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My Reunion with Skippy

When i was a wee bairn in the bonnie hills of Pedregal in Mexico City, I was exposed to my first television shows. This being Mexico and pre-cable, I found myself being exposed to the odd mish-mash of programming that the Mexican network execs passed off for programming. There was Odisea Burbujas (Bubble Odyssey) an oddly educational show involving Frog, Lizard, Mouse and Bee Furries who are led across the stars by a red-headed "Professor". Bizzare, yes? Certainly reminiscent of H.R Puffnstuff. There was Disney's world of Color "De Colores", and of course classic American shows like Dukes of Hazzard, Hawaii 5-0, and the Love Boat. All of which were dubbed in Spanish by the same 5 actors who I think are still doing it. It was weird having Captain Stubing have the same voice as Roscoe P. Coltrane, but you're a kid and you go with it.

However, there was one show that blew my infant mind. An Aussie import based on the same insanity that made Flipper and Lassie such hits, but with a certain Outback/Colony feel to it that made it absolutely mesmerizing. The name of the show was SKIPPY THE BUSH KANGAROO. Basically, the premise is that in an desolate Ranger station in the outback a child with no friends ends up making friends with a genius Kangaroo that communicates with clicks. Not only this, but Skippy had bizzare animal friends like an Emu, and a Wombat who would not only help her (Yes, like Lassie) rescue people in the outback, but would even seek out and apprehend criminals. I KNOW! Your mind is blown.

When we moved to the US in 84, I was absolutely thrilled at American Teevee. Yes, there was already cable in Mexico at the time. I was getting all the latest BETA movies from my dad, grandparents and anyone who stepped foot in the US, along with Happy Meals, Legos and Star Wars toys none of which were available in Mexico at the time (I was as far as I know, the first kid in Mexico to have The Ewok Village). Nothing, could have prepared me for the magical panoply that was Saturday Morning Cartoons. The littles, The Smurfs, The Biskitts (Essentialy Dog-Smurfs), Go Bots, etc. ad nauseum.

Something was amiss, however. No Skippy. Furthermore, whenever i tried to explain Skippy to my Elementary School peers, I was met with the sort of worldly and embracing attitude that can be expected from second graders in Colorado Springs, as they are being told of a Rescue-Kangaroo by the first Mexican they've ever encountered.
Needless to say I dropped Skippy, and adopted the more socially acceptable GIJoe and Transformers. However, in my heart lay a dormant Kangaroo named Skippy.

Fast forward to 2005. I am working at Paradigm Talent Agency, and an Agent (Frank Balkin) is talking to me about TeeVee shows. Out of nowhere, jumps this fantastical tale of Skippy The Bush Kangaroo, and wouldn't you know it, the Internets has arrived. After that magical moment, where for the first time I was able to share Skippy with my co-workers I have waited for the audience and the clip that would encapsulate the entire Skippy experience.

Friends, you are the audience. And here is the clip:


More, you say?

The theme.


The theme as rocked out by a rock band named the Bush Rangers, who dress as the Kelly Gang. Frankly, I almost pooped. Skippy plays the drums.

Asking a Cult Member On a Date

I had met this girl at one of the thanksgiving dinners i was invited to. I had expressed early interest but a mutual friend (Who is also "In the program") had told me she doesn't date "Outside". I friended her on facebook and then this went down. Names and Dates have been changed to protect the innocent, including the group she was pandering for.

X
hey Alf
7:39pm

Alf
Hey X.
What a pleasant surprise.
7:39pm

X
How r u doing on a raining day
7:39pm

Alf
I am well.
Praying for the day to end.
7:40pm

X
lol
7:40pm

Alf
Seriosuly, I am beat. Long week.
You?
7:40pm

X
yes, arent we all
i had a down day today
but i am alright now:)
7:41pm

Alf
Oh yeah?
7:41pm

X
I heard that u were intersted in going basic?
7:41pm

Alf
Being down and rain are just awful
7:41pm

X
when r u gonna go! i am so excited
7:41pm

Alf
Go where?
7:41pm

X
the training that *** and I went
7:41pm

Alf
Hahaha
I think you mean ***.
7:42pm

X
I dont know who *** is
So iam sure *** meant u
7:42pm

Alf
***'s assitant
I'm pretty sure *** wouldn't make that error
7:42pm

X
well i dono why he said that then...
well are u going then?
7:43pm

Alf
No, i don't think so
7:43pm

X
oh..
7:44pm

Alf
Yeah, not a big "Feeling and action" guy.
More methodical here.
7:44pm

X
feeling and action?
7:44pm

Alf
But i appreciate you wanting to include me.
7:45pm

X
hehe, its good stuff. i can't imagine how anyone wouldnt want to go
but then again, u donno what it is lol
7:45pm

