Last Night, in lieu of watching LORDS OF DOGTOWN with a sultry starlet as I was promised, I went through the emotional equivalent of cutting myself (In the style of a teenage goth chick), and had a lovely dinner with my ex girlfriend. It was a pleasant affair. No punches were thrown, there were no major insults or injuries, and the evening ended with the viewing of the excellent Documentary DOGTOWN AND Z BOYS. This wonderful piece tells the story of The Zephyr Skateboarding team, and the advent of modern skateboarding. A wonderful story that revels in a special place and a special time where young people changed a sport and a subculture was born…riveting stuff. In the middle of this luscious documentary, in the throes of free summers, long hair, and unbridled youth, appeared the enormous block head of one Henry Rollins. Who the hell is this guy? Why on earth did he get two minutes to discuss how he likes skateboarding. His appearance in this documentary was the most trite, useless moment, but there he was! Veins a-bulging, eyes a-blazing. This man obviously feels he has much to say, and does he ever. His IMDB credits list a HUGE number of films he’s done… none of which I recall seeing, much less seeing his beefy melon in them. So ok…he’s not an actor per se. So what is he? I sat through a bit of his soon to be embarrassingly brushed aside program on IFC: Henry’s Film Corner. He reviews films with the insight of an angry Minnesota teen.
“THIS HAS NO PLOT!” He’ll exclaim. “I TRIED TO FIND IT AND IT WAS NOT THERE!”
Bravo captain subtle. Score one more for the tattooed intellect of Henry the Filiminator. Truth be told, he possesses the clout of a Star-Wars nerd who lined up at the wrong theater. So , ok we can agree a serious film critic he is not. But I did learn that he postures a heavy amount. He represents himself as an extreme sort of outsider, like a WWE wrestler that stands for …er… outsiderness. We’ll call him the Disenfrachisedator. Ok so, he’s really intense and certainly has much to say…about music? He has a show on a favorite local radio station. Granted I listen to that station often and hadn’t realized it, but nonetheless he was the front man for the band Black Flag. A punk/body-building band of the eighties that sort of began that whole punk/body-building craze…ahem. So he writes poetry that no one’s ever heard, and he yells. I think that’s the gist of it. Henry is angry, and disenfranchised, and frighteningly tattooed, and muscle-bound therefore he has his own show. It’s a cunning combination, you see? I’m angry and disenfranchised, but not tattooed or even remotely muscled. Hence not qualified. Likewise, Barbara Bush is muscled and tattooed, but not dejected or upset…no TV show for her.
I’ve come to realize that certain combinations work in Hollywood in absence of a marketable skill. For Paris it’s the lethal combo of money, slutiness, and idiocy. For George Lopez it’s being Hispanic and not employed as a gardener, along with his goofy eyes (Gawd aren’t they hilarious?). For Andy Dick it’s unbridled gayness, a coke addiction, and eyeglasses (because they’re disarming) . And for Henry, it’s pissed of musculature under the guise of depth that will pay his way into a comfy retirement. As for his show on IFC, I recommend that if you ever drink solo, and are looking for a fight, you turn your cable box to IFC and allow Henry to threaten you till either you put your fist through the screen, or pass out, exhausted by the intensity of the nothingness that is Henry Rollins.
I pray he can’t read.
On a more whimsical note, I found more pictures of Hercules the LIGER. Does a TIGON have skills in magic as well?