Holy Family

Dammit.

A Papal Bull on the Da Vinci Code

I have a friend working at the Vatican Newspaper L'Osservatore Romano who's name I can't reveal, who has leaked to me a preview of the holy father's official statement on the Da Vinci Code.

For your learned consideration:

BULL Summis desiderantes, May 19th, 2006 Bullarium Romanum (Taurinensis editio), sub, anno 2006. Benedict, bishop, servant of the servants of God, Ad futuram rei memoriam.

To the flock of the Universal Holy Roman Apostolic church, blessings unto you all in the name of Christ and his glory everlasting,

We Benedict XVI issue the following Statement and Papal Bull on the matter of Sony’s release of the Da Vinci Code:

Mr. Dan Brown’s book sucked.

Looks like the movie is going to suck too.

Tom Hanks looks creepy.

Yeah we’ll probably see it too, but who wants to wait in line on opening weekend to get bored to bits? If enough people hate it, we might just wait till we can Netflix it, but then we keep pushing stuff on our queue down. We still haven't seen Crash, if you can beleive that. We just have to be in the right mindset for the heavy stuff.

Let’s leave the inability to differentiate fact from fiction to the Hillbillies and Protestants, and quit giving Sony free publicity.

After the movie opens and closes we’ll still be here, which is more than we can say for Dreamworks Animation. We mean, who opens the same week as DaVinci? We don’t care that it’s a kid’s movie, it’s gonna get buried. It’s a shame too, because Bill Shatner as a possum looks hilarious.


Much love,

Benny 16


Given in Rome, at St. Peter's in the year of Our Lord's incarnation 2006, on the nones of May, in the first year of our pontificate.

Little Known Facts About Superheroes

The comedian Mike Black, is possibly the single most talented and original human I've ever met. Had the pleasure of stumbling into this post on his MySpace Blog.





Friday, May 12, 2006


Things You Might Not Know About Superheroes.

The following are facts that the average joe might not be aware of about various comic book super heroes. These are not jokes and I made none of them up but I use the word "facts" loosely because they are culled from fictional events that happened to fictional characters in the regular continuity of the monthly magazines they were featured in. If you find these amusing, by all means go to your local comic book shop where you can "read more about it!" Enjoy...

Daredevil- Is what I would call Extra Deluxe Catholic. With the name Mathew Michael Murdock you'd almost have to be Catholic but it's the fact that his mother is a Nun that puts him firmly in the Extra Deluxe category.

Iron Man- Is a friend of Bill W. Yep, though his hi-tech armor can be powered by anything from Ion batteries to solar energy, Tony Stark, the man beneath the helmet runs on Bourbon or Thunderbird or whatever you have in your liquor cabinet. He's also loosely based on Howard Hughes so don't be surprised if he locks himself a screening room and starts saving and cataloguing his urine.

Ant-Man/Giant Man- You'd think a guy who can make himself really small or really big at will would be the ideal husband, unfortunately he beats his wife. It's tragic, if only his wife The Wasp would learn to listen.

Batman- How paranoid is Batman? He has secret dossiers on all the other super heroes that give detailed accounts of their weaknesses and what he would do to take them down if they ever went crazy. He also launched a spy satellite to keep track of all super powered people on the planet. He's one of the good guys kids!

The Punisher- Once shot Wolverine in the junk and then in the face with a shotgun.

The Hulk- Not to be outdone by the Punisher ripped off the lower half of Wolverine's body and threw it to the other side of a mountain. The lesson here is if everyone knows you have a mutant healing ability they fight extra dirty.

Wolverine- is but one of his handles. He also goes by Logan, Weapon X, James Howlett and in the far east he's known as Patch because he wears a pirate patch over his eye. I forget why?

Batman- also has a few aliases. Bruce Wayne, John Smith, Sir Hemmingford Gray and Matches Malone because when he uses this gangster persona he usually has a wooden match sticking out from between his teeth.

