In the time before sanitation, conservatism and the ruling class was made up of chinless, inbred landed gentry who could not possibly be bothered with the suffering of their own people. Now of course, conservatives are still chinless and inbred, but they are more and more becoming tragic, blind bumpkins or caricatures of wealth and corruption. Did I mention all conservatives are inbreds? Just making sure. The point I’m about to make here is a brutal one, and I’m just getting you kids accustomed to the tone.
Before I lay into the red, so to speak, let me back up to a pivotal moment in my life. I grew up in an insane little berg called Colorado Springs in the foothills of the Rocky Mountains, at the foot of pikes peak and on the edge of reality.
Allow me to give you a crash course on CS. Colorado Springs is home to the largest percentage of Christian Organizations in the WORLD…yes, the WORLD. Among the cute, god-fearing orgs that make their home in Colorado Springs, is Focus on Das Family or “FOF”,as we called it, the mother of all goose stepping, right wing nut job action groups.
Jimmy Dobson, the leader of FOF makes Pat Robertson look like a gay hippy in comparison. Thanks to the influence of FOF, and Young Life and other faith-based groups, the whole town has jumped on the Jesus bandwagon and now the place looks like a hillbilly Vatican. Christian Bookstores, Christian Dry Cleaners, Christian Construction, Christian Phone Service (I think it doesn’t allow you to dial Jews and Catholics), Christian hot wings (Right Wings Only)…you get the point. Add to this religious fervor Fort Carson, Peterson Air Force Base, NORAD, and the Air Force Academy, and you get a place so conservative, that women who show their ankles are often stoned by clergy who can’t look at them for fear of becoming impure. Naturally this results in many innocent people being accidentally stoned by pastors in blindfolds. That however, is neither here nor there, and has even less to do with the anecdote I am about to shovel on to you.
My friend, my good friend , Matt Gregory is a toe-head bible thumper in the truest meaning of the world. Aryan to the hilt, and unmoving in his faith, he always wore a mustard seed necklace (Jesus Likes Condiments?) good guy though. His dad was a giant and gentle man who worked for focus on the family. Good sense of humor, both of them. Matt and I were in Advanced Placement US History, and we were learning about the civil rights movement. Progress in society in my book, is defined by the fact that even in the most backwoods bumpkin-filled hamlets in this country, most people can accept that segregation and Jim Crow laws were WRONG. So it was a pretty pleasing class when left and right could agree on redneck injustice. Our teacher Mr. Davis made reference to an asshole federal judge named William Cox, who released the defendants in the Mississippi burning case. My friend Matt was jarred.
“William Cox?” he spat out
“William HAROLD Cox?”
Mr. Davis nodded.
“But I thought he was a good guy. My dad knows him,”
I’m sure Matt went home and was given a bullshit line of “born again” or “different times” and he went on his merry way. But I know it hit him, as it should hit all right wingers. Yeah there’s Louis Farrakhan, and Peta and the Animal Liberation front, and numerous Eco-terrorists of marginal importance, Ultimately though, I would like to remind my right wing friends that you are more closely related to Nazis, segregationists, the inquisition, and the chinless inbred despots of yore. You guys share the scruples of the assholes at ENRON, everyone one of you who drives a HUMMER are responsible in part for the 2000 soldiers slain in Iraq, shortsightedness is an excuse you have been using too long. We are two opposing teams, and I take pride in being on the progressive team. Conservatism is inherently self destructive, and you can only stem or stop the flow of progress and humanism for so long before the damn breaks and the spirit of people overwhelms your selfish shortsightedness. Cowards, all of you, for not looking beyond the horizon, for fearing change and dwelling on differences and your own comfort rather than supplying the basic needs for the society and world that has given you so much.
A gay man in West Hollywood was on roller skates on Halloween. He and his friend were assaulted and beaten severely by YOUR right wing compatriots. Dismiss them as random thugs, but you’d be surprised as to how many of your views they share. You never hear about vegetarians stalking a meat eater and then bludgeoning him. You never hear of someone for socialized medicine attacking Insurance salesmen. Don’t fool yourselves. These are YOUR people. YOUR friends.
Focus on the Family