Friday, December 16, 2005

The War on Christmas

big-presentWhat the hell is wrong with "Christians"? By "Christians" I don't mean the lovely people who take their religion seriously and to themselves. I mean the idiots who insist of force feeding their version of Christianity on everyone else. As is my custom, I have taken the time to dissect the Holiday that we all celebrate, and see why the evangelists were all up in arms about "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". As you might have guessed, the root of the outrage is ignorant hipocrisy and good old fashioned retardation.

For starters, let's do a little thinking. I know, Leviticus 21:34 says "And yea, he that thought was smitten by a plague of boils in the naughty bits. For thinking displeases the lord, and giveth unto him a headache" . However, I think it's also Leviticus 33:10 that reads "Go not into the ocean's waters, lest you be wearing a feathered hat and be carrying a newt, for that is unclean.". So I'm pretty sure we can all agree to let Leviticus and his wacky antics be.

So why is "Happy Holidays" so wrong? Anyone? Yes, the retard in the back.

Ok, so the premise is. Hey! No giggling. The answer given to us by Fox News is that "Happy Holidays" ignorest the religious significance of the season.

Who said that? What? Kwanzaa? Hannukah? New Years? Those don't exist. The holiday season is ONLY Christmas, and retailers should not pay any attention to those Jews, Niggers, and Chinamen that try to say otherwise. Only people who love Jesus shop during the Christmas season.

Since we are being such fucking purists about making the Holiday Holy, let's address some other things you assholes should note about Christmas.

For starters, let's just say that Christmas is no big deal. At least religiously it isn't. The biggest, mightiest day of the year for Chrstianity is Easter. Christmas was barely celebrated untill the 1860's when Macy's started having Christmas sales and decorating their window displays with Christmas themes. Since then, christmas has become more and more important every year. Now we see that retailers make up to 70% of their yearly profits and miraculously (By the hand of Jesus, no doubt), the Christmas season has become THE holiday for American evangelicals.

Next, let's make sure your wretched offspring pray to ALL the Saints. As a Catholic I take great pride in the religious A-Team, known as "The Saints". I can claim a connection from Saint Francis, to Saint Bernadette. From Saint Vitus and Genesius to all the holy martyrs. But you freaky zealots deny the divinity of saints. Unless it's tied to shopping, and finance. Saint Patrick, saint Valentine, and Saint Nicholas, have proven to be consumer friendly and therefore thay are widely accepted by the heaten evangelical prods. Saint Nicholas Bishop of Myra was a minor saint who lived around 325 AD. The current gift-giving, jolly old elf is an interpretation of this Saint taken from the Netherlands, and given a commercial career by Coca-Cola during....the 1860's.

Finally, make sure you buy enough gifts for all twelve days of the "Cristes maesse". The religious observance and gift giving of Christmas extends THROUGH JANUARY 6. I know most of you think of it as once a year thing, but if you guys want to own it, then OWN it.

The list of hypocritical and adopted traditions that benefit the consumerist orgy of an American Christmas, is too long to list. It's amazing to me that the right would concentrate on opposing an inclusionist statement like "Happy Holidays" , a statement that says "Good will to all, and Peace on Earth regardless of who you are or what you celebrate". Christmas time is not the time when Jesus was born. Who knows when the exact date for that was? The early church chose this time of the year because of the universal feeling of renewal that comes at the end of a year. The birth of Christ SHOULD be connected with the birth of a New Year, the birth of hope and what is to come. That is universal and it makes the tale and life of Jesus all the more potent. The fathers of the church knew that. They knew that their message of hope had universal appeal, and so joined with all the peoples of the world in welcoming hope and love into the world as we all begin the next cycle of life. THAT is Christmas. That's what the season is all about, and i'll take my Happy Holidays over your version of Christmas any day.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

And god bless us EVERY-ONE.


Thursday, December 08, 2005


Today's Hump-Worthy person is my friend and hero Joe "Check out the size of my myth" Campbell.
Though I'm not a fan of "The Dead", Joey really grasps the instincts that take over during any really good concert.


From Ritual to Rapture, from Dionysus to the Grateful Dead
By Joseph Campbell

The Deadheads are doing the dance of life and this I would say , is the answer to the atom bomb.