Alf
Ah, well. We all have our journeys to make.
7:47pm

X
ya
7:47pm

Alf
Not big into joint discovery. Bit of loner, finding my own way coming to conclusions etc.
7:49pm

X
i see. that is alright. we are who we are and that is what i love about it, it allows me to have my own experience. u can say its a joint, but its like doing yoga, i am with other people but i am working on my own pace and weakness
7:51pm

Alf
Yeah, I'm constantly working on myself just not in a group, not in front of others, accountable only to myself.
7:53pm

X
ya u didnt seem like u were comfortable with certain things being shown in public last time we hang out. i am just curious how do you do what you do being a reserved individual
7:53pm

Alf
I don't think anyone I know would call me reserved.
As for finding my own answers, yesterday I came to the conclusion that REDACTED
7:55pm

X
and u just came to this conclusion yesterday?
how would it be like if u had conclusions like that x100 within 5 days
7:57pm

Alf
It would bel like taking a life shortcut. I do not believe in shortcuts. I think discovering things on your own prepares you for the next step.
It would be like shooting a movie before writing a script
or writing a script before you have a story
7:58pm

X
I think you are midunderstanding something Alf
7:59pm

Alf
Explain.
7:59pm

X
This process is not someone telling you how to live your life or giving you answers. because we are the ONLY one who can answer ourselves
this is a designed experience that you will go through and have a professional coach evoke your answers
its through living and quetioning we learn and grow
and someone genius enough to design something like that
8:00pm

Alf
Why can't life just show me the answers as i go along? Need I pay a coach?
8:00pm

X
no u dont need to
8:01pm

Alf
So i could get the same answers just by living a gentle life.
8:01pm

X
but i wanted to learn faster, i wanted to be free from confusion faster, not waiting till i am 50 making many many mistakes and then realize
there is a beauty to that, but we are human and we wil make mistakes no matter what
8:03pm

X
i want to be able to love and liv the way i want to
8:03pm

Alf
I don't feel confusion though, and i very much live the way I want.
I could stand to make more money, but i am on track with where i thought i'd be.
8:03pm

X
well like i said its like yoga, people are at different lvl, of course u r much wiser than i am
8:06pm

Alf
Well, if you say so. I lived most of my early life with REDACTED, and i am on equal footing to REDACTED. I am constantly overcoming obstacles and enjoying myself tremendously while doing it.
8:06pm

X
then why r u so resistant toward something so beautiful that is design for powerful people like yourself?
8:08pm


Alf
Is anyone ever rejected from @@@@?
8:08pm

X
there are people who walked out in the middle of the training
and i know there was one lady was asked to leave
8:09pm

Alf
No, i mean when they come to you.
Is there anyone who you could look at and say "You are ok. You don't need this".
8:10pm

X
hehehe. are you thinking that i think you need this????
i would never tell anybody it is ok for you to not get an education.
this is a training i personally think should have been given when we were in high school
8:11pm

Alf
What sort of training would you say this is?
8:15pm

X
simply put, this is a very basic life training that made me aware of myself and gave me tools, so i would know exactly when to use them and be more effective, more efficient in every aspect of my life
i dont think i would realize many things that i realized during the training in any other situation another 5-10 yrs or maybe ever
8:23pm

Alf
I get it, but i don't feel that something that applies to everyone can be tailor made for me. Mine has been a singular journey. Though i believe in the inherency of the human experience, i believe in the wide scope of that experience. We are all singing the same song, just using different instruments.
8:23pm

