When i was a wee bairn in the bonnie hills of Pedregal in Mexico City, I was exposed to my first television shows. This being Mexico and pre-cable, I found myself being exposed to the odd mish-mash of programming that the Mexican network execs passed off for programming. There was Odisea Burbujas (Bubble Odyssey) an oddly educational show involving Frog, Lizard, Mouse and Bee Furries who are led across the stars by a red-headed "Professor". Bizzare, yes? Certainly reminiscent of H.R Puffnstuff. There was Disney's world of Color "De Colores", and of course classic American shows like Dukes of Hazzard, Hawaii 5-0, and the Love Boat. All of which were dubbed in Spanish by the same 5 actors who I think are still doing it. It was weird having Captain Stubing have the same voice as Roscoe P. Coltrane, but you're a kid and you go with it.
However, there was one show that blew my infant mind. An Aussie import based on the same insanity that made Flipper and Lassie such hits, but with a certain Outback/Colony feel to it that made it absolutely mesmerizing. The name of the show was SKIPPY THE BUSH KANGAROO. Basically, the premise is that in an desolate Ranger station in the outback a child with no friends ends up making friends with a genius Kangaroo that communicates with clicks. Not only this, but Skippy had bizzare animal friends like an Emu, and a Wombat who would not only help her (Yes, like Lassie) rescue people in the outback, but would even seek out and apprehend criminals. I KNOW! Your mind is blown.
When we moved to the US in 84, I was absolutely thrilled at American Teevee. Yes, there was already cable in Mexico at the time. I was getting all the latest BETA movies from my dad, grandparents and anyone who stepped foot in the US, along with Happy Meals, Legos and Star Wars toys none of which were available in Mexico at the time (I was as far as I know, the first kid in Mexico to have The Ewok Village). Nothing, could have prepared me for the magical panoply that was Saturday Morning Cartoons. The littles, The Smurfs, The Biskitts (Essentialy Dog-Smurfs), Go Bots, etc. ad nauseum.
Something was amiss, however. No Skippy. Furthermore, whenever i tried to explain Skippy to my Elementary School peers, I was met with the sort of worldly and embracing attitude that can be expected from second graders in Colorado Springs, as they are being told of a Rescue-Kangaroo by the first Mexican they've ever encountered. Needless to say I dropped Skippy, and adopted the more socially acceptable GIJoe and Transformers. However, in my heart lay a dormant Kangaroo named Skippy.
Fast forward to 2005. I am working at Paradigm Talent Agency, and an Agent (Frank Balkin) is talking to me about TeeVee shows. Out of nowhere, jumps this fantastical tale of Skippy The Bush Kangaroo, and wouldn't you know it, the Internets has arrived. After that magical moment, where for the first time I was able to share Skippy with my co-workers I have waited for the audience and the clip that would encapsulate the entire Skippy experience.
Friends, you are the audience. And here is the clip:
More, you say?
The theme.
The theme as rocked out by a rock band named the Bush Rangers, who dress as the Kelly Gang. Frankly, I almost pooped. Skippy plays the drums.
This year marks the twenty ninth anniversary of George Lucas' epic disaster THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL.
It was broadcast in its entirety in the United States only once on Friday, November 17, 1978 on CBS-TV from 8:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. Though Lucas claims not to have been involved, and not pleased with the end result. He was later responsible for Jar Jar, The Ewoks, and 2 Ewok Movies. You be the Judge.
The film is sprinkled with Cameos, including (Embarassingly enough) most of the leads from the original feature.
Mark Hamill- Luke Skywalker Harrison Ford- Han Solo Carrie Fishe-r Princess Leia Organa Anthony Daniels- C-3PO Kenny Baker- R2-D2 Peter Mayhew- Chewbacca James Earl Jones- Darth Vader (voice) Bea Arthur - Ackmena Art Carney -Trader Saun Dann Diahann Carroll - Mermeia Holographic Wow Jefferson Starship Harvey Korman- Krelman/Chef Gormaanda/Amorphian instructor
Art Carney and Harvey Korman are the only two that seem to understand what a fucked-up piece of bantha shit this whole thing is, and their odd little comedy bits make it almost watchable. Almost. I'm not sure what happened with casting on this, but the Imeprial guards sportin' the stache and the oddly gesticulating Imperial officers make me think no one involved had ever seen Satr Wars. Bea Aruthr's Cantina song and dance routine is one of TV's biggest WTF moments, though Greedo proves to be no Gene Kelly. I had to pause it just to keep the bile down my throat. Incredibly, Carrie Fisher's song at the end makes the whole mess SO worthwhile, but only if you've suffered the entirety of the nearly 2 hr horror. Also of note, is the super seventies animated short that introduces Boba Fett to the world, conveniently located between hr 1 and hr 2.