I had a marvelous experience two nights ago. I was invited to a rock concert. ( laughter in the audience) I'd never seen one. This was a big hall in Berkeley and the rock group were the Grateful Dead, whose name, by the way, is from the Egyptian Book of the Dead. And these are very sophisticated boys. This was news to me.

Rock Music has never seemed that interesting to me. It's very simple and the beat is the same old thing. But when you see a room with 8000 young people for five hours going through it to the beat of these boys ... The genius of these musicians- these three guitars and two wild drummers in the back... The central guitar, Bob Weir, just controls this crowd and when you see 8000 kids all going up in the air together... Listen, this is powerful stuff ! And what is it ? The first thing I thought of was the Dionysian festivals, of course. This energy and these terrific instruments with electric things that zoom in... This is more than music. It turns something on in here (the heart?). And what it turns on is life energy. This is Dionysus talking through these kids. Now I' ve seen similar manifestations, but nothing as innocent as what I saw with this bunch. This was sheer innocence. And when the great beam of light would go over the crowd you' d see these marvelous young faces in sheer rapture- for five hours ! Packed together like sardines! Eight thousand of them ! Then there was an opening in the back with a series of panel windows and you look out and there's a whole bunch in another hall, dancing crazy. This is a wonderful fervent loss of self in the larger self of a homogeneous community. This is what it is all about !

It reminded me of Russian Easter. Down in New York we have a big Russian Cathedral. You go there on Russian Easter at midnight and you hear Kristos anesti ! Christ is Risen ! Christ is Risen ! It's almost as good as a rock concert. (laughter) It has the same kind of life feel. When I was in Mexico City at the Cathedral of the Virgin of Guadeloupe, there it was again. In India, in Puri, at the temple of the Jagannath- that means the lord of the Moving World- the same damn thing again. It doesn't matter what the name of the God is, or whether its a rock group or a clergy. It's somehow hitting that chord of realization of the unity of God in you all, that's a terrific thing and it just blows the rest away."



Science errrr....Tuesday

So I'm a day late.
So Nu?

My three favorite science stories of the week:

#1. Shark vs. Shark in Australia

HOT Shark on Shark action

#2. New lame looking species of carnivorous cat found in borneo.

Lamest previously unknown carnivore EVER

#3. Hobbits were the first Australians


Sauron was the first Texan.

Friday, December 02, 2005

R.I.P Ben's Balls

I'm a fucking mess
I need my buds

why are you a mess

many reasons
One in particular
But I don't want to discuss it

what happened?

let's go out, get drunk, and be irresponsible with lADIES, ROLLERSKATES, AND LIQUOR

that sounds like a ton of fun
but the girl would have to come with me
and she is underage

We all go dressed as goofballs
Dude...par for the fucking course

what is par?

That's the score that is
What I'm saying is that  you rarely abandon her, your friend is BEGGING, it sounds like fun, you'd take her if you could, but unfortunately it's 21 and over.

I'm telling you it won't fly

Then she pouts, you tell her "I'm sorry darling, I love you.but i'm not the kind of friend who would abandon a mate.'Ill be home later tonight."
You give her a good kiss, maybe a pickle-tickle if it goes that far, you put on a costume and we have a good time.

won't work
I see her on the weekends
she goes to school during the week

Death of The Week


Shuffled off this week:

Pat Morita

He's in a better place now.

Wax off...forever.

George Best
George best


A hard partier, and the symbol of London's swingin' sixities, I think he also played soccer.

Check out the Party Monster's decline:

March 2000: Severe liver damage diagnosed
February 2001: Treated for pneumonia
April 2001: Anti-alcohol pellets implanted into his stomach
July 2002: Undergoes liver transplant
November 2004: Routine operation to check on liver transplant
October 2005: Treated for kidney infection in intensive care
November 2005: Lung infection sees condition worsen

Deadly things of the week:
Grim ReaperEagles and Tortoises

mandyMandy Barnes' Tidbit of Death:
Two witness cremations (where the family watches the body go into the chamber) back to back, are called a Double Feature in certain circles.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005


Wednesdays I've decided to devote to others. People who deserve to be heard on Hump day.
Our first hump-worthy person and guest blogger is the 39th President of the United States.