X
hav you always been this arrogant?
8:24pm

Alf
No, only with salesmen.
8:24pm

HERE I DIDN”T SAVE ON TIME, BUT WE GLOSSED OVER THE TENSION. SOME EVANGELICALS USE THE WORD ARROGANT WHEN YOU USE LOGIC AGAINST THEM, AND I WAS LIVID. BUT SHE IS CUTE, SO I PRESSED ON. THE GIST OF IT WENT “REMEMBER THANKSGIVING?” (WHEN WE MET), THEN SHE SAID “I REMEMBER YOU STOLE SOMETHING FROM ME” (A SLIGHT KISS)

Alf
You want it back?
8:34pm

X
i never take my gift back
8:35pm

Alf
Wait, was it a gift or did I steal it?
5:35pm

X
u stole it first, then i gave it away
8:36pm

Alf
*** told me you only date guys who are on the program.
8:36pm

X
hahaaha
he is funny
8:37

Alf
Aha!
8:38pm

X
aha what
8:38pm

Alf
So you date guys outside of ****?
8:39pm

X
of course, **** doesnt represent men who are up to my standards
8:39pm

Alf
Oh, mercy!
I would LOVE to lower your standards for you.
8:40pm

X
hehehe
my standards arent that high, they are just specific
8:40pm

Alf
Do your standards involve ironic mustaches and bourbon?
8:41pm

X
my standards definetly includ being open to beautiful experiences
and trusting
8:41pm

Alf
Now THAT's something I can offer.
8:41pm

X
really
can i sign u up for this amazing experience then
8:42pm

HERE'S A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT. I MISREAD WHAT SHE WROTE AND THOUGHT SHE SAID "CAN YOU SIGN ME UP FOR THIS AMAZING EXPERIENCE?". SO FOR ONE MAGICAL MOMENT WE BOTH FEEL WE ARE GETTING WHAT WE WANT.

Alf
Hm...
Let, me see...
8:42pm

X
alright
think about it
8:42pm

Alf
We have a seminar on the 13th.
8:42pm

X
the next one is not till march
8:42pm

Alf
Friday the 13th
8:42pm

X
u have one month to think about
8:43pm

Alf
No no
8:43pm

X
what lol
8:43pm

Alf
I was asking you out on a date. On the 13th, except i was being clever by calling it a "Seminar"
8:43pm

X
LOL
friday?
8:43pm

Alf
Yeah, a week from today.
8:44pm

X
ok
but under one condition
8:44pm

Alf
Awesome.
Not if that condition involves ****
You have to go because you like me.
Not because you want me to do something.
8:45pm

X
do i look like someone with such a low self respect?
besides what is in it for me, i dont get anything by having u go
8:46pm

Alf
So what condition would you put on it?
8:46pm

X
that u will be open and seriously consider this experience of life
8:49pm

X
and i cant say i like you, i am curious about you is that ok for a date
8:50pm

Alf
Well, do you make out with guys you are curious about?
8:51pm

X
no
lol
8:51pm

Alf
I think that's your answer right there, then.
8:51pm

X
do u alway expect to make out with ur date on the first nite?
8:52pm

Alf
I allow for the possibility.
8:53pm

X
oh well, dear. thank you for allowing me expressing this awesome experience i just went through
but i got to leave now.
8:53pm

Alf
No problem.
8:54pm

X
my friend is having a play tonight
have a good weekend
8:54pm

Alf
Ah, what play?
8:54pm

X
i am not sure. its in pasadena city college
8:54pm

Alf
hah! You are a good friend.
Enjoy your play and your weekend.
8:55pm

X
of course. thank you
8:55pm

http://www.sadtrombone.com/

Mr Fry, Electroboy and Me

Before my career in Talent Management would lead me to exalted heights, there was a time where my days were filled with the uneasy state of unemployment. For anyone, this time can be confusing and stressful. For a depressive it can be absolutely devastating. It was during this frantic job hunt that I had a chance to meet Andy Behrman, who my friend Ben Weiss had identified as "Someone who you would definitely get along with" and who needed an assistant at the time. Hilariously enough, he was right. Andy and I met for breakfast at Nate and Al's one morning and hit it off like gangbusters. Kindred spirits of sorts, and assuredly not someone I should work with. To quote Jack Nicholson in AS GOOD AS IT GETS, "Sell crazy somewhere else, we're all stocked up here."

