Aieeee!

Terror Alert!!!

WHAT?
DRIVING OFF THE ROAD?
WHY ISN'T HOMELAND SECURITY DOING ANYTHING ABUT THIS???

Hippo Service

indulge me, dear friends. There are moments of whimsy so equisite, that i am consumed entirely with hope for the world. This is one of them.

Art collector Richard Cohen got the most marvelous wild hair up his ass, one fine day while dining with an antique china dealer. They were discussing antique chna with hunting dogs and ducks on them, and Cohen expressed dissapointment at the fact that truly interesting animals were never represented on dining sets.

What followed is the most important comission of china in 100 years. My ability to relay the details of this endeavor will do it no justice. I'll cut and paste the Wall Street Journal Article (No link, since it's subscription only).

"He scrounged for antique etchings of hippos but eventually decided to go all out and hire photographer Sarah Galbraith to document the names and faces of nearly every hippo in captivity -- she ultimately traveled to 101 zoos in 33 countries, including Vietnam, South Africa, Australia and Sri Lanka.

Back home in Oyster Bay, N.Y., Mr. Cohen sifted through 3,000 images and sent his favorites to Royal Copenhagen, which hadn't received a commission of this scale in at least a century. He asked for the hippos to be painted on the company's renowned Flora Danica pattern -- also found in the collection of Denmark's Queen Margrethe II -- with enough teacups and dinner plates to serve a five-course meal for 18. The 231-year-old porcelain company has about 25 artisans who can paint the pattern for regular, five-person place settings (cost: about $6,000). But because of the scale of this commission, the company called in semi-retired master Juergen Nielsen to do the entire set. (Mr. Cohen says he doesn't plan to sell the collection, or eat off it.)"


The Photographer kept a blog JOINED AT THE HIPPO, where you can see some more of the exhibit and the photos of the subjects. Each piece has the names of the Hippos and their locale emblazoned on the bottom (Bubbles, San Diego Zoo, for example).

Some people, may claim $400,000 is a terrible amount to waste on a project as silly as this. Considering the amount of true waste in this nation, it is heartening for me to see money spent on an act of silliness. Artists and craftsmen in Sweden, professiona photographers, and some very very serious minded individuals have gotten behind on a an act of whimsy so grand, and a subject matter so silly, and declared it "Important Art". As i told someone very special to me, if there is room in this world for something as silly as a 400k hippo set of dishware, then there's a place on this earth for all god's silly creations, Including me. To quote an antiques dealer, "There are valid discussions about distribution of wealth, but this is not one of them.".





Click here to see what Hippo sex sounds like (For real!)

Disturbing, but well put.

Not sure what Indo-chinese hellhole this bit of news came from, but it's worth it just for the quote at the end.

The Stars at Night are Slightly less Bright...

There was a time before the country went nuts that Texas wasn't ground Zero for religious nutjobs and corporate corruption.
Ann Richards Was governor, and as soon as she left the governor's office, so did sanity.

She was supplanted by George W. Bush with the help of Carl Rove.

Ann Richards on How to Be a Good Republican:
You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.
You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time.
You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.
You have to appreciate the power rush that comes with sporting a gun.
You have to believe...everything Rush Limbaugh says.
You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.
You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.
You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.
You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.
You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.
You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.
You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.
You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.



Ann Richards 1933-2006
Governor of Texas, Democrat, and Classy Classy Lady.

Go Bears!

This will be a shock to anyone who has never visited the towns mentioned in the article, otherwise, yeah... it makes sense.

College Football: The punter is stabbed, his backup is arrested

Most foul, and unnatural

It happened AGAIN! You'd think that at my ripe old age, i'd have figured out things NOT to say to ladies. Especially ladies i care for. Especially if i plan to speak to them again. But there for the grace of god go I, running my mouth.

Would this be my blog if i didn't elaborate? Who am I speaking to anyway?