This isn't the real America
By Jimmy Carter

IN RECENT YEARS, I have become increasingly concerned by a host of radical government policies that now threaten many basic principles espoused by all previous administrations, Democratic and Republican.

These include the rudimentary American commitment to peace, economic and social justice, civil liberties, our environment and human rights.

Also endangered are our historic commitments to providing citizens with truthful information, treating dissenting voices and beliefs with respect, state and local autonomy and fiscal responsibility.

At the same time, our political leaders have declared independence from the restraints of international organizations and have disavowed long-standing global agreements — including agreements on nuclear arms, control of biological weapons and the international system of justice.

Instead of our tradition of espousing peace as a national priority unless our security is directly threatened, we have proclaimed a policy of "preemptive war," an unabridged right to attack other nations unilaterally to change an unsavory regime or for other purposes. When there are serious differences with other nations, we brand them as international pariahs and refuse to permit direct discussions to resolve disputes.

Regardless of the costs, there are determined efforts by top U.S. leaders to exert American imperial dominance throughout the world.

These revolutionary policies have been orchestrated by those who believe that our nation's tremendous power and influence should not be internationally constrained. Even with our troops involved in combat and America facing the threat of additional terrorist attacks, our declaration of "You are either with us or against us!" has replaced the forming of alliances based on a clear comprehension of mutual interests, including the threat of terrorism.

Another disturbing realization is that, unlike during other times of national crisis, the burden of conflict is now concentrated exclusively on the few heroic men and women sent back repeatedly to fight in the quagmire of Iraq. The rest of our nation has not been asked to make any sacrifice, and every effort has been made to conceal or minimize public awareness of casualties.

Instead of cherishing our role as the great champion of human rights, we now find civil liberties and personal privacy grossly violated under some extreme provisions of the Patriot Act.

Of even greater concern is that the U.S. has repudiated the Geneva accords and espoused the use of torture in Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay, and secretly through proxy regimes elsewhere with the so-called extraordinary rendition program. It is embarrassing to see the president and vice president insisting that the CIA should be free to perpetrate "cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment or punishment" on people in U.S. custody.

Instead of reducing America's reliance on nuclear weapons and their further proliferation, we have insisted on our right (and that of others) to retain our arsenals, expand them, and therefore abrogate or derogate almost all nuclear arms control agreements negotiated during the last 50 years. We have now become a prime culprit in global nuclear proliferation. America also has abandoned the prohibition of "first use" of nuclear weapons against nonnuclear nations, and is contemplating the previously condemned deployment of weapons in space.

Protection of the environment has fallen by the wayside because of government subservience to political pressure from the oil industry and other powerful lobbying groups. The last five years have brought continued lowering of pollution standards at home and almost universal condemnation of our nation's global environmental policies.

Our government has abandoned fiscal responsibility by unprecedented favors to the rich, while neglecting America's working families. Members of Congress have increased their own pay by $30,000 per year since freezing the minimum wage at $5.15 per hour (the lowest among industrialized nations).

I am extremely concerned by a fundamentalist shift in many houses of worship and in government, as church and state have become increasingly intertwined in ways previously thought unimaginable.

As the world's only superpower, America should be seen as the unswerving champion of peace, freedom and human rights. Our country should be the focal point around which other nations can gather to combat threats to international security and to enhance the quality of our common environment. We should be in the forefront of providing human assistance to people in need.

It is time for the deep and disturbing political divisions within our country to be substantially healed, with Americans united in a common commitment to revive and nourish the historic political and moral values that we have espoused during the last 230 years.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Science Tuesday II

Here are my favorite Science Stories of the week:

#1. Fish Communicate by Farting

Thereby joining college-age males in the evolutionary ladder

#2. Vatican Calls "Bullshit" on Intelligent Design
You know you're beat when the Vatican, who doesn't believe in birth control, says you're being an idiot.

