Friday, June 09, 2006
Let's begin this by saying I don't spook easily. My distaste for the Horror genre is not due to the fact that I can't stomach fright and gore, but rather i can't stomach bad plots and inane babble. Not to say I don't appreciate a good gore fest, or clever methods of bloody and cruel death. Take FINAL DESTINATION; a fine film by all accounts, that suffers the indignity of some of the most spoon fed dialogue.
Dude: Wait, you mean Death is STALKING us?
Girl: YES! Death feels cheated, and so it's coming to get us.
Dude2: So what you're saying is we are being hunted by Death.
Dude: Like, being stalked in a way.
Girl: Right! For cheating it.
Dude2: So DEATH itself is stalking us for cheating it.
Dude: That's waay fucked up, right there.
A TANK ROLLS OVER THE GIRL
Dude: That's death for you.
Dude2: Always Stalking.
You get the point.
Furthermore, I don't believe in the supernatural. Oh, i'm open to it (Sort of) but the fact is that the people who see ghosts the most often, tend to be the people who wear pewter and crystals, and attend renaissance festivals. I'm not saying that you didn't see the apparition of your grandma just after she died, but, well...you didn't.
So My skeptical and unaffected resume laid out before you, I must now divulge that my world has been thrown into turmoil by two products I've recently seen on TV. Two items for sale that have shaken my foundation.They are advertised as normal everyday things that one should take as normal, but they are either miracles, or witchcraft. You choose.
First let's begin with THIS thing.
Holy Jesus fuck! Are you kidding me with this? A wand. I mean, let's call a spade a spade. A wand that you rub on your head, and its odorless and traceless oil-free content will miraculously cure you of a Migraine.
This is either a fuckiing spell-casting stick of black magic, a Crock of shit, or a severe toxin to be avoided. Migraines are caused by anything from Old Cheese (No Joke) to excess sleep. So HOW IN ALL THAT IS SACRED AND HOLY can rubbing a stick on your forehead cure you of something caused by Caffeine, or Menses for that matter?
Bullshit or witchcraft? I may never know, because I'm not rubbing that thing on MY head.
This object, is my second connundrum.
It's not the notion of a Laser Level that freaks me to my very bowels. I speaka da laser. I had lazer tag as a kid, I have weilded a laser pointer in my day. I saw this movie ...I KNOW about lasers. Or do I?
As seen on TV, this very laser level also "Rounds Corners". Let me repeat that.
This thing rounds CORNERS!? WHAT? This is LIGHT! No mirrors, nothing, just happens to turn the corner if the wall does. The difference between this and Head on, is that perfectly normal people have attested to this MIRACLE as if it were an everyday thing. I Pose to you, that if Jesus were futzing about in Galillee and decided to bend light around a corner, we would all say "That Jesus, always doing crazy shit."
But for someone to be able to order it for 19.99, and have a stud finder included is more for my noodle to contain. Light bending, magic wands, 666, the OC, I'm starting to believe that the end times are nigh. Now if you'll excuse me I have work to do on my box that lights up and brings the knowledge of the universe to my fingertips.