The clip below features Mr. Fry and Andy discussing Andy's treatment and his subsequent moment of "It's going to be ok.", something that those living with mental health issues feel may never come until they are adequately diagnosed and treated.

Math

I wonder if I'd be any good at math now.
During HS, no amount of prodding and theorizing would get me to give a flying fart about Algebra or any other maths. The more advanced, the more insanely retarded it all felt. Now however, i've made my peace with mathematics and thanks to recent advances in Pharmaceuticals I can sit still long enough to do some basic calculations.

I've been known to do some jokey sort of stuff

Haha! Aren't I a jokey party animal?

Being recently singled and an elderly though immature 31, I found myself thinking what my shelf life was considering that the average age for a first marriage is 26.

With that in mind, and with the general creepiness rule of (Your age /2 + 7= Youngest possible age to date without getting creepy), i came to realize your dating pool actually grows as you get older. Considering that at age 31 you can date 23-46 year olds until you hit middle age of course.

Now you consider this in Los Angeles, where the ratio of unmarried women and men is about even and you add to that the colorful and numerous gays that inhabit our city, with a smaller lesbian population since they evidently prefer to live in Montana or Pasadena, add the fact that I have job in the industry and furniture, and we're looking at some pretty decent numbers.

However, if we add the fact that I have a blog and i tend to crunch statistics on getting laid in the LA basin and the physique of a manatee i must allow for a realistic view that I have a 50% chance of dying a very lonely death.

As I have faced the music and crunched the numbers of potential loneliness on this planet, so too, must certain people who will remain nameless . The worst thing to do, is to simply ignore the numbers.

Just ask my high school GPA.

Antiques Roadshow

Appraiser: Hmmm, you can tell by the veneer that what we have here is a late seventies midwest chick. Now these are fairly common, but where did you find this one?

Dude: I found it in Los Angeles

Appraiser: I was going to SAY California! You see these markings on her fingers, this means she's a writer. Which increases the value tremendously.

Dude:Oh, wow!

Appraiser: So how much do you think she's worth?

Dude: I dunno. Like A movie and Sushi?

Appraiser: I would appraise this at at least a trip to Hawaii, if not maybe to Europe too.

Dude: Oh WOW!

Appraiser: Yeah, don't let this one go for anything less than a model or someone really really hot and brilliant.

Dude: Thanks!

Appraiser: No, thank YOU.

HAWAII-EUROPE


Appraiser: So, can you tell me what we have here?

Chick: This guy was given to me by my friend who was dating one of his friends. And his friend was a writer and he's a manager. I never really had him appraised, but he's sort of fun to have around the house.

Appraiser: Ok, well what you have here is a 76' dude,. Now, you see a lot of these around, but what makes this one interesting is that he originated in Mexico. Now if you lift the glasses and ignore the circumcision you can tell he's definitely a Mexico model but then the issues are all classic US mountain States. See how he likes beer and farts?

Chick: Oh wow! I was wondering about that because yeah, he speaks really elegantly, but then makes fart sounds in the car.

Appraiser: Yeah, that's pretty standard to all males. What makes this one interesting are two things, can you tell me what they may be?

Chick: Well he's really immature.

Appraiser: Yes, and that's usually an issue, but check this out.. in his pocket there's a business card. He's got a job, which means that it's not a loss, and you were telling me you found him in LA?

Chick: Yeah, friend of a friend.

Appraiser: Ok, see well now that means he's in a creative field and could very easily make it big. I wouldn't move in just yet, but he's bound to gain value. The market for these has been in high demand, oddly enough.

Chick: I know! I've had friends asking me where I got him!

Appraiser: Yeah, keep him around for a little while and see where the market takes him. But for now i wouldn't go further than a road trip. Maybe at auction, you could get some jewelry and commitment.

Chick: Wow. Ok, I intoduced him to my parents. But that's good to know.

ROAD TRIP- COMMITMENT

Appraiser: Ok, can you tell us what you have here?

Dude: Well, I was at a garage sale, and I liked the look of this one so i picked her up, she looked a little down but i took her home and she cleaned up real nice, and here we are.

Appraiser: Well, i have to tell you we spotted you from across the room, and what you have here is a 70's Santa Barbara hottie in mint condition.

