Friday, December 16, 2005

The War on Christmas

big-presentWhat the hell is wrong with "Christians"? By "Christians" I don't mean the lovely people who take their religion seriously and to themselves. I mean the idiots who insist of force feeding their version of Christianity on everyone else. As is my custom, I have taken the time to dissect the Holiday that we all celebrate, and see why the evangelists were all up in arms about "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". As you might have guessed, the root of the outrage is ignorant hipocrisy and good old fashioned retardation.

For starters, let's do a little thinking. I know, Leviticus 21:34 says "And yea, he that thought was smitten by a plague of boils in the naughty bits. For thinking displeases the lord, and giveth unto him a headache" . However, I think it's also Leviticus 33:10 that reads "Go not into the ocean's waters, lest you be wearing a feathered hat and be carrying a newt, for that is unclean.". So I'm pretty sure we can all agree to let Leviticus and his wacky antics be.

So why is "Happy Holidays" so wrong? Anyone? Yes, the retard in the back.

Ok, so the premise is. Hey! No giggling. The answer given to us by Fox News is that "Happy Holidays" ignorest the religious significance of the season.

Who said that? What? Kwanzaa? Hannukah? New Years? Those don't exist. The holiday season is ONLY Christmas, and retailers should not pay any attention to those Jews, Niggers, and Chinamen that try to say otherwise. Only people who love Jesus shop during the Christmas season.

Since we are being such fucking purists about making the Holiday Holy, let's address some other things you assholes should note about Christmas.

For starters, let's just say that Christmas is no big deal. At least religiously it isn't. The biggest, mightiest day of the year for Chrstianity is Easter. Christmas was barely celebrated untill the 1860's when Macy's started having Christmas sales and decorating their window displays with Christmas themes. Since then, christmas has become more and more important every year. Now we see that retailers make up to 70% of their yearly profits and miraculously (By the hand of Jesus, no doubt), the Christmas season has become THE holiday for American evangelicals.

Next, let's make sure your wretched offspring pray to ALL the Saints. As a Catholic I take great pride in the religious A-Team, known as "The Saints". I can claim a connection from Saint Francis, to Saint Bernadette. From Saint Vitus and Genesius to all the holy martyrs. But you freaky zealots deny the divinity of saints. Unless it's tied to shopping, and finance. Saint Patrick, saint Valentine, and Saint Nicholas, have proven to be consumer friendly and therefore thay are widely accepted by the heaten evangelical prods. Saint Nicholas Bishop of Myra was a minor saint who lived around 325 AD. The current gift-giving, jolly old elf is an interpretation of this Saint taken from the Netherlands, and given a commercial career by Coca-Cola during....the 1860's.

Finally, make sure you buy enough gifts for all twelve days of the "Cristes maesse". The religious observance and gift giving of Christmas extends THROUGH JANUARY 6. I know most of you think of it as once a year thing, but if you guys want to own it, then OWN it.

The list of hypocritical and adopted traditions that benefit the consumerist orgy of an American Christmas, is too long to list. It's amazing to me that the right would concentrate on opposing an inclusionist statement like "Happy Holidays" , a statement that says "Good will to all, and Peace on Earth regardless of who you are or what you celebrate". Christmas time is not the time when Jesus was born. Who knows when the exact date for that was? The early church chose this time of the year because of the universal feeling of renewal that comes at the end of a year. The birth of Christ SHOULD be connected with the birth of a New Year, the birth of hope and what is to come. That is universal and it makes the tale and life of Jesus all the more potent. The fathers of the church knew that. They knew that their message of hope had universal appeal, and so joined with all the peoples of the world in welcoming hope and love into the world as we all begin the next cycle of life. THAT is Christmas. That's what the season is all about, and i'll take my Happy Holidays over your version of Christmas any day.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

And god bless us EVERY-ONE.


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