Friday, December 16, 2005

The War on Christmas

big-presentWhat the hell is wrong with "Christians"? By "Christians" I don't mean the lovely people who take their religion seriously and to themselves. I mean the idiots who insist of force feeding their version of Christianity on everyone else. As is my custom, I have taken the time to dissect the Holiday that we all celebrate, and see why the evangelists were all up in arms about "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". As you might have guessed, the root of the outrage is ignorant hipocrisy and good old fashioned retardation.

For starters, let's do a little thinking. I know, Leviticus 21:34 says "And yea, he that thought was smitten by a plague of boils in the naughty bits. For thinking displeases the lord, and giveth unto him a headache" . However, I think it's also Leviticus 33:10 that reads "Go not into the ocean's waters, lest you be wearing a feathered hat and be carrying a newt, for that is unclean.". So I'm pretty sure we can all agree to let Leviticus and his wacky antics be.

So why is "Happy Holidays" so wrong? Anyone? Yes, the retard in the back.

Ok, so the premise is. Hey! No giggling. The answer given to us by Fox News is that "Happy Holidays" ignorest the religious significance of the season.

Who said that? What? Kwanzaa? Hannukah? New Years? Those don't exist. The holiday season is ONLY Christmas, and retailers should not pay any attention to those Jews, Niggers, and Chinamen that try to say otherwise. Only people who love Jesus shop during the Christmas season.

Since we are being such fucking purists about making the Holiday Holy, let's address some other things you assholes should note about Christmas.

For starters, let's just say that Christmas is no big deal. At least religiously it isn't. The biggest, mightiest day of the year for Chrstianity is Easter. Christmas was barely celebrated untill the 1860's when Macy's started having Christmas sales and decorating their window displays with Christmas themes. Since then, christmas has become more and more important every year. Now we see that retailers make up to 70% of their yearly profits and miraculously (By the hand of Jesus, no doubt), the Christmas season has become THE holiday for American evangelicals.

Next, let's make sure your wretched offspring pray to ALL the Saints. As a Catholic I take great pride in the religious A-Team, known as "The Saints". I can claim a connection from Saint Francis, to Saint Bernadette. From Saint Vitus and Genesius to all the holy martyrs. But you freaky zealots deny the divinity of saints. Unless it's tied to shopping, and finance. Saint Patrick, saint Valentine, and Saint Nicholas, have proven to be consumer friendly and therefore thay are widely accepted by the heaten evangelical prods. Saint Nicholas Bishop of Myra was a minor saint who lived around 325 AD. The current gift-giving, jolly old elf is an interpretation of this Saint taken from the Netherlands, and given a commercial career by Coca-Cola during....the 1860's.

Finally, make sure you buy enough gifts for all twelve days of the "Cristes maesse". The religious observance and gift giving of Christmas extends THROUGH JANUARY 6. I know most of you think of it as once a year thing, but if you guys want to own it, then OWN it.

The list of hypocritical and adopted traditions that benefit the consumerist orgy of an American Christmas, is too long to list. It's amazing to me that the right would concentrate on opposing an inclusionist statement like "Happy Holidays" , a statement that says "Good will to all, and Peace on Earth regardless of who you are or what you celebrate". Christmas time is not the time when Jesus was born. Who knows when the exact date for that was? The early church chose this time of the year because of the universal feeling of renewal that comes at the end of a year. The birth of Christ SHOULD be connected with the birth of a New Year, the birth of hope and what is to come. That is universal and it makes the tale and life of Jesus all the more potent. The fathers of the church knew that. They knew that their message of hope had universal appeal, and so joined with all the peoples of the world in welcoming hope and love into the world as we all begin the next cycle of life. THAT is Christmas. That's what the season is all about, and i'll take my Happy Holidays over your version of Christmas any day.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

And god bless us EVERY-ONE.


Thursday, December 08, 2005


Today's Hump-Worthy person is my friend and hero Joe "Check out the size of my myth" Campbell.
Though I'm not a fan of "The Dead", Joey really grasps the instincts that take over during any really good concert.


From Ritual to Rapture, from Dionysus to the Grateful Dead
By Joseph Campbell

The Deadheads are doing the dance of life and this I would say , is the answer to the atom bomb.