Dude: Really?

Appraiser: Yes. now i don't know if you're familiar with the 805, but in the late nineties many of these self destructed.

Dude: Yeah, I had heard something about that.

Appraiser: I have to say, I went over to my colleagues at the table and none of us has ever seen one of these in such good condition. Where did you find her?

Dude: At a garage sale in Los Angeles.

Appraiser: Well, there's some deeply rooted issues that came standard with this model, but the fact that she's been sitting in someone's cupboard makes this a pretty exceptional find. How much do you think she's worth?

Dude: Well, i was going to take her to the Geisha House, maybe jean shopping.

Appraiser: This one's a keeper.

Dude: A keeper?

Appraiser: Yes, we all agreed you need to hold on to this. What you have is a national treasure.

Dude: Wow! ..I need to sit down.


KEEPER

Charlie and Me

Some of my earliest and happiest childhood memories were of me and my grandfather going to the movies. Sometimes I'd drag my grandfather to see a movie of my choice, other times he'd find something and take me to it. Most famously i dragged my Grandpa and my Great Grandma, who was 90 at the time, to see THE DARK CRYSTAL. It was the last movie my great grandma ever saw, and I've always felt that was a victory for me.

Regardless my grandpa was a smart enough man to know that some things are timeless. He took me to see Bond Movies, and all sorts of war movies (Is BREAKER MORANT really appropriate for a 6 year old?) . However, the most lasting impressions for me were made by Charlie Chaplin, and Laurel & Hardy movies. To this day, my mother insists i walk like a duck because of my continuous impersonations of Charlie Chaplin. Now, as an adult with his own bowler and cane, and with all the Chaplin DVDs I could get a hold of, I'm happy to say that I've found the full length versions of some of Chaplin's most brilliant films, and some hilarious shorts online.

Explore for yourself if you like, but allow me some recommendations:

THE CURE

Before the famous character of the little tramp ever came to be, Charlie was making audiences roar with his hilarious stage act as a drunk. It was here where he was discovered, and in THE CURE we see precisely why Charlie was, according to Mack Sennet "The funniest stage drunk I'd ever seen"

Part 1

Part 2


The Gold Rush
This is the rerelease from 1942 where unfortunately Chaplin's own narration takes away from the original. Even then, it is a brilliant piece to watch. Look for the forks in the potatoes scene, made famous again by Johnnt Depp in BENNY AND JOON



The Kid
Beautiful, Hilarious, sentimental, and so very very of its time. It's nearly a textbook for depression era politics and issues.

Go Tell Momma!

In case you were not aware, I have decided to throw my full support behind the campaign of Barack Obama. To that extent I would like to warn my firends and neighbors that the House on Orange will be housing an extra roommate in Feburary.

An Obama staffer will be sleeping on our couch for the duration of the campaign in California.

He or she will feel very welcome no doubt, on our cozy couch.

Furthermore, yours truly will be working in Las Vegas in 2 weeks supporting team Barry during the Nevada Primaries.

I am very serious about the sort of change needed during this election, and I feel Senator Obama is the only one offering it. Join our movement, and enjoy the clip.

A history of canines.

My dental history reads like a Russian Novel. Hundreds of characters hurtling towards eventual ruin, and not a happy moment in sight.

For starters, my teeth are retarded.
It seems that my canines (The pointy meat-eating teeth in the front), never came in. They just didn't. Where my canines SHOULD have been, there was a gap. So my parents, being the sort who care babout their children, decided to enter me into a journey of Braces, Retainers, Headgear, Veneers, and endless other dental procedures, in order to make me look presentable. To that end I've aided them by losing about 30 retainers in various fast food trash cans, breaking braces in the middle of european vacations, refusing headgear, breaking teeth, losing teeth, etc. Never knowing that they were all the while planning their revenge. It seems that the doctors and my parents plotted in my young days to "Fix" my teeth by pushing back teeth forward, and sharpening baby teeth to look like canines. An aesthetically reasonable decision that came with a caveat.
"Eventually, the baby teeth will rot off. Then we can just put some crowns in and all will be well."

Ah "eventually", may you be far in the future.