So recently, I became empowered by a viewing of PENN AND TELLER'S BULLSHIT and a good perusal of some James Randi, and Carl Sagan literature. As a child who was obsessed with Nessie, Ghosts, Yeti (Somehow I always knew Sasquatch was bullshit), and a slew of supernatural powers not the least of which was pyrokinesis, I grew increasingly frustrated at the inability of the supernatural to show itself. I don't mean " I think I saw something!". I mean, "Holy shit! look at that! There it is!". To that end I Eventually stumbled unto Carl Sagan, James Randi, Johnny Carson (Yeah, THAT Johnny Carson), and a slew of other skeptics that were so enamored with the occult, that they could not bear to see it beleived. In the great tradtion of Harry Houdini, Penn and Teller, the Great Randi, Carnac the Magnificent, and Alf the inept at card tricks, I would love nothing more than proof. Solid proof, put to the scientific method, and verified, that ESP, the afterlife, UFOs the Loch Ness Monster, and compassionate conservatism, all exist. But in truth, in my heart of hearts, I know none of these do. So it has been for the last fifteen or so years of my life. Considering I'm a sprightly thrity, this is not a small number. I have accepted for the majority of my adult life, that magic and the occult are nothing but my own desire to be more special than I am.

Now, I may poo-poo ESP or Astrology to anyone I wish, and even someone who wears flowing garb and much pewter, will brush it aside and say "Not everyone beleives". Not so i have found with spectres.

What the fuck?

It has been my experience that many people will find atheism perfectly reasonable.
"God is dead? Sure! Why not?"
Now, tell someone you don't believe in ghosts, and you may as well have spit on them, their family, all close friends, and family pets.

That's it.
That's all i got.

Crikey.

I am inexplicably filled with sorrow at the death of Steve Irwin. I suppose, i mourn more than anything the loss of a sncere and gentle person in entertainment. With Mel and his DUI rants, and Tom Cruise's parade of the bizzare, it was heartening to see someone who's celebrity was nothing but a hat he would put on and take off at leisure. His love of living things was not concocted, and his excitement was so genuine, that it was often overwhelming. Three episodes of the Croc Hunter wil forever stick out in my mind:

The first. was Steve in my native Colorado, squaling with delight at finding a nest of rattlers. Anyone who has hiked even a little, knows how terrifying ONE is, and this lunatic dove headfirst into a nest of about thirty ratlle snakes.

The second was the episode when Steve's dog "Suey" had to be put to sleep. It was heart-wrenching, and Steve walked everyone through each agonizing step, as he said goodbye to his best friend. He ended the episode with a gentle reminder to everyone, about how wonderfl Suey was and what a great life she had led, then with tears in his eyes, he said"Crikey, Death is natural but it can be hard to take."

I'm welling up.

Lastly was this episode. Was there ever a more gentle, sweet man? Who weeps for a one-ton dragon? Who has it in them to look at that thing, and see beyond the teeth and the killer instinct? The world is a bit harder without him.

Reasons to celebrate today...

Happy birthday to the following Virgos:

