Friday = Death of the Week

My new concept of bringing stability and security to my blog continues with DEATH OF THE WEEK. The premise being; the week dies, and so do people. So I use "Chunk" to "Shuffle off those mortal coils" and pay homage to the famously deceased. Along with a deadly "Item of the week" and a Nugget of Death from the sauciest Funeral Director this side of the Mississippi, Mandy Barnes (Bubblegum Vernacular on my sidebar).

ANOTHER REASON TO SAY "TGIF", AND TO "TAKE A SWIG OF ALF"!



Shuffled off this week:

Lobot



1932-2005

He didn't say much, but he said it loud. Your nod to Lando will be forever remebered.



Ralph Edwards




1913-2005

The first person to embarass celebrities in public. So old that Bob Barker considered him a mentor.

Deadly thing of the week:
Salt

Mandy Barnes' Tidbit of Death:

"The coroner has a fee of $200 for release unless it's a homicide or a child under 14. Babies are free!"

Science Tuedays

So I've decided to start some sort of schedule to my blog to prevent me from being so damn lazy about it. I present to you SCIENCE TUESDAYS. This will hopefully be followed by a daily theme to each weekday allowing structure and joy to enter my blog. Most probably this will fall to the wayside when I find a video of someone getting hit in the Nads and have to post it on Tuesday.

Nonetheless, here they are. My three favorite science stories of the week:

#1. John Cleese gets a Lemur named after him.

Ministry of Silly Monkeys

#2. Scientists excavate "Godzilla" remains, and Tokyo moves to threat level "Olange"

Rook Out!


#3. Robo-Carp added to London Aquarium. It almost Immediately decides to go by the name "Murphy", and kicks a barracuda's ass.

Robo Carp

Focus on the Thighs...

So as i was fucking about on the web, I found myself face to face with the most beloved/ despised sites conjoined by the evil furrow browed child pictured above.

Focus on The Family, Facists supreme, are sharing the cockeyed kid with none other than THE THIGHMASTER himself.

What's next?

Pink meets Anne Coulter?

Mandy Barnes on Freakin' NPR!

My old friend, Mandy "I'm a Funeral Director Y'all!" Barnes was featured on an NPR piece last weekend.


NPR Y'all!



Please Make sure to Visit her permanent home on the web:
Bubblegum Vernacular (Posted On my Sidebar)

Does anyone know whatever happened to UNC Alumni from the east coast?
Anyone?

That's what I thought.

In your face NY!

Why Boston Legal is quickly replacing LOST

Danny Crane

CS assaults GWM in WeHo...total BS

In the time before sanitation, conservatism and the ruling class was made up of chinless, inbred landed gentry who could not possibly be bothered with the suffering of their own people. Now of course, conservatives are still chinless and inbred, but they are more and more becoming tragic, blind bumpkins or caricatures of wealth and corruption. Did I mention all conservatives are inbreds? Just making sure. The point I’m about to make here is a brutal one, and I’m just getting you kids accustomed to the tone.

Before I lay into the red, so to speak, let me back up to a pivotal moment in my life. I grew up in an insane little berg called Colorado Springs in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, at the foot of pikes peak and on the edge of reality.




Allow me to give you a crash course on CS. Colorado Springs is home to the largest percentage of Christian Organizations in the WORLD…yes, the WORLD. Among the cute, god-fearing orgs that make their home in Colorado Springs, is Focus on Das Family or “FOF”,as we called it, the mother of all goose stepping, right wing nut job action groups.
Jimmy Dobson, the leader of FOF makes Pat Robertson look like a gay hippy in comparison. Thanks to the influence of FOF, and Young Life and other faith-based groups, the whole town has jumped on the Jesus bandwagon and now the place looks like a hillbilly Vatican. Christian Bookstores, Christian Dry Cleaners, Christian Construction, Christian Phone Service (I think it doesn’t allow you to dial Jews and Catholics), Christian hot wings (Right Wings Only)…you get the point. Add to this religious fervor Fort Carson, Peterson Air Force Base, NORAD, and the Air Force Academy, and you get a place so conservative, that women who show their ankles are often stoned by clergy who can’t look at them for fear of becoming impure. Naturally this results in many innocent people being accidentally stoned by pastors in blindfolds. That however, is neither here nor there, and has even less to do with the anecdote I am about to shovel on to you.

