That Tom Cruise is a gay dwarf with a science fiction fetish, who has no sense of humor. To boot, the much ballyhooed abroad but, hmmm...strangely neglected at home film starring the very scientologist of our dreams, has today announced that no critics will be allowed to see it untill it goes on wide release. Translation: Not even L. Ron Hubbard can save this turkey. I mean the film, not Tommy.

However, the official jumping of the shark by a once respected, but now bewildered and increasingly militant sex symbol wasn't enough, oh no, the trannie queen of pop himself made huge news this month. How badly must your career be going , when beating a charge of pederasty is considered a victory? Did the defense prove that Jacko was not a drooling pervert? No. Instead, the prosecution proved that the defendant and his family were bigger weasels than the famous Giant Weasel of Aberdeen. How can a DA base his entire case on a woman who put a finger into Wendy's chili? Not the same scam artist you say? Then you missed the point,and need to take a lap. Couple this with the hillarious hillbilly antics of Britney and Kevin "I'm gonna be a momma y'all!", and the ever shrinking binge and purge Richie/Lohan/Olsen hydra, and its enough to make you want to lick an outlet.

What truly shocks me is the amount of interest that the public seems to devote to these small-bus personalities, with Bentley wallets, and Hummer egos. Yes, me included. But I have two things going for me. Firstly I have the industry excuse, whereI need to be in touch with how the public sways in order to keep an edge in my phone-answering and copy-making. And secondly, i need to feed my inner bitch. However, what does the double stuff'd, chocolate dipped, peanut butter Oreo, demographic, care if Pauly Shore is dating Jenna Bush or not (Their publicists, have not returned my calls). I learned a shocking statistic from Bill "I'm gonna be a momma y'all!" Moyers. The gap between the rich and poor in this country, is equal to the gap in 1928. Ok, let's review a little history for those of you who tuned out when I invoked Bill Moyers.

1776: U.S is born
1928: Great Depression
2005: Tom Cruise gets engaged to Katie Holmes

The fact is, that this country is in a crisis. More debt, more inequality, more violence, more intolerance, annd the people who it affects the most sit idly by and suck the stuffing out of a hot-pocket with a straw. This lack of involvement and outrage, will affect the people who are blind to it the most. The people who's kids will be kept from college because of prohibitive costs. The people who will need social security because their savings were swallowed by credit-card debt, and hometown buffet. The people who will need medicare and medicaid, and even larger more inclusive socialised medicine because they developed diabetes after LOOKING at a Dominos Cheeseburer Pizza, and the Shamrock shake at McDonalds. I do sense that things will be getting a lot worse before they get better. Gas is supposed to climb to $3.00 this summer, we have an endless war on our hands, the number of kids killed in Iraq is about to equal the WTC death count, our economy is floundering, joblessness is up, and most terrifyingly, Paris Hilton is getting married. Jesus Christ, where's the defense of marriage act when you need it?

KNOW YOUR ENEMY!

Ok, I never liked cats. I have two cats that I come in close contact wth, and both are mildly cute, but at the end of the day no freaking way. For starters, they are dirty. There's an inherent toxicity and grossness about cats. Worms, fleas, FIV (Feline HIV) , it's a mess. Then you get the attitude, the claws with the "Cat Scratch Fever". What is that? I had a friend who's own cat BIT her, and she had to be hospitalised from the ensuing infection. I have frinds with scars from the nasty scratches of their animals, who also scrape around in their poop. Why is it not ok to have dog feces or human feces indoors, but t's ok to have cat poop lying in sand. And when is it time to clean the litter box? When it stinks. Awesome. I have always commented on this to the thorough poo-pooing of people who love their cats, but now....aha! I have it!

PROOF at long last that those hacking vicious disease ridden animals are detrimental to your health.

The things done in thy name.

For Blog Readers Only

I thought I'd let people know who deserve to. Following my friend Kenny's line of thought, I have moved, up. I will be living in a gorgeous place, in a better neighborhood, with finer ameneties. No one knows that I'll probably be able to move in next week. I'll leave it as a suprise for my non blog reader friends.

Jesus H. Christ!