Well, time passed and the much feared Wisdom teeth were complete No-Shows, proving ample speculative fodder to jokes regarding my posession of widom.

One day about 2.5 yrs ago, while noshing on a particularly uncooperative frozen banana, "Eventually" chipped my left front baby/faux canine. Not a big chip, and certainly one I chose to ignore.

Eventually, maybe about a year ago, darkness descended on my toof. ("TOOF" is a bad tooth, in the Alf lexicon)
I was faced with the horrible reality that I should probably figure that shit out. So I made a decision to go see a Dentist, as I chewed on the ice from my drink, i felt my molar go. Awwwcrap! now i had 2 repairs. but the Molar hurt. Bad
there was something exposed there. I went to the DDS. He says "We need to fix that molar". I get it fixed to the tune of a cool K, straight out of my pocket. "Now, about your canine. We need to see a specialist, who will fit you with a new tooth."

I $ee.

"It'll involve some slight jaw surgery that i can't do here, but i have a great guy"

Yeah.

So a year later, here i am. My toof doesn't hurt, its not too black, but there it is. Its almost a tribute to my inability to get all my shit together. Every time i flash a smile I'm reminding people "It's ok, but I don't have dental insurance"

I sot of like it. It's extra sharp, almost weapon like. I gnawed on my old phone with it, and the marks were sweet. Moreover it makes me imperfect in a town where that's considered somewhat unique. I also consider it a visual reminder of how much better i need to be doing. Every morning, i wae up, smile, brush my teeth and gently remind myself. "Today, you will get people jobs. Today, you move one step closer to dental insurance."

Not much of a post, i know. But i was feeling self-concious about the toof on Saturday, and felt i should explain myself.

That's all.

Bring on, Bill-O!

After years of avoiding Al Franken, Keith Olbermann and a slew of intelligent people who could put him in his place, and who have had enough of his boorish and irresponsible style of "Journalism" on Fixed News, Bill Orally has finally met his match.

Check it out at the Huffington Post

A reminder.

To all of you who are bitching about how difficult I am, to those of you who take for granted the fucking fantastic shit i bring to your lives, to those of you who wonder "Why do I even hang out with him?".
Fuck you.

This is why:



Yeah it may be frustrating, but you know that no matter how shitty things get, and how crazy i may be, I'll never let this happen to either of us. So quit your bitching, and get on board.

Alf and Danielle save America

With a special cameo by Christian.

Flibbidy Floo

I did something kind of crazy today.

I helped an old lady cross the street. I was crossing Wilshire on what may be the cuntiest intersection in LA, Wilshire and Beverly Drive. With Endeavour, Paradigm, Gersh, and a gazillion management and production companies, along with Banks, upscale boutiques, Neiman Marcus, Barneys and all the natural assholes bred by SUV and BMW ownership. You may argue that along this intersection you find some of the most self centered bits of humanity in a town already laden with Sapien-guano. I was at the crosswalk at the intersection of Asshole and Cellphone, and this lady with a cane is less than halfway across when the light began to flash. I walked by her at first, and then i looked around and saw all the botox and Hummers, and made the decision to go back. The light turned green, and i stared down everyone at the intersection and everyone stopped. For a moment, everyone felt like a fucking Norman Rockwell painting in the middle of Beverly Hills. It was nuts! She was thankful and i felt like a friggin hero, and everyone around was geberally pleased. But i wonder, how much and how often do we even notice old old people? Especially here in LA? I mean this town is obsessed by youth. I saw these videos, and instead of getting pissed at the old people, i was kind of agreeing. Am I getting old? Or are kids these days an interesting mixture of retardation and selfishness that we haven't seen before?

Vice becomes Renaissance

Both of the loyal readers of this blog may have noticed some not so subtle changes to the look of the ol' page. Gone is the flying pig of yesterblog, replaced with a much more contemplative and i hope, meaningful pilfered image. The old line about "swagger and emmys" is also gone, replaced with an Alforism (1) of meaningless depth that nonetheless holds truth for liars and intellectual thieves like me. YES, this blog entry does have footnotes, so fucking deal. The sidebar too, contains some interesting additions including a Barack Obama link for those of you who are realistic enough to know that he won't win the nomination, but ideallistic enough to believe he should, and a link to the world of dorky wonders that is DIGG. I've also done something almost unthinkable in days past and included a quote by Hoffstadter who i have always considered the Christopher Hitchens of his day (Correct, but kind of a dick).

