The Circles of Hangover Hell

1st Circle: The Ducked Bullet

No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep was deep and all those carbo-loaded beers have gifted you with a week’s worth of misplaced energy. During lunch you torture your less fortunate coworkers, bragging about how you can pound booze all night, drink warm gin out of a dirty ashtray for breakfast, and still show up fifteen minutes early for work. You crave a steak sub and a side of gravy fries.


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2nd Circle: The Thirsty Mongoloid

No real pain, but something is definitely amiss. You look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. You are definitely dehydrated and after drinking two Gatorades you still feel that way. You feel kinda dumb and you notice the temporary lowering of your IQ has made you more sociable and less concerned with workaday worries. You crave a fruity pancake from IHOP.


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3rd Circle: The Headwound That Won’t Heal

Slight headache. Stomach is upset. You are definitely not the paradigm of a productive worker. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the warm gin shots you did at your friend’s apartment after the bouncer ejected you at 1:45 a.m. Memories of bad behavior seep in and you cringe with shame. Life would be much, much better if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball sub watching Hogan’s Heroes reruns. You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, three iced teas and a diet coke and you haven't peed once.


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4th Circle: The Hunchback of Cheap Champagne

You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or you’ll punctuate your sentences with vomit. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and reeking of booze. The clothes you put on won’t win you any fashion awards and your face looks like a golf green mowed by a blind junkie (ladies, it looks like you applied your make-up with a shotgun). Your eyes are red enough to give your features a lizardish cast and your hair makes your coworkers ask if you’re starting up a new wave band. You vaguely remember doing some really dumb and embarrassing things last night and you don’t care. You would murder your favorite bartender for a foot-long Bratwurst smothered with dijon and fried onions.


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5th Circle: Dr. Kevorkian’s Dream Date

You don’t feel human, you don’t even feel like a mammal. Your long morning shower didn’t take, no amount of soap could penetrate the coat of sleaze. You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employees sitting near you. You’re getting drunk from the vodka vapors seeping from every pore. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from the futile attempt to remove the taste of decaying rat. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, your tongue flops in your mouth like a nightmare-plagued wino thrashing around in his cardboard hooch. You'd cry like a baby but that would steal the last few drops of moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty awesome right now. You definitely don't remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still passed out in your bed.


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6th Circle: The Infinite Nutsmacker

You wake up on your bathroom floor, your arms death-locked around your porcelain lover. You would vomit but you quite apparently took care of that last night, with none too good of an aim. You turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights—some sadist handed you a pack of Pall Mall nonfilters and you chain-smoked them like it was your full-time job, telling anyone who would listen that smoking filtered cigarettes is like drinking whiskey through a bar rag. You look in the mirror and find the Ready to Rock stamp has migrated from your right hand to your forehead with the help of Jager magic. You try to rehydrate but all you can stand is one cupped handful of brackish tap water. You crawl into the shower and the coldest water fails to revive your nerve endings as you mumble solemn oaths of never, ever letting a single drop of evil alcohol inside your body again. Ever .

If you could remember your behavior last night you would never step outside your apartment again, but the last thing you recall is accepting your ninth shot offer with the exhortation, “Fuck yes! Let’s get this party started!” Everything after that is a black vacuum populated with shifting, vaguely-menacing shapes.

Instead of yelling at you for being late, your boss solemnly invites you into his office to ask you if a parent or sibling passed away. Your super-sensitive ears pick up low talk among your coworkers about “interventions” and “rehab.” The cute girl from accounting you’ve been flirting with for three months looks at you like you’re a leprous hunchback who has come for her organs. You cannot bear to eat, the granola bar from the snack machine sticks in your craw like petrified log jammed in a woodchipper. You curse yourself for not calling in sick because all you can manage to do is sit in your chair and breathe . . . very gently.