1935 - Seiji Ozawa, Japanese conductor
1939 - Lily Tomlin, American actress and comedian
1942 - C. J. Cherryh, American writer
1944 - Leonard Slatkin, American conductor
1946 - Barry Gibb, English singer (Bee Gees)
1946 - Roh Moo-Hyun, President of Korea
1947 - Al Green, American politician
1949 - P.A. Sangma, Indian politician
1950 - Phillip Fulmer, American football coach
1950 - Dr. Phil, American talk show host
1951 - Nicu Ceauşescu, Romanian politician
1952 - Phil Hendrie, American radio personality
1955 - Billy Blanks, American martial artist
1955 - Bruce Foxton, English bassist (The Jam)
1957 - Gloria Estefan, Cuban singer
1961 - Bam Bam Bigelow, American wrestler
1962 - Ruud Gullit, Dutch footballer
1964 - Brian Bellows, Canadian ice hockey player
1964 - Cécilia Rhode, Swedish model
1966 - Tim Hardaway, American basketball player
1968 - Mohammed Atta, 9/11 terrorist (d. 2001)
1969 - Henning Berg, Norwegian footballer
1970 - Vanna, Croatian singer
1973 - J. D. Fortune, Canadian singer (INXS)
1974 - Jhonen Vasquez, comic book artist
1975 - Omar Rodriguez-Lopez, guitarist for The Mars Volta
1976 - Jada Fire, American pornographic actress
1976 - Alf LaMont, Humorist, Pirate Captain, creative genius.
1976 - Erik Morales, Mexican boxer
1977 - Aaron Schobel, American football player
1978 - Max Vieri, Australian-Italian football player
1980 - Chris Riggott, English footballer
1981 - Clinton Portis, American football player
1983 - Jose Antonio Reyes, Spanish footballer
1984 - Joseph Trohman, American musician (Fall Out Boy)
1985 - Camile Velasco, American singer
1987 - Dann Hume New Zealand musician (Evermore)
1989 - Bill Kaulitz German singer (Tokio Hotel)
1994 - Bianca Ryan, American singer

30 years ago...

In the News:

US Supreme Court rules that blacks and other minorities are entitled to retroactive job seniority (March 24).
Ford signs Federal Election Campaign Act (May 11).
US Supreme Court rules that death penalty is not inherently cruel or unusual and is a constitutionally acceptable form of punishment (July 3).
Nation celebrates Bicentennial (July 4).
Mysterious disease strikes American Legion convention in Philadelphia, eventually claiming 29 lives (Aug. 4).
Jimmy Carter elected US President (Nov. 2).

Khmer Rouge leader Pol Pot becomes prime minister (and virtual dictator) of Cambodia after Prince Sihanouk steps down (April 2).
Israeli airborne commandos attack Uganda's Entebbe Airport and free 103 hostages held by pro-Palestinian hijackers of Air France plane; one Israeli and several Ugandan soldiers killed in raid (July 4).
19-month civil war ends in Lebanon after threatening to escalate to global level (Nov.). MAN! Some things NEVER change...



Top grossing films:

Rocky
To Fly!
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest
All the President's Men, starring Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford
The Omen, starring Gregory Peck and Lee Remick
The Bad News Bears
Silent Movie
Midway
Murder by Death
Jaws (re-release)
Blazing Saddles (re-release)
Lucky Lady
Monty Python and the Holy Grail

STUFF:
Matsushita introduces the VHS home video cassette recorder to compete with Sony's Betamax system.
Super Bowl X:January 18 Pittsburgh Steelers won 21-17 over the Dallas Cowboys
Mama Mia by ABBA spends 14 weeks on the top ten charts...Fernando has 16 weeks that same yr.

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY!!!

A Happy Birthday to Adult film Star Miss JADA FIRE, who turns the big three oh today.

May the 40 plus booty continue to work for you long into the future.

Is there a draft in here?

Oh mercy, it's that time of year again. My Denver Broncos accoutrement are neatly pressed and ready for the donning, the air is become crisp, and my birthdate is nigh. So needless to say, I have football on the brain.

This year, the third placed Colorado Gonzo are making a bit of a hobbled comeback. With a fourth round draft pick all eyes are on Tiki Barber and Eli (Yeah, the other Manning.) to pull us through what may be a rough rough season since my unfortunate roster includes a few retirees, a one legged dwarf, a blind hunchback and the Greenbay Defense . But the fun is in the sport and the shit talking. And if my beloved Broncos have taught the world anything, it's not to dismiss Colorado teams.

In honor of the true national pastime I will post my favorite football related commercials on TV.

Go Broncos! Go Bears! Go Gonzo!



* This is Drew Rosenhaus, Terrel Owen's Agent, which makes this even more HI larious



Damn Peyton, and Damn the Colts to a frigid hell, but this spot is pretty damn funny.





Ah Terry.