#3.Atlanta Opens Big-Ass Aquarium
Having solved the homelessness, and race problems that have been plaguing it for years, Atlanta invests in its future,

Monday, November 21, 2005


Originally uploaded by alflamont.
This weekend was a Social-Heavy weekend, and it seems weekends to come will also be heavy on the social calendar.

Being recently (Recently?) singled I am observing the age-old tradition of having/being a wingman in the dogfights of social wooing. I have observed, and it is the god's honest truth that a wingman has to be a very well chosen person.

To that extent I am hereby deleting the following groups from the potential wingperson list.

Family: My brother, his girlfriend, my parents, all sound like used car salesmen when they "assist". With our dark skin, it's like watching a morroccan market.

"Look! Look My friend! I have special deal for you! He is have good job."

Girls: No matter how "Just friends" you are, girls will ALWAYS sabotage your chances with another girl. For example, I had two parties to go to this weekend. One involved a ridiculous and obscene costume, the other was a nice, laid back, serene affair where there would be NO available women. So My friend and I dressed like goofballs for the second party and we show up to wild gawks of humor and nervous looks. Never imagining that someone Extremely available was going to show. So i proceed to make a severe ass of myself. My friend, FEMALE, who should be supportive of me ,fails to tell me that the person I'm talking to has been recently singled. I in turn make such an extreme jerggoff of myself, that the Anti-Alf / hellspawn Image I built for that night may be the only one my trollop of choice may remember for the rest of her days. A GUY WOULD NEVER OMMIT SUCH A CRUICIAL DETAIL.

The really strange friend: This is a tough one. "Strange" is all in the eye of the beholder. I for one, am many people's "Strange friend", and MY "Strange Friends" Have "Strange Friends" of their own. Simply put, you don't want the friend you play D&D with, on your side. You appreciate him, you hang out, but god forbid the object of your desire catch wind of your Comic-con gold passes without testing the waters first. You love your pal, and revel in the nerdery. However, there is no place for ten sided dice in a bar. If youre at a sports bar, you don't want a vampire by your side, and likewise at a goth club...whatever. Those girls are easy.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Friday = Death of the Week

My new concept of bringing stability and security to my blog continues with DEATH OF THE WEEK. The premise being; the week dies, and so do people. So I use "Chunk" to "Shuffle off those mortal coils" and pay homage to the famously deceased. Along with a deadly "Item of the week" and a Nugget of Death from the sauciest Funeral Director this side of the Mississippi, Mandy Barnes (Bubblegum Vernacular on my sidebar).



Shuffled off this week:




He didn't say much, but he said it loud. Your nod to Lando will be forever remebered.

Ralph Edwards

Ralph Edwards


The first person to embarass celebrities in public. So old that Bob Barker considered him a mentor.

Deadly thing of the week:
Grim ReaperSalt

mandyMandy Barnes' Tidbit of Death:

"The coroner has a fee of $200 for release unless it's a homicide or a child under 14. Babies are free!"

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Science Tuedays

So I've decided to start some sort of schedule to my blog to prevent me from being so damn lazy about it. I present to you SCIENCE TUESDAYS. This will hopefully be followed by a daily theme to each weekday allowing structure and joy to enter my blog. Most probably this will fall to the wayside when I find a video of someone getting hit in the Nads and have to post it on Tuesday.

Nonetheless, here they are. My three favorite science stories of the week:

#1. John Cleese gets a Lemur named after him.
Ministry of Silly Monkeys

#2. Scientists excavate "Godzilla" remains, and Tokyo moves to threat level "Olange"
Rook Out!

#3. Robo-Carp added to London Aquarium. It almost Immediately decides to go by the name "Murphy", and kicks a barracuda's ass.
Robo Carp

Monday, November 07, 2005

Focus on the Thighs...


So as i was fucking about on the web, I found myself face to face with the most beloved/ despised sites conjoined by the evil furrow browed child pictured above.

Focus on The Family, Facists supreme, are sharing the cockeyed kid with none other than THE THIGHMASTER himself.

What's next?

Pink meets Anne Coulter?

Friday, November 04, 2005

Mandy Barnes on Freakin' NPR!

My old friend, Mandy "I'm a Funeral Director Y'all!" Barnes was featured on an NPR piece last weekend.