Glücklicher 250 Geburtstag Mozart!

mozart
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

Obwohl ich nicht Ihr größter Ventilator bin, (ich bin mehr einer Beethoven Person), muß ich altem "Wolfie" einige Stützen geben. Ich habe zu einem Mozart Oper Festival täglich auf meiner Weise nach Hause gehört und ich muß sagen, daß das freche Giovanni, das goofy Cosi anzieht und die magische Flöte noch mir glückliche Gedächtnisse holen und mein Herz füllen. Glücklicher 250 Geburtstag Wolfie!


"O Mozart!Immortal Mozart! How many and what countless images of a brighter, better world hast thou stamped on our souls." -Schubert

The Biz

Aw Man! This is going to suck to say. It's going to come across as elitist and self important. All i can say, is that I DO this. This is my life. 60 hours a week. Everyone in LA wants to talk show business, and everyone has "Advice" to give. Well, let me just throw THIS out there. If you're not a manager, and agent, a casting director or someone who deals with living, breathing, casting choices, then DO NOT GIVE ANY FUCKING ADVICE TO ACTORS! The following is a cut and paste job of some advice an actress friend of mine received from someone who lives in LA:

I have a lot of friends who are actors. It's a tough gig. Find a steady yet flexable job yo pay the bills and then take as many classes and do as many auditions as you can. As with any art, the only way to get better at something is to do it. Getting as much good experience as you can while building a reel is key. That reel can help you get agents and parts, so you want to try and get involved with pieces that reflect you as an actor and that you cna be proud of. For every striving actor there is a striving director, so keep a look out for work in indipendent short films by people trying to break into directing.

Oh mother of the baby Jesus and all the Saints in heaven...did you read that?
Let's forgive the spelling. Let's forgive the notion that acting is an art, the question this guy needs to ask is "Do you want to make a living at acting, or just twat about?". The recipe he has given this girl is a recipe for a lot of mistakes, and a lot of wasted time. THIS is how actors end up in a lame fuckaround, rather than building towards a real and lasting career.

I know the intentions were good, but I also know how saturated this town is with actors and how if you want to REALLY give a friend a hand, you'll avoid giving shit advice. Do everyone in LA a favor, and let's steer actors to the brutal guillotine that is the real Hollywood. Let's introduce them to SAG, AFTRA, Pay or Play, Favored Nations, Modified Low Budgets, Breakdowns, Sides, Pilots, Non-Union Episodics and all the true hazzards of a budding career. Keep them away from lowlifes with no budget, a self obsessed script, and a digital cam. Deliver your friends from "Features" that are written, directed, produced, and starring John Q. Fuckup. If your actor friends are to die, then let them do it, and decrease the surplus population. At least you gave them a fighting chance.

Tristan and Isolde (The surrender of self to Love)

I recently murdered the story of Tristan and Isolde while making a point of the necessity of pain and anguish, the acceptance of these parts of life as inevtabilities of a passionate and well led journey. I used Tristan and Isolde as metaphors for resigned passion and love. unfortunately I paraphrased the most touching part of the story, so I've decided to retell it and expose casual readers to my thoughts. The Story goes as follows:

Tristan was a knight who was sent by his king to retrieve Isolde, a beautiful princess whos marriage to the king was to provide peace to two long battling kingdoms.

Isolde was beautiful and young, and her nurse worried that she would not accept the old farty king as a husband. As insurance against a pretty young girl's better instincts, the nurse made a love potion that Isolde would drink when she met the king.

As fate would have it, during the trip the dashing Tristan and beautiful Isolde accidentally drink the potion, and a deep love ensues.

The nurse wakes the next day and finds the new lovers in each other's arms, weeping. They know what this means. They know that suffering and more likely death for Tristan would soon follow.

The Nurse exclaims, "You have drunk your death."

"If by ‘my death’ you mean this agony of love, that is my life!" responded the loving knight, "If by my death you mean the punishment that we are to suffer if discovered, I accept that. And if by my death, you mean eternal punishment in the fires of hell, I accept that too."

