Friday, February 25, 2005

Read this Before you Hump

10 Rules by Which to Mate
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

Alf’s Rules of Dating

After a hugely unsuccessful relationship of two years, I find myself sifting through the wreckage of my life, stamping out the black plumed oil-flames of my emotions, and picking out tiny shards of broken dreams from my unprotected eyes. One thing I know, and that’s; I know more now than before, but I’m pretty sure I know very little. Follow?

I have however, established a few rules that I think we should all follow as once more I take the deep dive into the ever-shallowing dating pool. Whatever. My Blog. You don’t like it, click off

Rule 1. Sex is the fulfillment of a contract, it is not the drafting of one.

Someone once told me “Sex is the shortcut to everything.” They are right. If you have sex on the first date, the only preliminary agreement you had with that person was established during that date. Same goes with someone you went home from a bar with, hooked up at a party with, met at work, were friends with. Sometimes it’s strong, sometimes it’s not. You know the risks, do not set up expectations after the contract has been fulfilled, it’s unrealistic and annoying. If you choose to make new negotiations after the first contract has run its term, so be it. But After the first shag you are starting from the beginning.

Rule 2. Emotions are the great assassin of romance.

You feel a bit upset, you are really irked, your work sucks, these things are outside of the relationship, and especially the dating, kindly leave them out of . Do not have a heart to heart until you guys have been married for 10 years, and even then, don’t cry. We are trying to form a bond, not a therapy session.

Rule 3. Uneven playing fields make for lousy matches.

You have money, she’s destitute. She’s spiritual, you fart on people’s heads. She’s a vegan, Jerky is an essential food group. You’re Immature, she’s a Nazi. They say opposites attract, and that may be true if the opposites are very similar. Wow! You both come from the same background, hold similar jobs, have similar tastes, but you like girly films, and he likes action films…I guess opposites DO attract. “They” are often retarded.

Rule 4. The Ducky Rule.

She will never like you, no matter what you do, no matter how quirky and clever you are. Women are like that. They are thick skulled, and obtuse about what they have “Planned” for themselves. Best bet is to drop it and stop torturing yourself. I hate Meg Ryan for propagating this myth. In 98% of her films she has a discovery moment where she tilts her head , opens her maw , and incredulously says “Oh my god! I LOVE him. He’s Been here all along, and I never saw him! It was his quirky antics that I TRULY love.” Double damn Meg Ryan and her mediocre skills.

Rule 5. The Prince Charming Rule

He doesn’t exist. Girls, If you are older than 15 and are still waiting to get swept off your feet, you need a heavy dose of reality through the breast plate and into the heart. The princess bride…ISN’T REAL. Wesley is gay, and Andre the giant is dead.

Rule 6. Don’t be THAT guy

Jealous? Suck it up. It doesn’t matter how insecure you are, we are all insecure, the moment you say “No you can’t.” they’ll prove otherwise. Be cool, be smooth, and remember, at the end of the night they’re going home with you. If not, THEN you can punch someone in the face.

Rule 7. They’re not crazy, YOU are

Let me guess, she’s crazy and irrational. Or he’s distant and can’t communicate. You know what? You’re not original or alone. Cavemen would wonder why their women would suddenly start bawling at the site of a bunny being quashed, while retaining the ability to skin and gut a mammoth in less than 30 minutes. Likewise, had they lived, Juliet would often wonder why Romeo is so distant after sex. If you want something else, date your own gender (But I hear that doesn’t help either) it’s not that men or women are crazy, but rather that we’re crazy about each other. Be prepared to deal with it, but don’t forget to set your limits.

Rule 8. No such thing as “Out of my league”

Ladies pretty much know this for a fact. Guys will often find attraction simply based on the availability factor. 3 guys, 1 girl, 1 couple, guess who the most attractive person in that scenario is. For guys, all it takes is bravura, confidence, and a plan. No girl too hot, no goal unattainable. If you believe it, it works. In fact, other than in fairy tales I think this is the only time belief makes it so.
Homework: Believe in a BMW (Did it work?)
Now believe in yourself, and bring contraception.

Rule 9. Be noble in breaking up.

Try, please, please TRY not to be psychotic. Believe me, I know. The potential for really creepy shit is in all of us. But the more surgical the break, regardless of the ache, the faster the wound will heal.

Rule 10. Scarred for life.

Remember love is forever. If you loved someone, that love, and the accompanying pain will never be gone. You learn to live with it, and eventually you can function again. Wear those scars proudly, and with the battlefield knowledge that they warrant. Don’t get the same wound twice though! Remember, war heroes have many wounds. Casualties have one.

Now get outta here, you’re bothering me.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Observations on a violent end

HST Warhol
Originally uploaded by alflamont.
Hunter Thompson put a bullet in his skull this previous Sunday. I’ve been wondering how long it would take me to get this out. I consider my blog to be an ego-trip. The sad assumption that anyone cares to read it isn’t what keeps me writing in it, but rather the queer therapy that throwing my minced words, and my bizarre life out into the ether for the enjoyment, analysis, and scorn of anyone. When the news of his death reached me, I was away from my home doing things that would make my mother worry.

It’s almost embarrassing what fans of HST will say and do. There are hundreds of websites dedicated to him, and the amount of wannabes who believe that excess will lead to a career in journalism is a real tragedy. His followers will grin when he burns them with a cigarette, and they thrill to obscenity and tales of VD. For a huge group of people he’s become the druggie’s Boba Fett.
An outsider to outsiders.
Unfortunately, outsiders have a desperate need for validation. HST seemingly never sought that. He was a monster , a madman, and his life seemed a tribute to the ability to live hard and outside of the confines of a society which continues to alienate more and more. To those that felt like many rules did not apply he was the validation of all their suspicions. I wager the good doctor didn’t necessarily appreciate or understand that. Not that he needed to. But the adulation of him by freak nation was important to those of us who he inspired to be unapologetic. His old friend Ralph Steadman, his son Juan, and those who knew him best all seem to be more understanding than I. They all say that it was premeditated, a matter of when, not if. To them it makes more sense. To me it left the famed Fear and Loathing.

What the hell am I bound to do? Are all high-powered mutants doomed to a bullet through the skull? Was it his doom or his choice? To go out in a bang? A bloody, meaty, crimson stain on the collective shirt and tie? A reminder that such Idealism will always be pinned to despair, the inevitable companion of all our heroes.

I’ve been in a spiral for the last few days. An uneasy feeling that perhaps I mistook Hunter for something that he was not. Hemmingway always struck me as a bit of a mook for offing himself, but HST was no mook. No, his remains will be shot out of a cannon, no sepulchre for fat boys wearing aviators to get drunk at, no bust to be decorated and splattered by hordes of unoriginal adulators. In the end Thompson proved he was an individual. Beholden to no one, especially the geeks who made him the icon. As the end came for Hunter, he reminded me specifically why he was important. The raw and unabashed personality that he threw and individualism that he stood for. The sense of Hope,and right against the forces of old and evil, are attached to no movement, no party, and no group of nerdy fans, for the true individual even death must be on his terms. Damn Thompson for the ugly lesson, and damn him for knowing what to do.

"I would feel real trapped in this life if I didn't know I could commit suicide at any time." -HST

A Note for the Bereaved Mutant

A Note for the Bereaved Mutant
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Where did you plant that bullet?

Originally uploaded by alflamont.

I want to say something. But that evil bastard knocked the wind right out of me.

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