Go Broncos.

Somewhere in Pakistan...

HOLY CRAP!!

So In my newfound freedom and indulgance of Nerdery, I have come across the three lost clips from the original STAR WARS.
Oh yes, these are legit, and I'm pretty sure they won't last long on YOU TUBE so get them while they're hot.







So bitches, who shot first?

Indiana Tramp and The Temple of Modern Times

Edna
Uploaded by tamalougbobola

Coffee? Soda? Death?

Calculate the amount of caffeine ut would take to kill you with THIS handy and morbid calculator.

ZOD 2008

I think I've found a candidate that both Republicans and Democrats can agree on...MUST AGREE ON.

GENERAL ZOD FOR PRESIDENT 2008

While in Silverlake/ Echo Park

Joyeux Fete Nationale!

Ce jour glorieux, nous remeber comment nos frères frogs ont essayé de nous imiter en leur révolution. Naturellement elle a fini vers le haut de devenir un euro-trash baisent vers le haut, mais néanmoins nous aimons nos frogs, et tiendrons pour toujours près de nos coeurs la dette de l'honneur sur Lafayette.

Vive la France!

He never had a dinner.

1919-2006






Red Buttons has shuffled off his mortal coil, and he never had a dinner.

Prae Omnia Fraterinitas

Since the beggining of time, men have sought the company of other men for the purpose of donning silly costumes, and engaging in masculine and certainly not gay comaraderie.


Those of you who read my thesis THE MASON JAR(The Decline of Freemasonry and Civic Engagement in America 1945-1995), and those who skipped the thrilling prose but were perhaps members of the Benevolent Friars of UNC, know all too well my odd obsession with ridiculous costuming and meaningless ritual.



True to my nature, as I lope towards the benchmark; thirty years of Etre', I've considered joining one of these brotherhoods myself. The Lions and Eagles are frontrunners at this moment, since there is familial attachement, but the truth is I hesitate to join these groups because of the inherently conservative tone they tend to take. The Shriners/Masons freak my shit out. Not because they are soooo secret and huuge and powerful and conspiratorial, but mostly because they are soooo white.



So i continue my search for the proverbial "Band of Brothers" with whom i can bond and contribute to my community, and I stumble across THIS crazy motherfucker.



HOLY CRAP! How do i get in on this? Not only is this bastard wearing the most batshit crazy hat i've ever seen (IS THAT A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT DANGLING IN THE FRONT?), but he's been pinned with all sorts of Rats of NIHM Sparkleys, and the Fucking Headpiece to the Staff of Ra'! Not to mention the cape with the molting feathers/ermin. Can you imagine this shit in COLOR? I think I ruined my pants.

To boot, he's CROSSEYED! The brass pair it takes to wear this rennaisance festival jester goes to prom ensemble, while so crosseyed that you can check both ways simultaneously before crossing the street, is the sort of stuff i want to be a part of.

So i do some research! Ohhhh shiit. There's TONS of these guys! In The Netherlands I think.
Check it out:

SOCIETY OF CRAZY FUCKERS

As far as I figure from their WEBSITE, about twelve of these Dutch lunatics, a "Minister" called "Minister van Alcoholiese Zake", and two chicks dressed like Colonial Sluts gather every so often, get baked and hammered and then dress in various costumes and entertain children at the local elementary school.

Two questions:

1. Is there a chapter of De Wortelpin Heijenin LA?

2. Who's in?

UPDATE!!!




Oh no THEY DID NOT! NO!


In my research, i was looking at pictures from these guy's events, and I came across this:



My mind reels in terror as i see the girl(?) in blackface, and my heart skips a beat at the saucy Dutch rocker-chick.

Precisely the dicotomy I'm looking for in my fraternal order.

My Candle...

My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh my friends
It gives a lovely light!

World Cup Soccer: Variations on a theme

And my nerd favorite.