Spider-Man- Had a clone of himself running around for thirty plus years and didn't know about it, a lot of fanboys wish I was making this whole plot line up to be funny.

Batgirl- is a top contender for suckiest life of a super hero. The first one endured "bad touches" from the Joker who also tortured her and shot her in the spine paralyzing her for life, oh and he did most of that in front of her dad (Commissioner Gordon) in an attempt to drive him crazy, he photographed the whole thing to taunt Batman as well. The current Batgirl was raised by her father to be the perfect assassin, therefore he taught her to communicate entirely through violence. She recently picked up some English as a second language to the language of the fist. The Joker probably won't be able to pull the same shit on this Batgirl.

The Joker- Beat Robin within an inch of his life with a crowbar in front of his mother (a pattern!) and then left them in a locked room with lots of dynamite. We the readers were then given a chance to vote via phone on whether Robin would live or die from this. In an overwhelming landslide I and other like minded individuals became the Joker's accomplices in the murder of Batman's sidekick.

Nick Fury Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.- routinely uses lifelike robotic doubles of himself to handle part of his work load.

Captain America- Had Polio before becoming Captain America, he also banged Ant Man's wife and beat the crap out of him after he found out he had been giving his wife the Ike Turner brand of lovin'. Now that's a patriot.

Mr.Fantastic- came up with the names for the entire Fantastic Four. "I'll be called Mr. Fantastic because I'm a genius and I can stretch, Ben you're a hideous creature that we rely on solely for brute strength so we'll call you The Thing. Ben? Why are you crying?"

Dr.Strange- used to be a surgeon and a dick. Then he broke his hands and now he delves into the dark arts to do battle with evil mystical forces as Earth's Sorcerer Supreme. Contrary to popular belief he has never set foot in Hot Topic nor has he read any of the Harry Potter books.

Silver Surfer- was known on his home planet as Norrin Rad and had a girlfriend named Shalla Ball. I'm guessing there were a lot of glowsticks on this planet.

Galactus- The Devourer of Worlds is only afraid of one thing, the Ultimate Nullifier which is smaller than an Ipod and is of course owned by Mr.Fantastic.

Spider-Man- His newest costume was designed by Tony "Iron-Man" Stark. Taking the crown from the original Robin as the gayest superhero costume ever.

Dr.Doom- Refers to himself in the third person. He's that evil.

Lex Luthor- Thinks everyone else is crazy for being so nuts about an alien that's virtually indestructible, can fly and shoot fire from his eyes.

Wonder Woman- had to snap a guys neck once because the guy was using telepathy to control that indestructable flying alien who can shoot fire from his eyes.

Superman-to be fair, died saving the planet more times than I can count.

Batman- answered the age old question of who would win in a fight between him and Superman once. He beat the crap out of the Last Son of Krypton and all it took was dozen heat seaking missiles, enough voltage to black out an entire city, a special suit of armor, an arrow with a special tip that explodes kryptonite dust (fired by his old pal The Green Arrow) and a lifetime of down and dirty asskicking experience. After handing Superman's ass to him he said "I want you to remember this when you're alone, in your darkest moments, remember who beat you." Batman then promptly faked a heart attack to avoid heat from the government. Honest.

Magneto- is a Polish Jew Mutant WWII concentration camp survivor who was played in a movie by a Homosexual. Nobody bitches to him about not feeling like they fit in...ever.

Ghost Rider-Has a power called the Penance Stare. This means if his eyes lock with yours you feel all the pain you've ever caused anyone in your life. If you fight him, you better have an amazing rack.

-Black Out™

Do you FEEL it?

Gore/Clinton 08'!!

Alfredo LaMont Jr.

Not many of you know this, but my grandad (Alfredo LaMont Jr.) is a very accomplished columnist. He is known for his style, etiquette, and wit.