NPR Y'all!


Please Make sure to Visit her permanent home on the web:
Bubblegum Vernacular (Posted On my Sidebar)

Does anyone know whatever happened to UNC Alumni from the east coast?

That's what I thought.

In your face NY!

Why Boston Legal is quickly replacing LOST


Danny Crane

CS assaults GWM in BS

In the time before sanitation, conservatism and the ruling class was made up of chinless, inbred landed gentry who could not possibly be bothered with the suffering of their own people. Now of course, conservatives are still chinless and inbred, but they are more and more becoming tragic, blind bumpkins or caricatures of wealth and corruption. Did I mention all conservatives are inbreds? Just making sure. The point I’m about to make here is a brutal one, and I’m just getting you kids accustomed to the tone.

Before I lay into the red, so to speak, let me back up to a pivotal moment in my life. I grew up in an insane little berg called Colorado Springs in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, at the foot of pikes peak and on the edge of reality.


Allow me to give you a crash course on CS. Colorado Springs is home to the largest percentage of Christian Organizations in the WORLD…yes, the WORLD. Among the cute, god-fearing orgs that make their home in Colorado Springs, is Focus on Das Family or “FOF”,as we called it, the mother of all goose stepping, right wing nut job action groups.
Jimmy Dobson, the leader of FOF makes Pat Robertson look like a gay hippy in comparison. Thanks to the influence of FOF, and Young Life and other faith-based groups, the whole town has jumped on the Jesus bandwagon and now the place looks like a hillbilly Vatican. Christian Bookstores, Christian Dry Cleaners, Christian Construction, Christian Phone Service (I think it doesn’t allow you to dial Jews and Catholics), Christian hot wings (Right Wings Only)…you get the point. Add to this religious fervor Fort Carson, Peterson Air Force Base, NORAD, and the Air Force Academy, and you get a place so conservative, that women who show their ankles are often stoned by clergy who can’t look at them for fear of becoming impure. Naturally this results in many innocent people being accidentally stoned by pastors in blindfolds. That however, is neither here nor there, and has even less to do with the anecdote I am about to shovel on to you.

My friend, my good friend , Matt Gregory is a toe-head bible thumper in the truest meaning of the world. Aryan to the hilt, and unmoving in his faith, he always wore a mustard seed necklace (Jesus Likes Condiments?) good guy though. His dad was a giant and gentle man who worked for focus on the family. Good sense of humor, both of them. Matt and I were in Advanced Placement US History, and we were learning about the civil rights movement. Progress in society in my book, is defined by the fact that even in the most backwoods bumpkin-filled hamlets in this country, most people can accept that segregation and Jim Crow laws were WRONG. So it was a pretty pleasing class when left and right could agree on redneck injustice. Our teacher Mr. Davis made reference to an asshole federal judge named William Cox, who released the defendants in the Mississippi burning case. My friend Matt was jarred.
“William Cox?” he spat out
“William HAROLD Cox?”
Mr. Davis nodded.
“But I thought he was a good guy. My dad knows him,”

I’m sure Matt went home and was given a bullshit line of “born again” or “different times” and he went on his merry way. But I know it hit him, as it should hit all right wingers. Yeah there’s Louis Farrakhan, and Peta and the Animal Liberation front, and numerous Eco-terrorists of marginal importance, Ultimately though, I would like to remind my right wing friends that you are more closely related to Nazis, segregationists, the inquisition, and the chinless inbred despots of yore. You guys share the scruples of the assholes at ENRON, everyone one of you who drives a HUMMER are responsible in part for the 2000 soldiers slain in Iraq, shortsightedness is an excuse you have been using too long. We are two opposing teams, and I take pride in being on the progressive team. Conservatism is inherently self destructive, and you can only stem or stop the flow of progress and humanism for so long before the damn breaks and the spirit of people overwhelms your selfish shortsightedness. Cowards, all of you, for not looking beyond the horizon, for fearing change and dwelling on differences and your own comfort rather than supplying the basic needs for the society and world that has given you so much.