"Why?" i can hear the ADD afflicted begin to holler internally. Fingers twitching at the mouse, ready to check out the Swedish chick who yarfed on YOU TUBE. Friends, i am experienceing one of those moments where i feel i have rediscovered my basic me-ness. Often i get mired in self-loathing (2) and indulgent mopiness about career and life, and forget what a great gift it is to be me, here and now.

I have many people to thank for this, but the whole damn thing can be traced to three things.



My friend Amanda Barnes and her superb musical taste.

I can't begin to express how fantastic it is to be friends with someone who is not a pain in the ass about being a musical genius. Mere mortals (Myself included) are rather retarded when it comes to music. When they discover something , they become covetous and snotty. Keeping their new musical finds to themselves, trying to one-up each other in obscurity and devoting themselves to a band who may or may not be a flash in the pan, or worse a big hit. Immediately I think of the pain in the ass Radiohead and Dave Matthews fans. Remember Dave matthews? Yeah, he had some sucky college band that stoners and frat boys thought was deeply musical when it was in fact, only incessant. Radiohead? Oh yeah! You take something that sounds like a computer belching, and add to it a whiny and misanthropic fetus, and again use the ol' Greatful Dead/ Phish technique of making your songs enternal, and you get a slightly more snobbish group of self congratulating stoners and former frat-types.

What makes Mandy so absolutely brilliant is her ability to find the ONE. There are sucky bands out there who by the grace of god manage to fart out one song that epitomizes a moment in time (3). Mandy will find them, fuck them (Musically of course, not literally) and not call back the next day. Musical one night stands. On the other hand, she can recognize musicality. You know, complex chord progressions and shit we don't understand but gives us goosebumps. Like a timpany in the middle of an orchestral swell, or a choral peice during a particularly bad/good moment. Mix this with the ability to visually connect the possible longevity of a band, and you have a music machine (4). In my world, these people are called either misanthropes, because they live lonely lives filled with new dicoveries and lack the skills to share them, or Record executives who aren't people in the strictest sense of the word. When you have such a person and they happen to be a wonderful and devoted long-time friend with some basic people skills, you thank the universe for it, beg for mixes and suggestions, and pray to god you don't fuck it up. More than ever my life is full of fun, creative sounds that aren't brutalized by mass taste, electronic enhancement, or kitsch, and I have Amanda Barnes to thank for continually pointing me in the right direction.



VICE MAGAZINE

Disgusting, wrong, snobby, filthy, sexy, deviant, no concept of advanced algebra. No, i'm not quoting my high school teachers, I'm referring to my new online guilty pleasure. Oddly enough, i have found a friend in a magazine that dwells on some of the beautifully grotesque and harsh moments in life. The closest i've read in any sort of Hip-Lit to a reality that i enjoy, this may be the only widely read lifestyle mag that i look forward to, like all the girls i wanted to fuck in high school looked forward to teen beat, and people magazine. I swear, looking at the Afghani opium trade and sweaty chicks in 80's clothes makes me remember life's worth living, and keeps me from snapping an Actor's Demo DVD and using it as a shiv on the rest of Beverly Hills.


MY PAD

Yeah i have an awesome pad. I own a bar, my room is sweet, i have adult fucking furniture, and three 8 foot Oudry paintings that will adorn my far wall. You know what? After moving from shithole to shithole all around LA, living with a cunty girlfriend and innumerable roomates with fucking issues about how i shouldn't piss in the bathtub, or leave my underwear in the living room, i finally have a place that they all wish they had the taste to adorn, the money to afford and the fuckwithal to trash and clean at their leisure.

In short, my life rules, and my blog will shows it.


1. An Alforism (literally distinction or definition, from Greek αφοριζειν "to define") expresses a general truth in a pithy sentence repeated by Alf because he finds himself clever.

2. When I draw comparisons to Hunter Thompson (See Blog Postings Feb. 2005)

3.THE BLOW,THE MOUNTAIN GOATS, MIKA

4. CLAP YOUR HANDS SAY YEAH, LILY ALLEN