So essential to the journey is a complete surrender into the moment and passions of love, that this Boy-Knight and his teenage princess are willing to accept both physical death AND eternal damnation for their love, is a testament to romantic love, attraction, and the depth to which it moves us.

The same story as ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND. No matter what the end result, or the misery you may feel, it is always worth it. The anger of betrayal, the crushing loneliness, and the resurrected self, a better and more conscious self, are all in thanks to the surrender we once made. Though we sometimes miss that glorious bliss, we are greatful for the ability to surrender to it, and the supreme happiness it once brought to our lives.

Marriage Schmarriage?

A friend of over 3 years has recently revealed to me that he in fact, has a blog. To my friend's credit, the blog contains some very complete thoughts on a variety of subjects. None bear the sophmoric self-indulgent mark of say... MY BLOG , but rather his entries are precisely why blogging was made available. The sharing of ideas. My friend and I are simpatico on many fronts. Both of us are notoriously liberal, both of us are savagely independent. However, he has recently railed against the institution of marriage. Now I know what marriage means here in LA, its obvious that this country in particular seems to have made a mockery of the institution, and that in the media, marriage is only an accoutrement or an accessory for Paris and Paris or Britney, K-fed and their wretched bumpkin offspring. Republicans and their mini brains can't wrap their heads around the notion that marriage needs more defense from an overzealous Nicole Ritchie than from a committed gay couple. So why marriage at all then?

I think we can all agree that love is present regardless of the ceremony. The financial benefits are a cheap spiritual excuse, and barely worth mentioning. My friend makes many valid points. As someone who finds the likelyhood of marriage ebb away as each passing day makes me a more bizzare version of my previous self, i could see the shenanigans and buffoonery associated with the whole wedding season with as cold an eye as any doomed to a bachelor's life. So why the heaving sentimentality? I obviously disagree with his stance on marriage,but why?

Allow me to refer to a story from the Indus valley:
It is beleived that when a man is created, his opposite is also created in the world. These spirits are then seperated. If a man leads a holy life, one that is true to himself and kind unto others, the the man will be reunited with his other self. The other lost in birth. If he is untrue to himself and others, then he will find another mate who does not quite complete him.

Taken literally of course it's absolute nonsense, as with most religion. But by god what beautiful depth there is to the notion of finding yourself in the other. My progressive friends will all agree that the face of god, and true holiness does not lie in yourself but rather in the other. The ability to feel the pain of your neighbors, and bear the agony and ectasy of someone's life along with yours is a momentuous occasion. As with all great transitions in life a ceremony and celebration must accompany the spiritual transition of a being who switches to being self serving to becoming a servant of the life he or she has chosen. THAT is marriage. Jewish weddings have the breaking of a glass to symbolise the pain that comes with leaving your previous self behind, followed by the joy of dancing and singing to celebrate a new life.

How many times have you seen a couple get married and it changes nothing? The big change came when they became committed long ago. The cermonies are simply a celebration of that step. you gather everyone around you who your love affects and you bring them close.Nuns are married to god. Businessmen say they are married to their job. Ultimately marriage is an admission that you are a being who has been spiritualy changed, the ceremony the act the legal stuff, is just an embellishment for the true, mature , denial of self it represents. As long as people interact, care and grow, marriage will happen.

Ultimate Showdown

Optimus, Indy, Batman, Honest Abe, etc. VS. Godzilla

NO IMAGE NCECESSARY

Thanks, mAc

Things from 2005

Ok, so I'm sorry for not posting in a Cyber-eternity. Here's the deal. I had collected some great links and images last year, and never found time to post it. That being said,a new year's post is just the thing.

#1
Charlie Chaplin and Einstein

Man I love this picture.

#2 Another Fine Mess


This Badass image is actually a print that was being sold at a small gallery in London. i tried to purchase it, but the Artist has dissapeared, and he took his art with him.