A gay man in West Hollywood was on roller skates on Halloween. He and his friend were assaulted and beaten severely by YOUR right wing compatriots. Dismiss them as random thugs, but you’d be surprised as to how many of your views they share. You never hear about vegetarians stalking a meat eater and then bludgeoning him. You never hear of someone for socialized medicine attacking Insurance salesmen. Don’t fool yourselves. These are YOUR people. YOUR friends.

William Cox
Focus on the Family
Colorado Springs
Matt Gregory


Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Shuffling off those mortal coils


1913- 2005


Eddie: There are three things that Black people need to tell the truth about. Number one: Rodney King should've gotten his ass beat for being drunk in a Honda a white part of Los Angeles. Number two: O.J. did it! And number three: Rosa Parks didn't do nuthin' but sit her Black ass down!

Maybe so, but what an ass.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Always On My Mind


It's going to be a LOOOONG weekend.

October's finest week

So this has been apretty Kickass week in general.
Let's recap some of the Web's finest moments:


Awww...look at the darling little Neo Nazis!


Bob Saget and Dave Coulier are FILTHY!


Seems like the gang of LOST are acting like a bunch of drama QUEENS

Last but not least, I juss wanna give a shout-out to all my progressive brothas and sistahs out there. Good week everyone. Now let's get rid of MIERS CHENEY LIBBY ROVE DE LAY AND FRIST.

While we're at it, let's remember 2008


And just for Kicks...
This bitch is so fake, she's managed to master her only "look".

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Alf Needs...


Ok, so i stole this from my friend DINAH who's blog PUFF PIECE is permanently linked to on the sidebar.
The premise is as follows:

You go to google. You enter "YOUR NAME needs". Now I know my friends, and I know that they would never even consider typing "YOUR NAME", but if you are a random dipshit that stumbled across this, and were confused by the instructions...

Then google will respond with what you need. Then you post your five favorites. In no particular order.

ALF needs some sort of service registry.

* I couldn't agree more, I can't keep all my services in line as it is.

ALF needs to start a revolution of public opinion.

* what do you think this Blog is for?

Alf needs a family where he can be with people as much as possible.

*Oh god! It's like google can see into my SOUL.

ALF needs our help in raising funds to prevent, treat and cure hepatitis

* Please send checks or money orders c/o Alfredo LaMont...

ALF needs help with bathing and dressing himself.

*Please send your daughters and virgins c/o Alfredo LaMont...

Holy Shit!

All LaMont family members have their quirks. My dad for example, can't understand that restaurants don't serve Diet Root Beer. It never fails, we'll go out to outback, or chili's or some such place, and my father will burden the waitstaff with his request. DIET ROOT BEER. Does that even exist? Waitstaff tell their friends in the back, who I'm sure tell their families that some man has ordered Diet Root Beer again despite having been in last week, and had been denied his ficticious drink then as well. My mother has the tendency to insist almost violently, that people loosen up. She's been known to hit employees over the head with blunt objects, when they seemed not at ease enough at the employee xmas party. Me, I can't tie my shoelaces, but my brother has two very interesting issues that starngely convereged in Manchester england yesterday.

My father and brother are both members of the SIT ON THE CRAPPER FOR TWO HOURS WHILE READING ALL THE PAPER club.
I was not invited. Though I enjoy regular movements and reading material, I refuse to devote any more time than is necessary to the act of pinching a loaf. My brother and my father however, seem to have made the john their domain of two hours. I'm not airing family laundry and pooping habits for no reason. See, i've also always been wildly entertained by my brother's irrational fears. My brother has phobias that cover everything from horses, to driving in Los Angeles, to well...snakes. So you can imagine my giggling joy when i came across the following article.

snake in a pooper

A 10ft boa constrictor has been captured after popping up in the loos of a posh block of flats in Manchester.
The snake had terrified tenants since it was first spotted in a toilet last week, reports the Mirror.
It's believed to have been living in sewage pipes for three months after being abandoned by an evicted tenant three months ago.
People had to put bricks on their loo seats to stop the snake, which has been named Keith, slipping into their bathrooms.
Firemen were called in to try to track him down in the pipework but a brave resident of the West Didsbury flats finally trapped him in a bucket.
Keith is now in the care of the RSPCA.
Spokesman Jimmy Ratcliff, an expert on exotic animals, said: "They can swim very well and can hold their breath for more than 20 minutes - though what is out of the ordinary is the size of this snake.
"It has probably been eating rats in the sewer, where it appears to have been living quite happily."