My friend, my good friend , Matt Gregory is a toe-head bible thumper in the truest meaning of the world. Aryan to the hilt, and unmoving in his faith, he always wore a mustard seed necklace (Jesus Likes Condiments?) good guy though. His dad was a giant and gentle man who worked for focus on the family. Good sense of humor, both of them. Matt and I were in Advanced Placement US History, and we were learning about the civil rights movement. Progress in society in my book, is defined by the fact that even in the most backwoods bumpkin-filled hamlets in this country, most people can accept that segregation and Jim Crow laws were WRONG. So it was a pretty pleasing class when left and right could agree on redneck injustice. Our teacher Mr. Davis made reference to an asshole federal judge named William Cox, who released the defendants in the Mississippi burning case. My friend Matt was jarred.
“William Cox?” he spat out
“William HAROLD Cox?”
Mr. Davis nodded.
“But I thought he was a good guy. My dad knows him,”

I’m sure Matt went home and was given a bullshit line of “born again” or “different times” and he went on his merry way. But I know it hit him, as it should hit all right wingers. Yeah there’s Louis Farrakhan, and Peta and the Animal Liberation front, and numerous Eco-terrorists of marginal importance, Ultimately though, I would like to remind my right wing friends that you are more closely related to Nazis, segregationists, the inquisition, and the chinless inbred despots of yore. You guys share the scruples of the assholes at ENRON, everyone one of you who drives a HUMMER are responsible in part for the 2000 soldiers slain in Iraq, shortsightedness is an excuse you have been using too long. We are two opposing teams, and I take pride in being on the progressive team. Conservatism is inherently self destructive, and you can only stem or stop the flow of progress and humanism for so long before the damn breaks and the spirit of people overwhelms your selfish shortsightedness. Cowards, all of you, for not looking beyond the horizon, for fearing change and dwelling on differences and your own comfort rather than supplying the basic needs for the society and world that has given you so much.

A gay man in West Hollywood was on roller skates on Halloween. He and his friend were assaulted and beaten severely by YOUR right wing compatriots. Dismiss them as random thugs, but you’d be surprised as to how many of your views they share. You never hear about vegetarians stalking a meat eater and then bludgeoning him. You never hear of someone for socialized medicine attacking Insurance salesmen. Don’t fool yourselves. These are YOUR people. YOUR friends.

William Cox
Focus on the Family
Colorado Springs
Matt Gregory

YOU

Shuffling off those mortal coils

1913- 2005




Eddie: There are three things that Black people need to tell the truth about. Number one: Rodney King should've gotten his ass beat for being drunk in a Honda a white part of Los Angeles. Number two: O.J. did it! And number three: Rosa Parks didn't do nuthin' but sit her Black ass down!

Maybe so, but what an ass.

Always On My Mind

It's going to be a LOOOONG weekend.

October's finest week

So this has been apretty Kickass week in general.
Let's recap some of the Web's finest moments:



Awww...look at the darling little Neo Nazis!



Bob Saget and Dave Coulier are FILTHY!



Seems like the gang of LOST are acting like a bunch of drama QUEENS


Last but not least, I juss wanna give a shout-out to all my progressive brothas and sistahs out there. Good week everyone. Now let's get rid of MIERS CHENEY LIBBY ROVE DE LAY AND FRIST.

While we're at it, let's remember 2008


TANNED RESTED AND READY!


And just for Kicks...
This bitch is so fake, she's managed to master her only "look".
DIE!

Alf Needs...

Ok, so i stole this from my friend DINAH who's blog PUFF PIECE is permanently linked to on the sidebar.
The premise is as follows:

You go to google. You enter "YOUR NAME needs". Now I know my friends, and I know that they would never even consider typing "YOUR NAME", but if you are a random dipshit that stumbled across this, and were confused by the instructions...