#3 The Tortoise and the Hippo
Anyone who knows me, knows that i am not a sentimental sap. That being said, I am extremely proud to say that the true story of THIS orphaned baby hippo and the 130 year old tortoise it adopted, will soon be a feature film produced by my company RELEVANT entertainment.



#4 As Pilots Season Approaches, who doesn't feel like this at least a few times a day?


#5 Always Look on the bright side of life, and death.



#6 The tale of Pac-Man


Sweetness.

The War on Christmas

What the hell is wrong with "Christians"? By "Christians" I don't mean the lovely people who take their religion seriously and to themselves. I mean the idiots who insist of force feeding their version of Christianity on everyone else. As is my custom, I have taken the time to dissect the Holiday that we all celebrate, and see why the evangelists were all up in arms about "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". As you might have guessed, the root of the outrage is ignorant hipocrisy and good old fashioned retardation.

For starters, let's do a little thinking. I know, Leviticus 21:34 says "And yea, he that thought was smitten by a plague of boils in the naughty bits. For thinking displeases the lord, and giveth unto him a headache" . However, I think it's also Leviticus 33:10 that reads "Go not into the ocean's waters, lest you be wearing a feathered hat and be carrying a newt, for that is unclean.". So I'm pretty sure we can all agree to let Leviticus and his wacky antics be.

So why is "Happy Holidays" so wrong? Anyone? Yes, the retard in the back.

Ok, so the premise is. Hey! No giggling. The answer given to us by Fox News is that "Happy Holidays" ignorest the religious significance of the season.

Who said that? What? Kwanzaa? Hannukah? New Years? Those don't exist. The holiday season is ONLY Christmas, and retailers should not pay any attention to those Jews, Niggers, and Chinamen that try to say otherwise. Only people who love Jesus shop during the Christmas season.

Since we are being such fucking purists about making the Holiday Holy, let's address some other things you assholes should note about Christmas.

For starters, let's just say that Christmas is no big deal. At least religiously it isn't. The biggest, mightiest day of the year for Chrstianity is Easter. Christmas was barely celebrated untill the 1860's when Macy's started having Christmas sales and decorating their window displays with Christmas themes. Since then, christmas has become more and more important every year. Now we see that retailers make up to 70% of their yearly profits and miraculously (By the hand of Jesus, no doubt), the Christmas season has become THE holiday for American evangelicals.

Next, let's make sure your wretched offspring pray to ALL the Saints. As a Catholic I take great pride in the religious A-Team, known as "The Saints". I can claim a connection from Saint Francis, to Saint Bernadette. From Saint Vitus and Genesius to all the holy martyrs. But you freaky zealots deny the divinity of saints. Unless it's tied to shopping, and finance. Saint Patrick, saint Valentine, and Saint Nicholas, have proven to be consumer friendly and therefore thay are widely accepted by the heaten evangelical prods. Saint Nicholas Bishop of Myra was a minor saint who lived around 325 AD. The current gift-giving, jolly old elf is an interpretation of this Saint taken from the Netherlands, and given a commercial career by Coca-Cola during....the 1860's.

Finally, make sure you buy enough gifts for all twelve days of the "Cristes maesse". The religious observance and gift giving of Christmas extends THROUGH JANUARY 6. I know most of you think of it as once a year thing, but if you guys want to own it, then OWN it.

The list of hypocritical and adopted traditions that benefit the consumerist orgy of an American Christmas, is too long to list. It's amazing to me that the right would concentrate on opposing an inclusionist statement like "Happy Holidays" , a statement that says "Good will to all, and Peace on Earth regardless of who you are or what you celebrate". Christmas time is not the time when Jesus was born. Who knows when the exact date for that was? The early church chose this time of the year because of the universal feeling of renewal that comes at the end of a year. The birth of Christ SHOULD be connected with the birth of a New Year, the birth of hope and what is to come. That is universal and it makes the tale and life of Jesus all the more potent. The fathers of the church knew that. They knew that their message of hope had universal appeal, and so joined with all the peoples of the world in welcoming hope and love into the world as we all begin the next cycle of life. THAT is Christmas. That's what the season is all about, and i'll take my Happy Holidays over your version of Christmas any day.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

And god bless us EVERY-ONE.