His column, "Sin Maquillaje" or "Unmasked" has been a staple of Mexico's #1 newspaper (Excelsior)for over 50 years. The column is a Q & A style comun with single sentence question and a single sentence answer.

Here are some examples that I consider classic of my Grandpa.

1. Q: In a common and vulgar conversations, what word is used most often?
A: I daresay the word "Me" is most often heard.

2. Q: What Liquor do you consider indespensable at parties?
A: A High Ball (Whisky and Gingerale) was my immediate answer, but why would you limit yourself to one? Many liquors for many people and fruit juices for the cowards.

3. Q: Is it possible for an astronaut to give birth in space?
A: NASA seems to think so, though they've been unwilling to try.

4. Q: How many divisions are there in the world?
A: 193 Sovereign Nations, 61 Independent Territories,and 6 in dispute.

5. Q: What part of a woman's anatomy is most likely to reveal something about her character?
A: Her mouth,indubitably.

That's my Grandpa!
Any of you who have ever wondered where i get my oft snooty tone can kindly click on the excelsior icon above, and read more of my grandpa's stuff. In spanish.

Congrats to the Rat King!

Imagine

A while back I posted what was MUSICALLY a better version of this. Still, pretty good.

1st Amendment

My brother and I had an argument over last night's South Park episode. He feels it's offensive to Muslims for people to show Mohammed. I say it's offensive to right wing nut jobs to see Jesus pooping on an american flag and on George Bush.

The fact is, that my beliefs dictate tha both are fair game, and no amount of intimidation should suppress everyone's right to be a stupid and annoying as they please. To that extent I offer the following Images of Jesus and Mohhamed.

A few facts about NED LAMONT:

1. Ned is so cool, american flags follow him wherever he goes. And he acts like it's all normal and stuff. That's cool.


2. Ned knows its important to talk to Nerds, even though he's cooler than them. Ned understands that Nerds are people too.


3. Ned is so cool that all he has to do is Look at a dude and he'll throw his head back and surrender. Joe Leiberman won't even LOOK at Ned.


4. Chicks love Ned, and he's cool with that. He's even cool to old chicks, even though he's not into them.


5. Everyone in Connecticut wants to know how to be cool like Ned, but Ned won't say. THAT'S what makes him so cool.


6. Bubba goes to see Ned when he needs advice about chicks.


7. Hot chicks constantly surround Ned. Even his son is a hot chick.


If you don't vote for Ned, chicks really won't dig you, and you'll probably die alone.

A fury of collective nouns.

Ah what etymological bliss i've been basking in the last few days. The english language with all its nuance and complexity is not completely devoid of its absurdities, and collective nouns seem to be at the forefront of idiocy. It seems that collective nouns are the final frontier for wordsmiths. No real rules per se. Any two-bit slinger of prhrases can decide on a collective noun for any of the zillions of nouns out there, and it will be certified as completely valid by the men in robes that declare and certify such things. I recently read someone declaring that a group of Cathedrals or many cathedrals should be reffered to as a "Floon".

Example: In the mid 1200s europe saw a Floon of Cathedrals explode onto the scene.

What scene, and how a cathedral or even a "Floon" of them may explode onto it, is neither here nor there. The point here is that we have free reign over the lingua anglica, and by guff we should use it.

So in my excitement to engage in the race to name all collectives in the known universe, I started doing a bit of research. Oh mercy, can it get any more silly than some of these?

Baboons can come in a Tribe or a Flange, but a group of Apes is referred to as a Shrewdness.

Birds have a a veritable sub category of collectives:
congregation of birds
dissimulation of birds
flight of birds
flock of birds
volery of birds

Whereas Lizards have ony the word "Lounge" to describe an assembly.

A lounge of lizards...
Can we safely add a "Hump" of poodles to the list?

Animals are, of course the easy way to introduce the world of CN. A "Gaggle", a "Pod", a "School" a "Pride", and the famed "Murder" (Of crows)are all little nouns we revel in when we can use them, but oh to describe humanity and careers!