Then google will respond with what you need. Then you post your five favorites. In no particular order.

ALF needs some sort of service registry.

* I couldn't agree more, I can't keep all my services in line as it is.

ALF needs to start a revolution of public opinion.

* what do you think this Blog is for?

Alf needs a family where he can be with people as much as possible.

*Oh god! It's like google can see into my SOUL.

ALF needs our help in raising funds to prevent, treat and cure hepatitis

* Please send checks or money orders c/o Alfredo LaMont...

ALF needs help with bathing and dressing himself.

*Please send your daughters and virgins c/o Alfredo LaMont...

Holy Shit!

All LaMont family members have their quirks. My dad for example, can't understand that restaurants don't serve Diet Root Beer. It never fails, we'll go out to outback, or chili's or some such place, and my father will burden the waitstaff with his request. DIET ROOT BEER. Does that even exist? Waitstaff tell their friends in the back, who I'm sure tell their families that some man has ordered Diet Root Beer again despite having been in last week, and had been denied his ficticious drink then as well. My mother has the tendency to insist almost violently, that people loosen up. She's been known to hit employees over the head with blunt objects, when they seemed not at ease enough at the employee xmas party. Me, I can't tie my shoelaces, but my brother has two very interesting issues that starngely convereged in Manchester england yesterday.

My father and brother are both members of the SIT ON THE CRAPPER FOR TWO HOURS WHILE READING ALL THE PAPER club.
I was not invited. Though I enjoy regular movements and reading material, I refuse to devote any more time than is necessary to the act of pinching a loaf. My brother and my father however, seem to have made the john their domain of two hours. I'm not airing family laundry and pooping habits for no reason. See, i've also always been wildly entertained by my brother's irrational fears. My brother has phobias that cover everything from horses, to driving in Los Angeles, to well...snakes. So you can imagine my giggling joy when i came across the following article.



A 10ft boa constrictor has been captured after popping up in the loos of a posh block of flats in Manchester.
The snake had terrified tenants since it was first spotted in a toilet last week, reports the Mirror.
It's believed to have been living in sewage pipes for three months after being abandoned by an evicted tenant three months ago.
People had to put bricks on their loo seats to stop the snake, which has been named Keith, slipping into their bathrooms.
Firemen were called in to try to track him down in the pipework but a brave resident of the West Didsbury flats finally trapped him in a bucket.
Keith is now in the care of the RSPCA.
Spokesman Jimmy Ratcliff, an expert on exotic animals, said: "They can swim very well and can hold their breath for more than 20 minutes - though what is out of the ordinary is the size of this snake.
"It has probably been eating rats in the sewer, where it appears to have been living quite happily."

Oh man, just the mental image of my brother prepping for poo, and finding a Boa on his sacred throne, is enough to send me into fits of hilarity.

Just wanted to share.

Indictment Bingo

Indictment Bingo
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

Any other Progressive tongues drooling? I saw the headline "DC Braces for Cheney Announcement" and I soiled myself.

Witch Hunt Anyone?

Some people...

your_a_total_bitch
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

So i answer and ad on craigslist for a roomate situation. She replies, saying that I'm an asshole.

I reply kinda confused...then this cutesy exchange gets posted on craigslist.
Please note she omits her original insult, and my inquiry.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/roo/103703176.html

Alfghanistan Redux

alfghanistan
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

So I've Coddled my baby Duchy and see how she has grown!


The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan
"Podex Perfectus Est"

UN Category: Scandinavian Liberal Paradise

Civil Rights:
Superb
Economy:
Fair
Political Freedoms:
Very Good

Location: 1 George Bush Too Many


The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan is a huge, environmentally stunning nation, remarkable for its punitive income tax rates. Its compassionate population of 276 million enjoy extensive civil rights and enjoy a level of social equality free from the usual accompanying government corruption.

It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, socially-minded government stops and the rest of society begins, but it is mainly concerned with Social Welfare, although Healthcare and Education are secondary priorities. The average income tax rate is 92%, and even higher for the wealthy. Private enterprise is illegal, but for those in the know there is a slick and highly efficient black market in Book Publishing.