Hump-Worthy

Today's Hump-Worthy person is my friend and hero Joe "Check out the size of my myth" Campbell.
Though I'm not a fan of "The Dead", Joey really grasps the instincts that take over during any really good concert.



From Ritual to Rapture, from Dionysus to the Grateful Dead
By Joseph Campbell

The Deadheads are doing the dance of life and this I would say , is the answer to the atom bomb.

I had a marvelous experience two nights ago. I was invited to a rock concert. ( laughter in the audience) I'd never seen one. This was a big hall in Berkeley and the rock group were the Grateful Dead, whose name, by the way, is from the Egyptian Book of the Dead. And these are very sophisticated boys. This was news to me.

Rock Music has never seemed that interesting to me. It's very simple and the beat is the same old thing. But when you see a room with 8000 young people for five hours going through it to the beat of these boys ... The genius of these musicians- these three guitars and two wild drummers in the back... The central guitar, Bob Weir, just controls this crowd and when you see 8000 kids all going up in the air together... Listen, this is powerful stuff ! And what is it ? The first thing I thought of was the Dionysian festivals, of course. This energy and these terrific instruments with electric things that zoom in... This is more than music. It turns something on in here (the heart?). And what it turns on is life energy. This is Dionysus talking through these kids. Now I' ve seen similar manifestations, but nothing as innocent as what I saw with this bunch. This was sheer innocence. And when the great beam of light would go over the crowd you' d see these marvelous young faces in sheer rapture- for five hours ! Packed together like sardines! Eight thousand of them ! Then there was an opening in the back with a series of panel windows and you look out and there's a whole bunch in another hall, dancing crazy. This is a wonderful fervent loss of self in the larger self of a homogeneous community. This is what it is all about !


It reminded me of Russian Easter. Down in New York we have a big Russian Cathedral. You go there on Russian Easter at midnight and you hear Kristos anesti ! Christ is Risen ! Christ is Risen ! It's almost as good as a rock concert. (laughter) It has the same kind of life feel. When I was in Mexico City at the Cathedral of the Virgin of Guadeloupe, there it was again. In India, in Puri, at the temple of the Jagannath- that means the lord of the Moving World- the same damn thing again. It doesn't matter what the name of the God is, or whether its a rock group or a clergy. It's somehow hitting that chord of realization of the unity of God in you all, that's a terrific thing and it just blows the rest away."




 

Science errrr....Tuesday

So I'm a day late.
So Nu?

My three favorite science stories of the week:

#1. Shark vs. Shark in Australia


HOT Shark on Shark action

#2. New lame looking species of carnivorous cat found in borneo.


Lamest previously unknown carnivore EVER


#3. Hobbits were the first Australians



Sauron was the first Texan.

R.I.P Ben's Balls

grnlntrnalf
I'm a fucking mess
I need my buds

benpatrickw
why are you a mess

grnlntrnalf
many reasons
One in particular
But I don't want to discuss it

benpatrickw
what happened?

grnlntrnalf
let's go out, get drunk, and be irresponsible with lADIES, ROLLERSKATES, AND LIQUOR

benpatrickw
that sounds like a ton of fun
but the girl would have to come with me
and she is underage

grnlntrnalf
We all go dressed as goofballs
Dude...par for the fucking course

benpatrickw
what is par?

grnlntrnalf
Par ...golf
average
Normal
That's the score that is
What I'm saying is that  you rarely abandon her, your friend is BEGGING, it sounds like fun, you'd take her if you could, but unfortunately it's 21 and over.

benpatrickw
I'm telling you it won't fly

grnlntrnalf
Then she pouts, you tell her "I'm sorry darling, I love you.but i'm not the kind of friend who would abandon a mate.'Ill be home later tonight."
You give her a good kiss, maybe a pickle-tickle if it goes that far, you put on a costume and we have a good time.

benpatrickw
won't work
I see her on the weekends
she goes to school during the week

Death of The Week

Shuffled off this week:

Pat Morita


He's in a better place now.