Shall we? (These are all legit)
A Wunch of Bankers
A Shuffle of Bureaucrats
A Thicket of Idiots

I find that one particularly apt, since often you have to cut through a thicket to get to your destination.

A Hangout of Nudists (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
A Ponder of Philosophers
An Ambush of Widows

Its very strange to me what a weird place in society the widow played in days gone by. Now of course the widow is sort of like an extreme divorcee, but not a group deserving the title "Ambush". I think an Ambush of Exes, is more a propos.

To that extent, I should wish to offer a few of my own invention for your learned consideration:

A Slick of Agents
A Bung of Producers
A Cathouse of Debutantes
A Sigh of Hipsters
A Mosh of Punks
A Tolkien of Nerds
An Ire of Girlfriends

The possibilities are endless, and so it seems is this post.
I've a Clode of Submissions to send to a Modwinkle of Casting Directors.

FRIDAY!

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Virginity Lost

I've always thought of Astrology as something I need to put up with. Regardless of how intelligent and interesting a woman is, she will undoubtedly turn the conversation at some point to the queer obsession that so many have of looking to the stars for control and answers. Being someone who is continually confronted by chaos of his own creation and of the universe, I am loathe to put the occurrences of mankind, and the personalities of folk in the stars. Nonehteless, I should be knowledgable or at least have SOMETHING to say about the whole mess, and usually i tell the eerie tale of how capricorns tend to enter my life, and stay for a good while. My brother Christian, my friends Barbra, Amanda, and Cara all have the same eerie birthday (Insert eerie music). But that's the extent of it. Then of course there's MY sign. Virgo.

Look, I'm not a Virgo. I wish i were, but seriously I'm not. Check this out:

Traditional
Virgo Traits

Modest and shy Ummmm...
Meticulous and reliable uh....
Practical and diligent ok, I'll give them that.
Intelligent and analytical And that.

But seriously, 50% is an "F"

There's more.

On the dark side....

Fussy and a worrier Yes. Ok, they have me there
Overcritical and harsh Guilty.

Perfectionist and conservative HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yeah, Astrology sucks.

OR DOES IT?

Poetry

pic_poetry
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
No. For sonnets I hear, are quite gay.

As in fact, is most poetry. I don’t mean “Gay” homosex, I mean “Gay”…well gay. My major issue with poetry is that too often it’s inflicted on the unsuspecting. If you were a teenager and experienced any sort of angst, then no doubt you dabbled in poetry. What of it? Have you reread your deep introspective words? Have you gone back to that mental state and cringed in horror at your pubescent self? Good god! Why must people continue the sophomoric practice of shoving their quatrains down other’s throats? I will admit to some exceptional poetry, masters who manage to paint pictures vividly enough as to inspire, but isn’t most poetry in its essence, absolute ass? Doesn’t adult poetry (Yeah, let’s just dismiss the ranting of children altogether and get to the meat of this) always reek of smugness and literate snobbery? I suppose more than poetry itself, I am opposed to the poet. In a moment of exuberance, we may all commit some rhyme to paper. However, it is the self- centered smug brute, under the guise of depth that erupts his babblings for the rest of us. In the end, reading other people’s poetry is like smelling their farts. You are glad they feel comfortable enough around you to release it, but wish they hadn’t anyway. Please keep it private.

Oh god, please let it be true!

A St. Pat's chat with my Irish pen-pal

Debs says:
what'll i get in for dinner tonite?

Alf says:
Corned beef and Cabbage

Alf says:
Shepherds Pie

Alf says:
A block of lard Covered in beans and "Sauce"

Alf says:
Irish Cuisine...mmmmm

Debs says:
ewwww

Debs says:
im thinking scrambled eggs

Debs says:
not in the mood for cooking

Debs says:
ok im going home

Debs says:
have a fun night

Debs says:
expecting lots of gossip tomorrow

Alf says:
Ok..