Appendix transplant figures recently doubled, all recreational drugs are legal, 'The Anti-Government Hour' is a popular programme on many of Alfghanistan's radio stations, and all guns must be registered. Crime -- especially youth-related -- is totally unknown. Alfghanistan's national animal is the Puffin, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its currency is the Doh.


Alfghanistan is ranked 4th in the region and 690th in the world for Most Beautiful Environments.

Betrayal

Betrayal of Christ
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

What a strange month it has been.
September flew in, heralded my twenty-ninth birthday, kicked my ass around a few times, spit on my face, force fed me black licorice, poked fun at my weight, and stole my girl. And then, in the final week of this wrenched month, it picked me up, apologized handed me fifty dollars, and offered to have my car washed. I speak in metaphors of course, but I found that an overriding sense of betrayal seemed to be in the air.

I felt betrayed, my health betrayed me, I betrayed my friend, my friend betrayed me, I betrayed myself. The government betrayed the people, the weather betrayed Mississippi, the Levies betrayed Nola. Tom betrayed Jerry, Fred betrayed Barney, Hurley Betrayed Locke, Napoleon betrayed Josephine. The whole betrayal thing felt like it was pummeling me like a leather clad dominatrix, and all I could do is sit there with a ball in my mouth and a thong made of rubber with a studded choker, and take it. Am I inherently deceitful? I seem to gloss over things when I’m around people, especially when all is wrong. Are people around me all as callous and self serving as I was? Will they ultimately abandon me for their own comfort? It gave me some serious pause. What kind of world do I inhabit that when faced with adversity I can become so self-centered. Wallowing in indulgent self-pity, and leading those around me into worry and hurt?

Despite my bouts with self-loathing this month, and through the high drama of betrayals, I have come to realize that now more than ever I believe in the inherent good and beauty of my friends and family. The people who surround me are a gift, each individual has seen the good in my heart and has chosen to stick it out. I can be a pain, yes. And so can they, but ultimately I do not keep bad company. At its worst, I keep good company with unfortunate issues. Even then, I find it difficult to stare someone and say goodbye, and punish them for things that I’m sure I would be guilty of too, if I was as totally fucked as they seem to be . My eyes forbid me to zone in on the weaknesses and baser instincts of friends, much like my friends choose to ignore mine when my shortcomings crawl out of my gut. Wallowing in anger and sadness is no way to live in this world. And if a friend fails me, I need only think of myself and how shallow I can be when I hurt inside. Ultimately a betrayal in the end is an admittance of weakness. I could not do what was right, because I am in pain. An excuse to be sure, but that sort of failure evokes pity in me, not anger. In the end, I appreciate and invoke the greatest gift of western civilization. The thing that brings the holiest and more beautiful aspects of us all to light, and allows us the next day to be a better person. Forgiveness. I thank you all for yours, and promise to act in kind.

How far must we fall?

I was watching Bill speaking intelligently on real problems. Adressing hunger,poverty, disease, discrimination. Such fluency, intelligence, confidence. And then the babbling twirp came on.

How reckless and destructive does a person have to be efore there is national outrage?
Gas prices not high enough? Three trillion dollars in deficit not wreckless enough? 2000 dead american boys and girls, and 14, 000 wounded not enough? The complete destruction of american cities not appaling enough? The assault on liberty, choice, and science isn't your thing?
What will it take?
I'm reminded of a scene in Hamlet.

Hamlet:
See, what a grace was seated on this brow;
Hyperion's curls; the front of Jove himself;
An eye like Mars, to threaten and command;
A station like the herald Mercury
New-lighted on a heaven-kissing hill;
A combination and a form indeed,
Where every god did seem to set his seal,
To give the world assurance of a man:
This was your President. Look you now, what follows:
Here is your President. Have you eyes?
Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,
And batten on this moor? Ha! have you eyes?
You cannot call it love; for at your age
The hey-day in the blood is tame, it's humble,
And waits upon the judgment: and what judgment
Would step from this to this? Sense, sure, you have,
Else could you not have motion; but sure, that sense
Is apoplex'd; for madness would not err,
Nor sense to ecstasy was ne'er so thrall'd
But it reserved some quantity of choice,
To serve in such a difference. What devil was't
That thus hath cozen'd you at hoodman-blind?