FINIS

21 Deaf Mutes Rock My World

I though this complicated dance routine was neat to watch before i found out that it was performed by 21 deaf-mute performers who had to get in sync with each other purely though sign language. “The 1,000-hand Kwan-yin” is roughly “goddess of mercy” in the Buddhist culture.

A History Lesson

World Premiere: My Prison

My friend Dinah beat me to the marvel that is YouTube. As my first attempt at web cinema, I am exposing everyone to the space where I am confined for most of my life.

Ladies and gents..

My Prison!

Witchcraft!

Let's begin this by saying I don't spook easily. My distaste for the Horror genre is not due to the fact that I can't stomach fright and gore, but rather i can't stomach bad plots and inane babble. Not to say I don't appreciate a good gore fest, or clever methods of bloody and cruel death. Take FINAL DESTINATION; a fine film by all accounts, that suffers the indignity of some of the most spoon fed dialogue.

Dude: Wait, you mean Death is STALKING us?
Girl: YES! Death feels cheated, and so it's coming to get us.
Dude2: So what you're saying is we are being hunted by Death.
Dude: Like, being stalked in a way.
Girl: Right! For cheating it.
Dude2: So DEATH itself is stalking us for cheating it.
Dude: That's waay fucked up, right there.
Girl: Totally

A TANK ROLLS OVER THE GIRL

Dude: That's death for you.
Dude2: Always Stalking.

You get the point.

Furthermore, I don't believe in the supernatural. Oh, i'm open to it (Sort of) but the fact is that the people who see ghosts the most often, tend to be the people who wear pewter and crystals, and attend renaissance festivals. I'm not saying that you didn't see the apparition of your grandma just after she died, but, well...you didn't.

So My skeptical and unaffected resume laid out before you, I must now divulge that my world has been thrown into turmoil by two products I've recently seen on TV. Two items for sale that have shaken my foundation.They are advertised as normal everyday things that one should take as normal, but they are either miracles, or witchcraft. You choose.

First let's begin with THIS thing.


Holy Jesus fuck! Are you kidding me with this? A wand. I mean, let's call a spade a spade. A wand that you rub on your head, and its odorless and traceless oil-free content will miraculously cure you of a Migraine.

This is either a fuckiing spell-casting stick of black magic, a Crock of shit, or a severe toxin to be avoided. Migraines are caused by anything from Old Cheese (No Joke) to excess sleep. So HOW IN ALL THAT IS SACRED AND HOLY can rubbing a stick on your forehead cure you of something caused by Caffeine, or Menses for that matter?

Bullshit or witchcraft? I may never know, because I'm not rubbing that thing on MY head.

This object, is my second connundrum.


It's not the notion of a Laser Level that freaks me to my very bowels. I speaka da laser. I had lazer tag as a kid, I have weilded a laser pointer in my day. I saw this movie ...I KNOW about lasers. Or do I?

As seen on TV, this very laser level also "Rounds Corners". Let me repeat that.
This thing rounds CORNERS!? WHAT? This is LIGHT! No mirrors, nothing, just happens to turn the corner if the wall does. The difference between this and Head on, is that perfectly normal people have attested to this MIRACLE as if it were an everyday thing. I Pose to you, that if Jesus were futzing about in Galillee and decided to bend light around a corner, we would all say "That Jesus, always doing crazy shit."
But for someone to be able to order it for 19.99, and have a stud finder included is more for my noodle to contain. Light bending, magic wands, 666, the OC, I'm starting to believe that the end times are nigh. Now if you'll excuse me I have work to do on my box that lights up and brings the knowledge of the universe to my fingertips.

HAPPY 6/6/06

My influence spreads...

As I was driving to work in Hollywood this morning, I pulled up alongside this Semi. Now, I know it's difficult to make out but near the fron of the cab where the company ID is usually located, it said UNITED FEDERATION OF PLANETS FREIGHT TRANSPORT, and below it were sybols from the Klingon Empire, The Romulan Empire, The Ferengi Trade Federation, and as the picture shows...varying degrees of Starfleet insignia. As if i weren't tickled Nerd-Pink by this if you look slightly beyond the Uberdork stickers, there's also a football sticker... can you make that out? huh? Can you? Yeah, it's the Broncos. Those of you who know me, well, let's just say I ruined a perfectly nice pair of pants.