My dear cousin is getting married this weekend. Though I love him, and our families are close, there has always been a slight rift in our belief systems. They are right wing Jesus freaks, we read books. Crazy thing is, today of all days i came across some pretty severe Jesus stuff. Please Enjoy the preachings of the Landover Baptist Church. And then quickly follow suit with this video of Appalachian Snake /Jesus People. The Money Shot is when the preacher gets bitten near the end, though the entire thing is worth a look-see simply for the anthropological value.


Suffer not a woman to teach nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
1 Timothy 2:12-15

Addendum: In case you think only Appalachian and Southern Baptist Customs are a bit screwy, take a moment to read THIS ARTICLE, courtesy of my buddy Dave.

The Disenfrachisedator

Last Night, in lieu of watching LORDS OF DOGTOWN with a sultry starlet as I was promised, I went through the emotional equivalent of cutting myself (In the style of a teenage goth chick), and had a lovely dinner with my ex girlfriend. It was a pleasant affair. No punches were thrown, there were no major insults or injuries, and the evening ended with the viewing of the excellent Documentary DOGTOWN AND Z BOYS. This wonderful piece tells the story of The Zephyr Skateboarding team, and the advent of modern skateboarding. A wonderful story that revels in a special place and a special time where young people changed a sport and a subculture was born…riveting stuff. In the middle of this luscious documentary, in the throes of free summers, long hair, and unbridled youth, appeared the enormous block head of one Henry Rollins. Who the hell is this guy? Why on earth did he get two minutes to discuss how he likes skateboarding. His appearance in this documentary was the most trite, useless moment, but there he was! Veins a-bulging, eyes a-blazing. This man obviously feels he has much to say, and does he ever. His IMDB credits list a HUGE number of films he’s done… none of which I recall seeing, much less seeing his beefy melon in them. So ok…he’s not an actor per se. So what is he? I sat through a bit of his soon to be embarrassingly brushed aside program on IFC: Henry’s Film Corner. He reviews films with the insight of an angry Minnesota teen.
“THIS HAS NO PLOT!” He’ll exclaim. “I TRIED TO FIND IT AND IT WAS NOT THERE!”
Bravo captain subtle. Score one more for the tattooed intellect of Henry the Filiminator. Truth be told, he possesses the clout of a Star-Wars nerd who lined up at the wrong theater. So , ok we can agree a serious film critic he is not. But I did learn that he postures a heavy amount. He represents himself as an extreme sort of outsider, like a WWE wrestler that stands for …er… outsiderness. We’ll call him the Disenfrachisedator. Ok so, he’s really intense and certainly has much to say…about music? He has a show on a favorite local radio station. Granted I listen to that station often and hadn’t realized it, but nonetheless he was the front man for the band Black Flag. A punk/body-building band of the eighties that sort of began that whole punk/body-building craze…ahem. So he writes poetry that no one’s ever heard, and he yells. I think that’s the gist of it. Henry is angry, and disenfranchised, and frighteningly tattooed, and muscle-bound therefore he has his own show. It’s a cunning combination, you see? I’m angry and disenfranchised, but not tattooed or even remotely muscled. Hence not qualified. Likewise, Barbara Bush is muscled and tattooed, but not dejected or upset…no TV show for her.

I’ve come to realize that certain combinations work in Hollywood in absence of a marketable skill. For Paris it’s the lethal combo of money, slutiness, and idiocy. For George Lopez it’s being Hispanic and not employed as a gardener, along with his goofy eyes (Gawd aren’t they hilarious?). For Andy Dick it’s unbridled gayness, a coke addiction, and eyeglasses (because they’re disarming) . And for Henry, it’s pissed of musculature under the guise of depth that will pay his way into a comfy retirement. As for his show on IFC, I recommend that if you ever drink solo, and are looking for a fight, you turn your cable box to IFC and allow Henry to threaten you till either you put your fist through the screen, or pass out, exhausted by the intensity of the nothingness that is Henry Rollins.

I pray he can’t read.

On a more whimsical note, I found more pictures of Hercules the LIGER. Does a TIGON have skills in magic as well?