Big Ass Calamari

If you ever watch Disney cartoons, the most trouble a tentacled creature can cause is the occasional face suction of Donald while fishing, or Goofy while water skiing.

Yeah, there's the giant squid in 20000 Leagues, and Ursula the sea witch is part octopus, but I see those as aberrations. I mean, the Japanese eat LIVE octopii, and they don't seem to suffer one way or another. Unless you count their sex-pervert comic books, but I hardly think that's the fault of an octopus or squid.

Recently, it's come to my horrified attention that octopii are the smartest creatures, excluding mammals (Mammals rule!) in the wide sea. Now as you watchTHISvideo, I challenge you to think on our friend the giant squid (Caught on Film in it's natural habitat for the first time in history, and pictured above) who can grow to be over 100 feet in length

100 feet. Sperm whales are attacked by these guys.

The Los Angeles Blackout of 2005

The city of Los Angeles descended into lawlessness earlier this week as a power outage swept through the poorest neighborhoods of Los Angeles, causing devastation. The effects of the Power Outage Jeff's wrath were felt all along the southland from Burbank to Huntington Beach. Ted disrupted TV watching throughout Los angeles and the American Red Cross is asking people to donate tapes of Cops, the View, and Maury. People were caught off guard as the suddeness and furor of Jeff took its toll on the elderly and infirmed, and jobless.

"I was going to only drink HALF my frappucino and then put it in the freezer."
Said longtime Larchmont resident
"Now i have to finish it. I'm not sure what's going to happen."

Frappucinos weren't the only ones affected. The beverly center became a trap for hundreds of shoppers as Air conditioning went out despite the building's generators kicking in. Reports are hazy but at least two waifs were treated for sweating.

The true horror of Blackout Jeff developed as dozens of refugees swarmed to the Staples Center where police describe utter chaos as bathroom attendants ran out of mints, and cell phone coverage became "Spotty".

Beverly Hills, we are glad to say remained unnafected by the outage. The city's homeless run power generators can keep the Rodeo area running for at least two weeks, provided they shoot anyone trying to enter city limits, which they may do anyway.

DEVO: The Next Generation

DEVO: The Next Generation
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

5th graders in Minnesota.

Whip it!

The happiest place on earth...FOR DEATH

Ok, I've been holding out on you. The weekend preceding my birthday I took a little trip with my brother and his girlfriend. I've been hesitating admitting to this, because I wasn't sure if I could EVER hope to recount in vivid enough detail the pallid, puffy extravaganza of neo gothic/industrial nerdery that filled Disneyland on what is known amongst certain acne prone circles as….BATS DAY (Minor Chord Struck Violently on a rusty pipe organ).

On a day that I assume holds some sort of celestial importance for being prone to gay paradox, my brother, myself, and his girlfriend, all clad in summertime pastels and shorts. Found ourselves in the Happiest Place on earth surrounded by unhealthy looking people in makeup and leather.

Behold! Herr Spritz! Master of darkness! And the most homoertically charged teenage boy ever to don a military uniform. Kindly note the grim stares of his eeeevil wenches as they pose by the drug induced portrait of ALICE!


Despite the obvious retardation and futility of wearing a leather corset in 100 degree weather, and then riding on splash mountain, or the fact that your makeup tends to run when you sweat like a hog in line to big thunder mountain. What was truly freakish wasn't so much the goth/industrial teens running (They don't really run do they? Moping? Is that the word? Lurching Perhaps?) around the park, but the horrible clash of cultures when older Goths who had bred, met face to face with the other freakishly clad families from the Midwest.