Holy Family

Dammit.

A Papal Bull on the Da Vinci Code

I have a friend working at the Vatican Newspaper L'Osservatore Romano who's name I can't reveal, who has leaked to me a preview of the holy father's official statement on the Da Vinci Code.

For your learned consideration:

BULL Summis desiderantes, May 19th, 2006 Bullarium Romanum (Taurinensis editio), sub, anno 2006. Benedict, bishop, servant of the servants of God, Ad futuram rei memoriam.

To the flock of the Universal Holy Roman Apostolic church, blessings unto you all in the name of Christ and his glory everlasting,

We Benedict XVI issue the following Statement and Papal Bull on the matter of Sony’s release of the Da Vinci Code:

Mr. Dan Brown’s book sucked.

Looks like the movie is going to suck too.

Tom Hanks looks creepy.

Yeah we’ll probably see it too, but who wants to wait in line on opening weekend to get bored to bits? If enough people hate it, we might just wait till we can Netflix it, but then we keep pushing stuff on our queue down. We still haven't seen Crash, if you can beleive that. We just have to be in the right mindset for the heavy stuff.

Let’s leave the inability to differentiate fact from fiction to the Hillbillies and Protestants, and quit giving Sony free publicity.

After the movie opens and closes we’ll still be here, which is more than we can say for Dreamworks Animation. We mean, who opens the same week as DaVinci? We don’t care that it’s a kid’s movie, it’s gonna get buried. It’s a shame too, because Bill Shatner as a possum looks hilarious.


Much love,

Benny 16


Given in Rome, at St. Peter's in the year of Our Lord's incarnation 2006, on the nones of May, in the first year of our pontificate.

Little Known Facts About Superheroes

The comedian Mike Black, is possibly the single most talented and original human I've ever met. Had the pleasure of stumbling into this post on his MySpace Blog.





Friday, May 12, 2006


Things You Might Not Know About Superheroes.

The following are facts that the average joe might not be aware of about various comic book super heroes. These are not jokes and I made none of them up but I use the word "facts" loosely because they are culled from fictional events that happened to fictional characters in the regular continuity of the monthly magazines they were featured in. If you find these amusing, by all means go to your local comic book shop where you can "read more about it!" Enjoy...

Daredevil- Is what I would call Extra Deluxe Catholic. With the name Mathew Michael Murdock you'd almost have to be Catholic but it's the fact that his mother is a Nun that puts him firmly in the Extra Deluxe category.

Iron Man- Is a friend of Bill W. Yep, though his hi-tech armor can be powered by anything from Ion batteries to solar energy, Tony Stark, the man beneath the helmet runs on Bourbon or Thunderbird or whatever you have in your liquor cabinet. He's also loosely based on Howard Hughes so don't be surprised if he locks himself a screening room and starts saving and cataloguing his urine.

Ant-Man/Giant Man- You'd think a guy who can make himself really small or really big at will would be the ideal husband, unfortunately he beats his wife. It's tragic, if only his wife The Wasp would learn to listen.

Batman- How paranoid is Batman? He has secret dossiers on all the other super heroes that give detailed accounts of their weaknesses and what he would do to take them down if they ever went crazy. He also launched a spy satellite to keep track of all super powered people on the planet. He's one of the good guys kids!

The Punisher- Once shot Wolverine in the junk and then in the face with a shotgun.

The Hulk- Not to be outdone by the Punisher ripped off the lower half of Wolverine's body and threw it to the other side of a mountain. The lesson here is if everyone knows you have a mutant healing ability they fight extra dirty.