The Star Wars Holiday Fiasco does not end with the TV horrors. A mostly unbearable Holiday album entitled CHRISTMAS IN THE STARS also made it onto store shelves. With hits like :
THE ODDS AGAINST CHRISTMAS WHAT DO YOU GET A WOOKIE FOR CHRISTMAS? (IF HE ALREADY OWNS A COMB) **Available on LP BELLS BELLS BELLS
You can sample an audio taste of the acoustically unnerving hell HERE
My younger brother and I argue about things. Many things, in fact. Often meaningless things, that no one could possibly care about. Last night, my brother paraded a historical theory around our living room as if it were fact. I assaulted his theory as being a fringe theory, and he cited the History Channel as proof positive of its mainstreaminess. I pointed out the following History Channel presentation as proof that sometimes the ol' HC will present lunatic fringe theories to drum up viewers:
" A controversial scientific theory states that gigantic eruptions of methane gas from deep in the ocean have occurred regularly throughout history. Although a global-scale methane eruption today is highly unlikely, there may be stagnant, oxygen-poor basins in the ocean where methane might accumulate. Even a small explosion could cause a catastrophe. Imagine what would happen if such an event occurred in the mid-Pacific. Tsunamis would be generated in continuous waves, striking Hawaii and the entire West Coast. Coastal areas would be flooded for miles inland. Methane/water clouds would auto-ignite and the massive fires could cause widespread destruction. Consequences could be global. Whatever humanity survives would be thrown into a Dark Age."
Holy crap! Ruuun! Methane? Noooo!
But the fact is, anyone with an IQ higher than a dung beetle's (I always end up regretting these sort of comments, because inevitably someone with a dung beetle IQ always turns up). can realize that an Earth Fart is a highly unlikely exctinction level event. I think its self evident that the History Channel, like any network has realized the sort of things that bring in viewers. In fact the following Words in any combination seems to make up the entire lineup fr the History Channel:
Bible Disasters! Hitler and Nostardamus! Bible Secrets of Hitler! Ultra UFO Disasters! Da Vinci and The Mega Bible!
There was an actual show, not even remotely embarassed to be called Da Vinci: The Code he lived by
I suppose its an in depth view at Rennaisance drunkeness and Buggery. But we take these silly programming gimmicks with a grain of salt. Most of us can understand that when BATTLES OF THE BIBLE comes on and they are the only ones to have ever represented Exodus as a Military Diversionary tactic, that perhaps its simply highlighting one of the many theories about the historical facts of יציאת מצרים and that the reality must lie somewhere within all of these and maybe not within any. The problem with exodus from a historical sense is that we are trying to support a story as we find facts, and those facts don't always support the story. But i won't get into the facts and fairy tales of the bible. Maybe my brother had his Moseses Mixed up.
"You can pry these commandments from my cold, dead hands"
What's truly disturbing is the weird list of words that has influenced programming on the History Channel. All of those words seem to havean air of the supernatural. I think i've made it abundantly clear how i feel about the "supernatural", but the wide interest in the "unexplained" has become something of an alarm for those of us who consider ourselves fans of rational thought, skepticism, and the scientific method. I can see all my exes rolling their eyes in unison. The fact however, cannot be denied.
Business is booming for charlatans who offer easy answers to difficult questions, and i knew it was only a matter of time before this litigous fuckwad dared reappear.
Uri Geller
How? What? I thought this guy had been tossed out as a fraud years ago. Now, Criss Angel (Or however you magickally spell his name) is involving himself with this fraud, by hosting a contest called PHENOMENON . Why would a talented Magician/ Illusionist like Criss Angell pair himself up with someone who claims to have psychic powers and preys on the weak and emotionally needy? What's worse! Someone who has been exposed as a fraud over and over!