Picture with me, 200lb momma, 200lb Poppa, and their eight year old twin boys weighing in at a Buck fifty each. Wearing shorts, mouse ears, and NASCAR Tees. Now watch as they wait in Line next to 200 lb Momma in a schoolgirl outfit, 50lb Poppa in Neo's Outfit from the matrix, and their infant Gothling sportin a Mohawk, and black fingernail polish at the ripe age of two. To me, equally grotesque and chilling examples of people who never really grew out of a phase. Whatever the case, here we were all three groups at Disneyland. All of us laughing, spending money, and having a happy wholesome time at the happiest place on Earth. Kudos to the Disney company for achieving such inclusiveness at the risk of alienating the lame.

As for my nerdy, puffy, pasty, lords of darkness. The pierced, studded, chained, sickly, needy denizens of satan. You may be my mortal enemies on the outside, but in the line to Space Mountain, we are all six year olds standing on our tiptoes making sure we are tall enough to ride.

Happy Berfday to us!

The Late Hillbilly Musician Conway Twitty Would be 72 Y'all


The Late Boston Blockbuster Rocky Marciano would be 82. Adrian!


Lilly Tomlin Completes 66 Ringy Dingys


Rythm is gonna get Gloria Estefan at 48

Barry Gibb is staying alive at 59


Dr, Phill is still waiting to rot in hell at 55


And with an optimistic eye to the future and team Zissou behind me, I'm 29....GACK!

It's Scientific Fact

einstein999
Originally uploaded by larrysf.

My uncle and my dad often get to arguing when we visit my Right-Wing, Fundamentalist, Evangelical family in Los Gatos (San Jose). My cousins and I understand the futility of these arguments, so the "Kids" stay away from the conversations, but very often my uncle and dad get pretty heated. Ultimately I've learned a few things about how the conservative christian mind works:

1. A fetus is more important than a felon or a foreigner

2. Dinosaurs and man Coexisted, Jonah was Swallowed by a whale that is now extinct

3. Saddam does/did have WMDs and they are buried in the Desert. He and Osama are buddies.

4. Gay people are gay by choice, and can be ungayed through prayer.

5. Hollywood is terrible for poking fun at the midwest in About Schmidt, but is Hillarious for making fun of itself in Sideways.

I think whenever I start hearing our families squabble about extinct mega whales that swallow mythical prophets I'll just break into this song.

It's Scientific Fact

R.I.P.H.S.T

R.I.P.H.S.T
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

My good friend and mentor HST was scattered in across the mountains of Colorado in a ceremony last Saturday. From a Friend in attendace, the party was a good time for everyone. Long enough after Hunter's first big bang, to allow all the melancholy to sink to the bottom, and allow the happy memories to float to the top.

It gives me pause. This Morning on NPR i was listening to a man who wrote and helps other old people write their obituaries. Remembrance is an interesting thing, and Hunter has no doubt achieved his immortality, but what about the rest of us? I read not long ago about a Pittsburgh man who was such a Steelers fan that he had himself propped up on a recliner with his jersey, for part of the wake.

Personally, I want to be sat in the audience. just propped up on a pew or whatever, as my freinds eulogise me they can see my grinning corpse.

Then, I wany my skull removed and cleaned, and donated to the UNC theater department for use in productions of Hamlet.

I want my ashes scattered on Invesco Field at Mile High, and I want a tombstone in L.A that reads:

"Here Lies Alf LaMont Who Died Heroically While Saving his Family from angry Zulus in the Natal Province
1976-1879"

I want that tombstone somwhere with a lot of foot traffic so people get creeped out thinking they are stepping on my grave while in reality my final resting place is in the heels and cleats of those damn Broncos who better win another superbowl before I die.

Just some thoughts.

His noodly glory unto thee...

As you know, the backwards bumpkins of the Kansas school board have decided to force unto their students the preposterous theory of intelligent design as part of the science curriculum. In response, a youngster named Bobby Henderson has created a religion based on a Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the whole thing has snowballed brilliantly into an Anti Intelligent design movement. The

site

is pretty clever as well.
Ask yourself WWFSMD?

Update:
Please take a moment to check out the

incredibly simplistic and ignorant website

created by world class RETARD "Dr." Ken Holvind.
Pay particular attention to the appearnce schedule for Aug 28.