Oh man, just the mental image of my brother prepping for poo, and finding a Boa on his sacred throne, is enough to send me into fits of hilarity.

Just wanted to share.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Indictment Bingo

Indictment Bingo
Originally uploaded by alflamont.
Any other Progressive tongues drooling? I saw the headline "DC Braces for Cheney Announcement" and I soiled myself.

Witch Hunt Anyone?

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Some people...

Originally uploaded by alflamont.
So i answer and ad on craigslist for a roomate situation. She replies, saying that I'm an asshole.

I reply kinda confused...then this cutesy exchange gets posted on craigslist.
Please note she omits her original insult, and my inquiry.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Alfghanistan Redux

Originally uploaded by alflamont.
So I've Coddled my baby Duchy and see how she has grown!

The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan
"Podex Perfectus Est"

UN Category: Scandinavian Liberal Paradise

Civil Rights:
Political Freedoms:
Very Good

Location: 1 George Bush Too Many

The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan is a huge, environmentally stunning nation, remarkable for its punitive income tax rates. Its compassionate population of 276 million enjoy extensive civil rights and enjoy a level of social equality free from the usual accompanying government corruption.

It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, socially-minded government stops and the rest of society begins, but it is mainly concerned with Social Welfare, although Healthcare and Education are secondary priorities. The average income tax rate is 92%, and even higher for the wealthy. Private enterprise is illegal, but for those in the know there is a slick and highly efficient black market in Book Publishing.

Appendix transplant figures recently doubled, all recreational drugs are legal, 'The Anti-Government Hour' is a popular programme on many of Alfghanistan's radio stations, and all guns must be registered. Crime -- especially youth-related -- is totally unknown. Alfghanistan's national animal is the Puffin, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its currency is the Doh.

Alfghanistan is ranked 4th in the region and 690th in the world for Most Beautiful Environments.


Betrayal of Christ
Originally uploaded by alflamont.
What a strange month it has been.
September flew in, heralded my twenty-ninth birthday, kicked my ass around a few times, spit on my face, force fed me black licorice, poked fun at my weight, and stole my girl. And then, in the final week of this wrenched month, it picked me up, apologized handed me fifty dollars, and offered to have my car washed. I speak in metaphors of course, but I found that an overriding sense of betrayal seemed to be in the air.

I felt betrayed, my health betrayed me, I betrayed my friend, my friend betrayed me, I betrayed myself. The government betrayed the people, the weather betrayed Mississippi, the Levies betrayed Nola. Tom betrayed Jerry, Fred betrayed Barney, Hurley Betrayed Locke, Napoleon betrayed Josephine. The whole betrayal thing felt like it was pummeling me like a leather clad dominatrix, and all I could do is sit there with a ball in my mouth and a thong made of rubber with a studded choker, and take it. Am I inherently deceitful? I seem to gloss over things when I’m around people, especially when all is wrong. Are people around me all as callous and self serving as I was? Will they ultimately abandon me for their own comfort? It gave me some serious pause. What kind of world do I inhabit that when faced with adversity I can become so self-centered. Wallowing in indulgent self-pity, and leading those around me into worry and hurt?

Despite my bouts with self-loathing this month, and through the high drama of betrayals, I have come to realize that now more than ever I believe in the inherent good and beauty of my friends and family. The people who surround me are a gift, each individual has seen the good in my heart and has chosen to stick it out. I can be a pain, yes. And so can they, but ultimately I do not keep bad company. At its worst, I keep good company with unfortunate issues. Even then, I find it difficult to stare someone and say goodbye, and punish them for things that I’m sure I would be guilty of too, if I was as totally fucked as they seem to be . My eyes forbid me to zone in on the weaknesses and baser instincts of friends, much like my friends choose to ignore mine when my shortcomings crawl out of my gut. Wallowing in anger and sadness is no way to live in this world. And if a friend fails me, I need only think of myself and how shallow I can be when I hurt inside. Ultimately a betrayal in the end is an admittance of weakness. I could not do what was right, because I am in pain. An excuse to be sure, but that sort of failure evokes pity in me, not anger. In the end, I appreciate and invoke the greatest gift of western civilization. The thing that brings the holiest and more beautiful aspects of us all to light, and allows us the next day to be a better person. Forgiveness. I thank you all for yours, and promise to act in kind.