Alf says:
Hey!

Alf says:
Happy St. Pat's

Debs says:
haha yeah sure

Debs says:
celebrate it for me

Erin go Bragh!

Well, here we are again. Once more the Feast of Saint Patrick lands on us, and once more I do my bit to balyhoo the patron Saint of Ireland.

Now, many of you have guessed that there is not a scrap of Irish in me, yet I've feted this tiny Holiday to such an extent, that very often I'll receive calls from friends and family, who consider it MY holiday as much as anything else. Add to that, my longstanding support of Irish Republicanism, (Mick Collins Style, not Eamon Devalerra), and i'm sure the puzzlement grows.


Why would I adopt all this nonsense? Why is St. patrick's day and Ireland so important?

Many of you know, I am a bit of an Anglophile. TV, Film, Literature, Government, History, i love it all. Stiff upper lip, tally-ho, pip-pip, old-bean, etc. etc. I am as familiar with many aspects of British culture as I am American, and yet I will forever fault England in its treatment of the Irish.

In the Irish struggle, I have been forced to second guess Blighty, and all that I love about her. For all the civility England has displayed throughout its history, the treatment of the Irish, and in particular the belittlement of Catholics by the English for the last 800 years, serves as a constant reminder to me that even those things that I hold dear must be constantly reexamined. It brings me comfort to stand in solidarity, with my Catholic Brothers and Sisters, and go arm in arm with a people who were for a long time, very brutally oppressed.

I will forever love England, but I cherish the reminder, that even a great, progressive "civil" power, can be corrupt and unfair. In times like these, I think it's a lesson well remembered.


God Save Ireland, and Happy Saint Patrick's day to all!

Ides rather be fishing...

I know it's been almost a month since I posted. My apologies. We can say that Pilot Season has come and gone, and I am still alive and managing to keep afloat.

On this beautiful and sunny day, we all take a moment to cry out our literacy and recall Julius Ceasar, as he was stabbed to death in the Roman Senate, exactly 2050 years ago this very day. And what of it? Who gives a flying fart about some la-de-da Eye-Tai who lived so long ago, and wore a skirt? Well, take a deep breath... do it. I'm serious, just take a big breath, you'll thank me for it.

Look, this post is a lot more meaningful if you play along so humor me and breathe deep.

Didja?

Ok, I'll assume you did. Even if you didn't, as long as you haven't shuffled your mortal coil in the last few minutes, you have shared in Ceasar's final breath.

"Whaaa?" I can hear you all saying with googly eyes, and a slight annoyance, wondering where the deuce i'm going with this.

Here comes the Math:

The average breath contains around 10 to the 22nd molecules of air.

The approximate number of molecules in the atmosphere is about 10 to the 44th

Therefore: The molecules from Caesar's last breath have dispersed evenly through the atmosphere and their number has remained relatively constant.

I can hear the scoffing. Just consider this:

Caesar's breath molecules / Total air molecules

10 to the 22nd / 10 to the 44th

1 in 10 to the 22nd

You are saying,"That's a HUGE NUMBER, and Alf is an ass for drawing us through this for such a small chance that we just shared a breath with Julie C"

Ye of Little faith.

10 to the 22nd * 1/10 to the 22nd = 10 to the 22nd / 10 to the 22nd = 1

In fact, it is highly probable that you get one of Ceasar's final breath molecules in every breath you take.

Aha! What a roundabout and nearly meaningless way to find a connection to Ceasar, right? Well, just consider that with every breath you take, you are in fact, inhalin molecules disperesed by every living person, through history in its entirety, that you are forever joined to all humanity simply by existing and breathing. It suddenly becomes more beautiful huh?

I take great comfort in the thought that I breathe and live my friends, family, heroes, country and planet as i sit here in front of my computer ready for another day at work, and ponder how much it sucked to be Ceasar, on a sunny March 15th, 2050 years ago.