That's right folks.. I was raised amongst them.

Oh Christ No! No! Put it Away! Why God?

carrottop

As if he weren't tragic enough.
As if his strange eyebrow plucking in the style of Gloria Swanson, didn't make him a total freak.
I'm sure he's got some hilarious prop to describe steroid use.

Finally! A Match for Hercules the Liger

Hot DAMN!!!!
Originally uploaded by macslost.

I'm usually for the imminent pulverisation of unwanted wildlife, but i have to say its a crime and a shame that those hilbillys in FLA couldn't see this animal as a delicious freak of nature that should be captured and oggled at by people with no teeth, not blasted away by some bumpkin.

Orlando
June 16, 2005


Titusville - Anita and Charlie Rogers could hear the bellowing in the night. Her neighbors had been telling them that they had seen a giant alligator in the waterway that runs behind their house, but they dismissed the stories as exaggerations. "I didn't believe it," Charles Rogers said. Friday they realized the stories were, if anything, understated. Florida Parks and Wildlife game wardens had to shoot the beast. Joe Goff, a game warden with the Florida Parks and Wildlife Department, walks past a 13-foot, 1-inch alligator that he shot and killed in their back yard.

The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan

So when i found the sweet Nueva California Flag that I posted with my blue state rant, I came across

THIS

lovely "Build your own nation" site with a UN and all sorts of fun time-wasting stuff. Including the lovely Alfghani Flag (Pictured above and still in its Infant Stages)

Behold...


The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan
"Podex Perfectus Est"

UN Category: Scandinavian Liberal Paradise

Civil Rights:
Excellent
Economy:
Basket Case
Political Freedoms:
Very Good


Location: The North Pacific


The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan is a tiny, safe nation, notable for its punitive income tax rates. Its compassionate, intelligent population of 6 million enjoy extensive civil rights and enjoy a level of social equality free from the usual accompanying government corruption.


It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, socially-minded government stops and the rest of society begins, but it is mainly concerned with Social Welfare, although Healthcare and Education are on the agenda. The average income tax rate is 57%, and even higher for the wealthy.


Voting is voluntary. Crime -- especially youth-related -- is totally unknown. Alfghanistan's national animal is the puffin, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its currency is the Doh.

For the Official Site of the Grand Duchy, please click

Someone is more clever than I am...

nueva california
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

Dear Red States:


We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've
decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking
the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes
Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the
entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and
especially to the people of the new country of New California. To sum up
briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer.
You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get
Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of
America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get
two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their
fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If
you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and
they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets
coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn
up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's
Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90
percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the
U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the
Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech
and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to
cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans and their projected health care
costs, 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob
Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the
Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent
believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing the death penalty
or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent
that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards
believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New
California

Constantine

As i recall the gist of that movie was that Keanu Reeves died, went to hell for two minutes, and then came back all changed.

I was in hell for about a week, and though I'll skip over the details, let's just say that among the ruins of the last week of July Lies my residence, my vacation, and very nearly friends and job. So i'll spare you all the ghastly details work and friend realted, and move to the sordid affairs of Saturday and Sunday.

I started the Day with the dropping off of Two Metric Tons of Laundry, one ton of Dry cleaning, and donating three elephant's worth to charity.

Then, it was off to Little Tokyo for Lunch and the purchasing of accoutrements for the evening's festivities.

My brother and i ate some Yakitori, bought some headbands, and huffed on over to the paradigm softball game, just in time to heckle some really deserving people.

This is me at the beggining of the evening.


Please note the fact that I am standing. This will not be the case later on.

Drink Score:4

We then prceeded to the beac, where a Karate Kid Party was in progress. Being the coolest guys there, my brother, Ice-man and I had a few drinks, talked to some chicks, scored some digits and continued to the next party.

Drink Score:8

At the next party I pour myself a bourbon on the rocks and eat a few rice crispy treats and a brownie or two,
I recall nothing after that.



It's monday, and I'm still hung over.