I have a friend working at the Vatican Newspaper L'Osservatore Romano who's name I can't reveal, who has leaked to me a preview of the holy father's official statement on the Da Vinci Code.
For your learned consideration:
BULL Summis desiderantes, May 19th, 2006 Bullarium Romanum (Taurinensis editio), sub, anno 2006. Benedict, bishop, servant of the servants of God, Ad futuram rei memoriam.
To the flock of the Universal Holy Roman Apostolic church, blessings unto you all in the name of Christ and his glory everlasting,
We Benedict XVI issue the following Statement and Papal Bull on the matter of Sony’s release of the Da Vinci Code:
Mr. Dan Brown’s book sucked.
Looks like the movie is going to suck too.
Tom Hanks looks creepy.
Yeah we’ll probably see it too, but who wants to wait in line on opening weekend to get bored to bits? If enough people hate it, we might just wait till we can Netflix it, but then we keep pushing stuff on our queue down. We still haven't seen Crash, if you can beleive that. We just have to be in the right mindset for the heavy stuff.
Let’s leave the inability to differentiate fact from fiction to the Hillbillies and Protestants, and quit giving Sony free publicity.
After the movie opens and closes we’ll still be here, which is more than we can say for Dreamworks Animation. We mean, who opens the same week as DaVinci? We don’t care that it’s a kid’s movie, it’s gonna get buried. It’s a shame too, because Bill Shatner as a possum looks hilarious.
Given in Rome, at St. Peter's in the year of Our Lord's incarnation 2006, on the nones of May, in the first year of our pontificate.