Well, for starters Criss Angel is a whore.
A man doesn't wear faux fur and Mr. T cum argent, unless he has a douchey persona he needs to maintain. Its incredible that anyone outdouched David Blaine, but there it is.
So Criss Angel has specifically chosen to align himself with a revealed fraud and choose the next "Mentalist" Now, what the fuck is a "mentalist"?
Wiki sez:
"The term mentalist refers to entertainers whose performance appears to be based on "psychic" abilities, featuring the ability to read minds, project the mind to alter the state of matter, foretell the future, and see distant and hidden objects. This branch of magic is referred to as "mentalism." There are analogues in the field of parapsychology, where a mentalist is defined as someone who is believed to read thoughts and place suggestions in people's minds. While a psychic may claim to observe a hidden spiritual reality and report on it, in a process known as "psychic reading," a mentalist might claim the ability to manipulate and change that reality. The stage mentalist ostensibly mimics these supernatural behaviours by natural means."
Which means that with this show, Criss Angel has purposely chosen to blur the line between magic and pseudo science. Claiming psychic abilities within his parlour tricks Ever-whore Angel smells money. He knows how much is to be made from psychic claims, and as he descends down this very slippery slope, who knows what people he may take with him?
Magicians like Houdini, Penn and Teller, and most significantly James"The Amazing" Randi have fought for many years to expose fraud in the claims of Psychic abilities. In fact, it has been something of a Magician's code of honor to expose these buffoons for what they are. Unfortunately, NBC has joined the History Channel in this disconcerting trend of feeding on people's worst tendencies.
The intellectual laziness, and seditary lifestyle of the US poses the biggest threat to our way of life to date. Its not some imagined terrorist threat, or the collapse of family values, but rather the need for quick answers and simple solutions that threatens us, and when you watch ANY (cough) of these "Psychic' or "Mentalist" shows, or watch Discovery or the History Channel and fail to use healthy skepticism, you may find yourself parading hack theories to your friends, or worse being unable to differentiate between Psychic Frauds and Magicians.
If it can happen to my brother who is somewhat well rounded and a realtively healthy skeptic, it can happen to any intellectually lazy younger sibling.
For your viewing pleasure:
James Randi and Johnny Carson (Who was a magician early in his career) Expose Uri Geller as a fraud on live TV.
We all know that the whoriest of the golden girls was Blanche, right?
Then the second whoriest was probably Sofia, who was always talking about getting dicked by the river in the old country. Just what she meant by "old country" is anybody's guess. Then came Dorothy and her 12 " strap-on, and finally cute little Rose. Who was so innocent, she barely could tell in what hole to take it.
Right?
Riiiight?
Riiiiiiiight?
WRONG!
Betty White was a whorish harlot! Which makes me love her even more.
Last night, the known universe choked, as the clock wound down for the HBO series THE SOPRANOS.
The crew I was with shouted "bloody murder!" at the blackout scene where to everyone's dismay, no one died, and life went on as usual for the Soprano clan.
My brother and I discussed this anticlimax on the way home, and while he obsessed about the sexual aspects of the Sopranos (He was left particularly breathless by the FBI agent's hairy chest)I realized i rather enjoyed the end. Who needs things to end bloodily and with manic carnage? My friend Will described the Drama and the family aspects of the Sopranos as the "Meat and Potatoes". I sort of revelled in the game they played as the clock ran down, and when the end came I took a huge amount of satisfactions at the grunts and hollers from everyone around me, and then of course the inevitable backlash. People flooded the HBO website untill it crashed, people cancelled their subscriptions to HBO, angry message boards, etc. etc.
It seems this country is so obsessed with the immediate gratification of a tidy and violent ending, that they convulse at having to think about things. The "Outrage" over Paris Hilton is another example of how people would rather yell, than be forced to think. As the Simpsons movie looms in the horizon i wonder if the obviously weary creators aren't doomed to a similar backlash but with the beloved yellow family. Unfortunately for the Simpsons, the end will not come soon enough. The Sopranos should have ended before Chris and AJ became Film people. Would anyone have complained if the season where Adrianna gets offed were the last one? Instead the same public that demanded more and more of the same, becomes wildly enraged when the creators of the show, decided that the end should be the same as a regular episode.
**Available on LP