Wolverine- is but one of his handles. He also goes by Logan, Weapon X, James Howlett and in the far east he's known as Patch because he wears a pirate patch over his eye. I forget why?

Batman- also has a few aliases. Bruce Wayne, John Smith, Sir Hemmingford Gray and Matches Malone because when he uses this gangster persona he usually has a wooden match sticking out from between his teeth.

Spider-Man- Had a clone of himself running around for thirty plus years and didn't know about it, a lot of fanboys wish I was making this whole plot line up to be funny.

Batgirl- is a top contender for suckiest life of a super hero. The first one endured "bad touches" from the Joker who also tortured her and shot her in the spine paralyzing her for life, oh and he did most of that in front of her dad (Commissioner Gordon) in an attempt to drive him crazy, he photographed the whole thing to taunt Batman as well. The current Batgirl was raised by her father to be the perfect assassin, therefore he taught her to communicate entirely through violence. She recently picked up some English as a second language to the language of the fist. The Joker probably won't be able to pull the same shit on this Batgirl.

The Joker- Beat Robin within an inch of his life with a crowbar in front of his mother (a pattern!) and then left them in a locked room with lots of dynamite. We the readers were then given a chance to vote via phone on whether Robin would live or die from this. In an overwhelming landslide I and other like minded individuals became the Joker's accomplices in the murder of Batman's sidekick.

Nick Fury Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.- routinely uses lifelike robotic doubles of himself to handle part of his work load.

Captain America- Had Polio before becoming Captain America, he also banged Ant Man's wife and beat the crap out of him after he found out he had been giving his wife the Ike Turner brand of lovin'. Now that's a patriot.

Mr.Fantastic- came up with the names for the entire Fantastic Four. "I'll be called Mr. Fantastic because I'm a genius and I can stretch, Ben you're a hideous creature that we rely on solely for brute strength so we'll call you The Thing. Ben? Why are you crying?"

Dr.Strange- used to be a surgeon and a dick. Then he broke his hands and now he delves into the dark arts to do battle with evil mystical forces as Earth's Sorcerer Supreme. Contrary to popular belief he has never set foot in Hot Topic nor has he read any of the Harry Potter books.

Silver Surfer- was known on his home planet as Norrin Rad and had a girlfriend named Shalla Ball. I'm guessing there were a lot of glowsticks on this planet.

Galactus- The Devourer of Worlds is only afraid of one thing, the Ultimate Nullifier which is smaller than an Ipod and is of course owned by Mr.Fantastic.

Spider-Man- His newest costume was designed by Tony "Iron-Man" Stark. Taking the crown from the original Robin as the gayest superhero costume ever.

Dr.Doom- Refers to himself in the third person. He's that evil.

Lex Luthor- Thinks everyone else is crazy for being so nuts about an alien that's virtually indestructible, can fly and shoot fire from his eyes.

Wonder Woman- had to snap a guys neck once because the guy was using telepathy to control that indestructable flying alien who can shoot fire from his eyes.

Superman-to be fair, died saving the planet more times than I can count.

Batman- answered the age old question of who would win in a fight between him and Superman once. He beat the crap out of the Last Son of Krypton and all it took was dozen heat seaking missiles, enough voltage to black out an entire city, a special suit of armor, an arrow with a special tip that explodes kryptonite dust (fired by his old pal The Green Arrow) and a lifetime of down and dirty asskicking experience. After handing Superman's ass to him he said "I want you to remember this when you're alone, in your darkest moments, remember who beat you." Batman then promptly faked a heart attack to avoid heat from the government. Honest.

Magneto- is a Polish Jew Mutant WWII concentration camp survivor who was played in a movie by a Homosexual. Nobody bitches to him about not feeling like they fit in...ever.

Ghost Rider-Has a power called the Penance Stare. This means if his eyes lock with yours you feel all the pain you've ever caused anyone in your life. If you fight him, you better have an amazing rack.

-Black Out™

Do you FEEL it?

Gore/Clinton 08'!!