I had a marvelous experience two nights ago. I was invited to a rock concert. ( laughter in the audience) I'd never seen one. This was a big hall in Berkeley and the rock group were the Grateful Dead, whose name, by the way, is from the Egyptian Book of the Dead. And these are very sophisticated boys. This was news to me.

Rock Music has never seemed that interesting to me. It's very simple and the beat is the same old thing. But when you see a room with 8000 young people for five hours going through it to the beat of these boys ... The genius of these musicians- these three guitars and two wild drummers in the back... The central guitar, Bob Weir, just controls this crowd and when you see 8000 kids all going up in the air together... Listen, this is powerful stuff ! And what is it ? The first thing I thought of was the Dionysian festivals, of course. This energy and these terrific instruments with electric things that zoom in... This is more than music. It turns something on in here (the heart?). And what it turns on is life energy. This is Dionysus talking through these kids. Now I' ve seen similar manifestations, but nothing as innocent as what I saw with this bunch. This was sheer innocence. And when the great beam of light would go over the crowd you' d see these marvelous young faces in sheer rapture- for five hours ! Packed together like sardines! Eight thousand of them ! Then there was an opening in the back with a series of panel windows and you look out and there's a whole bunch in another hall, dancing crazy. This is a wonderful fervent loss of self in the larger self of a homogeneous community. This is what it is all about !

It reminded me of Russian Easter. Down in New York we have a big Russian Cathedral. You go there on Russian Easter at midnight and you hear Kristos anesti ! Christ is Risen ! Christ is Risen ! It's almost as good as a rock concert. (laughter) It has the same kind of life feel. When I was in Mexico City at the Cathedral of the Virgin of Guadeloupe, there it was again. In India, in Puri, at the temple of the Jagannath- that means the lord of the Moving World- the same damn thing again. It doesn't matter what the name of the God is, or whether its a rock group or a clergy. It's somehow hitting that chord of realization of the unity of God in you all, that's a terrific thing and it just blows the rest away."



Science errrr....Tuesday

So I'm a day late.
So Nu?

My three favorite science stories of the week:

#1. Shark vs. Shark in Australia

HOT Shark on Shark action

#2. New lame looking species of carnivorous cat found in borneo.

Lamest previously unknown carnivore EVER

#3. Hobbits were the first Australians


Sauron was the first Texan.

Friday, December 02, 2005

R.I.P Ben's Balls

I'm a fucking mess
I need my buds

why are you a mess

many reasons
One in particular
But I don't want to discuss it

what happened?

let's go out, get drunk, and be irresponsible with lADIES, ROLLERSKATES, AND LIQUOR

that sounds like a ton of fun
but the girl would have to come with me
and she is underage

We all go dressed as goofballs
Dude...par for the fucking course

what is par?

That's the score that is
What I'm saying is that  you rarely abandon her, your friend is BEGGING, it sounds like fun, you'd take her if you could, but unfortunately it's 21 and over.

I'm telling you it won't fly

Then she pouts, you tell her "I'm sorry darling, I love you.but i'm not the kind of friend who would abandon a mate.'Ill be home later tonight."
You give her a good kiss, maybe a pickle-tickle if it goes that far, you put on a costume and we have a good time.

won't work
I see her on the weekends
she goes to school during the week

Death of The Week


Shuffled off this week:

Pat Morita

He's in a better place now.

Wax off...forever.

George Best
George best


A hard partier, and the symbol of London's swingin' sixities, I think he also played soccer.

Check out the Party Monster's decline:

March 2000: Severe liver damage diagnosed
February 2001: Treated for pneumonia
April 2001: Anti-alcohol pellets implanted into his stomach
July 2002: Undergoes liver transplant
November 2004: Routine operation to check on liver transplant
October 2005: Treated for kidney infection in intensive care
November 2005: Lung infection sees condition worsen

Deadly things of the week:
Grim ReaperEagles and Tortoises

mandyMandy Barnes' Tidbit of Death:
Two witness cremations (where the family watches the body go into the chamber) back to back, are called a Double Feature in certain circles.

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