Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've
decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking
the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes
Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the
entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and
especially to the people of the new country of New California. To sum up
briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer.
You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get
Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of
America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get
two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their
fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If
you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and
they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets
coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn
up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's
Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90
percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the
U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the
Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech
and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to
cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans and their projected health care
costs, 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob
Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the
Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent
believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing the death penalty
or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent
that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards
believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New
California
