The comedian Mike Black, is possibly the single most talented and original human I've ever met. Had the pleasure of stumbling into this post on his MySpace Blog.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Things You Might Not Know About Superheroes.
The following are facts that the average joe might not be aware of about various comic book super heroes. These are not jokes and I made none of them up but I use the word "facts" loosely because they are culled from fictional events that happened to fictional characters in the regular continuity of the monthly magazines they were featured in. If you find these amusing, by all means go to your local comic book shop where you can "read more about it!" Enjoy...
Daredevil- Is what I would call Extra Deluxe Catholic. With the name Mathew Michael Murdock you'd almost have to be Catholic but it's the fact that his mother is a Nun that puts him firmly in the Extra Deluxe category.
Iron Man- Is a friend of Bill W. Yep, though his hi-tech armor can be powered by anything from Ion batteries to solar energy, Tony Stark, the man beneath the helmet runs on Bourbon or Thunderbird or whatever you have in your liquor cabinet. He's also loosely based on Howard Hughes so don't be surprised if he locks himself a screening room and starts saving and cataloguing his urine.
Ant-Man/Giant Man- You'd think a guy who can make himself really small or really big at will would be the ideal husband, unfortunately he beats his wife. It's tragic, if only his wife The Wasp would learn to listen.
Batman- How paranoid is Batman? He has secret dossiers on all the other super heroes that give detailed accounts of their weaknesses and what he would do to take them down if they ever went crazy. He also launched a spy satellite to keep track of all super powered people on the planet. He's one of the good guys kids!
The Punisher- Once shot Wolverine in the junk and then in the face with a shotgun.
The Hulk- Not to be outdone by the Punisher ripped off the lower half of Wolverine's body and threw it to the other side of a mountain. The lesson here is if everyone knows you have a mutant healing ability they fight extra dirty.
Wolverine- is but one of his handles. He also goes by Logan, Weapon X, James Howlett and in the far east he's known as Patch because he wears a pirate patch over his eye. I forget why?
Batman- also has a few aliases. Bruce Wayne, John Smith, Sir Hemmingford Gray and Matches Malone because when he uses this gangster persona he usually has a wooden match sticking out from between his teeth.
Spider-Man- Had a clone of himself running around for thirty plus years and didn't know about it, a lot of fanboys wish I was making this whole plot line up to be funny.
Batgirl- is a top contender for suckiest life of a super hero. The first one endured "bad touches" from the Joker who also tortured her and shot her in the spine paralyzing her for life, oh and he did most of that in front of her dad (Commissioner Gordon) in an attempt to drive him crazy, he photographed the whole thing to taunt Batman as well. The current Batgirl was raised by her father to be the perfect assassin, therefore he taught her to communicate entirely through violence. She recently picked up some English as a second language to the language of the fist. The Joker probably won't be able to pull the same shit on this Batgirl.
The Joker- Beat Robin within an inch of his life with a crowbar in front of his mother (a pattern!) and then left them in a locked room with lots of dynamite. We the readers were then given a chance to vote via phone on whether Robin would live or die from this. In an overwhelming landslide I and other like minded individuals became the Joker's accomplices in the murder of Batman's sidekick.
Nick Fury Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.- routinely uses lifelike robotic doubles of himself to handle part of his work load.
Captain America- Had Polio before becoming Captain America, he also banged Ant Man's wife and beat the crap out of him after he found out he had been giving his wife the Ike Turner brand of lovin'. Now that's a patriot.
Mr.Fantastic- came up with the names for the entire Fantastic Four. "I'll be called Mr. Fantastic because I'm a genius and I can stretch, Ben you're a hideous creature that we rely on solely for brute strength so we'll call you The Thing. Ben? Why are you crying?"
Dr.Strange- used to be a surgeon and a dick. Then he broke his hands and now he delves into the dark arts to do battle with evil mystical forces as Earth's Sorcerer Supreme. Contrary to popular belief he has never set foot in Hot Topic nor has he read any of the Harry Potter books.
Silver Surfer- was known on his home planet as Norrin Rad and had a girlfriend named Shalla Ball. I'm guessing there were a lot of glowsticks on this planet.
Galactus- The Devourer of Worlds is only afraid of one thing, the Ultimate Nullifier which is smaller than an Ipod and is of course owned by Mr.Fantastic.
Spider-Man- His newest costume was designed by Tony "Iron-Man" Stark. Taking the crown from the original Robin as the gayest superhero costume ever.
Dr.Doom- Refers to himself in the third person. He's that evil.
Lex Luthor- Thinks everyone else is crazy for being so nuts about an alien that's virtually indestructible, can fly and shoot fire from his eyes.
Wonder Woman- had to snap a guys neck once because the guy was using telepathy to control that indestructable flying alien who can shoot fire from his eyes.
Superman-to be fair, died saving the planet more times than I can count.
Batman- answered the age old question of who would win in a fight between him and Superman once. He beat the crap out of the Last Son of Krypton and all it took was dozen heat seaking missiles, enough voltage to black out an entire city, a special suit of armor, an arrow with a special tip that explodes kryptonite dust (fired by his old pal The Green Arrow) and a lifetime of down and dirty asskicking experience. After handing Superman's ass to him he said "I want you to remember this when you're alone, in your darkest moments, remember who beat you." Batman then promptly faked a heart attack to avoid heat from the government. Honest.
Magneto- is a Polish Jew Mutant WWII concentration camp survivor who was played in a movie by a Homosexual. Nobody bitches to him about not feeling like they fit in...ever.
Ghost Rider-Has a power called the Penance Stare. This means if his eyes lock with yours you feel all the pain you've ever caused anyone in your life. If you fight him, you better have an amazing rack.
-Black Out™
...I KNOW about lasers. Or do I?