How far must we fall?

Clintoncowboy-smI was watching Bill speaking intelligently on real problems. Adressing hunger,poverty, disease, discrimination. Such fluency, intelligence, confidence. And then the babbling twirp came on.

How reckless and destructive does a person have to be efore there is national outrage?
Gas prices not high enough? Three trillion dollars in deficit not wreckless enough? 2000 dead american boys and girls, and 14, 000 wounded not enough? The complete destruction of american cities not appaling enough? The assault on liberty, choice, and science isn't your thing?
What will it take?
I'm reminded of a scene in Hamlet.

See, what a grace was seated on this brow;
Hyperion's curls; the front of Jove himself;
An eye like Mars, to threaten and command;
A station like the herald Mercury
New-lighted on a heaven-kissing hill;
A combination and a form indeed,
Where every god did seem to set his seal,
To give the world assurance of a man:
This was your President. Look you now, what follows:
Here is your President. Have you eyes?
Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,
And batten on this moor? Ha! have you eyes?
You cannot call it love; for at your age
The hey-day in the blood is tame, it's humble,
And waits upon the judgment: and what judgment
Would step from this to this? Sense, sure, you have,
Else could you not have motion; but sure, that sense
Is apoplex'd; for madness would not err,
Nor sense to ecstasy was ne'er so thrall'd
But it reserved some quantity of choice,
To serve in such a difference. What devil was't
That thus hath cozen'd you at hoodman-blind?

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Big Ass Calamari

Big Ass Calamari If you ever watch Disney cartoons, the most trouble a tentacled creature can cause is the occasional face suction of Donald while fishing, or Goofy while water skiing.

Yeah, there's the giant squid in 20000 Leagues, and Ursula the sea witch is part octopus, but I see those as aberrations. I mean, the Japanese eat LIVE octopii, and they don't seem to suffer one way or another. Unless you count their sex-pervert comic books, but I hardly think that's the fault of an octopus or squid.

Recently, it's come to my horrified attention that octopii are the smartest creatures, excluding mammals (Mammals rule!) in the wide sea. Now as you watchTHISvideo, I challenge you to think on our friend the giant squid (Caught on Film in it's natural habitat for the first time in history, and pictured above) who can grow to be over 100 feet in length

100 feet. Sperm whales are attacked by these guys.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Los Angeles Blackout of 2005

The city of Los Angeles descended into lawlessness earlier this week as a power outage swept through the poorest neighborhoods of Los Angeles, causing devastation. The effects of the Power Outage Jeff's wrath were felt all along the southland from Burbank to Huntington Beach. Ted disrupted TV watching throughout Los angeles and the American Red Cross is asking people to donate tapes of Cops, the View, and Maury. People were caught off guard as the suddeness and furor of Jeff took its toll on the elderly and infirmed, and jobless.

"I was going to only drink HALF my frappucino and then put it in the freezer."
Said longtime Larchmont resident
"Now i have to finish it. I'm not sure what's going to happen."

Frappucinos weren't the only ones affected. The beverly center became a trap for hundreds of shoppers as Air conditioning went out despite the building's generators kicking in. Reports are hazy but at least two waifs were treated for sweating.

The true horror of Blackout Jeff developed as dozens of refugees swarmed to the Staples Center where police describe utter chaos as bathroom attendants ran out of mints, and cell phone coverage became "Spotty".

Beverly Hills, we are glad to say remained unnafected by the outage. The city's homeless run power generators can keep the Rodeo area running for at least two weeks, provided they shoot anyone trying to enter city limits, which they may do anyway.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

DEVO: The Next Generation

DEVO: The Next Generation
Originally uploaded by alflamont.
5th graders in Minnesota.

Whip it!

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