1932-2005
Wax off...forever.


George Best


1946-2005

A hard partier, and the symbol of London's swingin' sixities, I think he also played soccer.

Check out the Party Monster's decline:

March 2000: Severe liver damage diagnosed
February 2001: Treated for pneumonia
April 2001: Anti-alcohol pellets implanted into his stomach
July 2002: Undergoes liver transplant
November 2004: Routine operation to check on liver transplant
October 2005: Treated for kidney infection in intensive care
November 2005: Lung infection sees condition worsen

Deadly things of the week:
Eagles and Tortoises

Mandy Barnes' Tidbit of Death:
Two witness cremations (where the family watches the body go into the chamber) back to back, are called a Double Feature in certain circles.

Hump-Worthy

Wednesdays I've decided to devote to others. People who deserve to be heard on Hump day.
Our first hump-worthy person and guest blogger is the 39th President of the United States.



This isn't the real America
By Jimmy Carter

IN RECENT YEARS, I have become increasingly concerned by a host of radical government policies that now threaten many basic principles espoused by all previous administrations, Democratic and Republican.

These include the rudimentary American commitment to peace, economic and social justice, civil liberties, our environment and human rights.

Also endangered are our historic commitments to providing citizens with truthful information, treating dissenting voices and beliefs with respect, state and local autonomy and fiscal responsibility.

At the same time, our political leaders have declared independence from the restraints of international organizations and have disavowed long-standing global agreements — including agreements on nuclear arms, control of biological weapons and the international system of justice.

Instead of our tradition of espousing peace as a national priority unless our security is directly threatened, we have proclaimed a policy of "preemptive war," an unabridged right to attack other nations unilaterally to change an unsavory regime or for other purposes. When there are serious differences with other nations, we brand them as international pariahs and refuse to permit direct discussions to resolve disputes.

Regardless of the costs, there are determined efforts by top U.S. leaders to exert American imperial dominance throughout the world.

These revolutionary policies have been orchestrated by those who believe that our nation's tremendous power and influence should not be internationally constrained. Even with our troops involved in combat and America facing the threat of additional terrorist attacks, our declaration of "You are either with us or against us!" has replaced the forming of alliances based on a clear comprehension of mutual interests, including the threat of terrorism.

Another disturbing realization is that, unlike during other times of national crisis, the burden of conflict is now concentrated exclusively on the few heroic men and women sent back repeatedly to fight in the quagmire of Iraq. The rest of our nation has not been asked to make any sacrifice, and every effort has been made to conceal or minimize public awareness of casualties.

Instead of cherishing our role as the great champion of human rights, we now find civil liberties and personal privacy grossly violated under some extreme provisions of the Patriot Act.

Of even greater concern is that the U.S. has repudiated the Geneva accords and espoused the use of torture in Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay, and secretly through proxy regimes elsewhere with the so-called extraordinary rendition program. It is embarrassing to see the president and vice president insisting that the CIA should be free to perpetrate "cruel, inhumane or degrading treatment or punishment" on people in U.S. custody.

Instead of reducing America's reliance on nuclear weapons and their further proliferation, we have insisted on our right (and that of others) to retain our arsenals, expand them, and therefore abrogate or derogate almost all nuclear arms control agreements negotiated during the last 50 years. We have now become a prime culprit in global nuclear proliferation. America also has abandoned the prohibition of "first use" of nuclear weapons against nonnuclear nations, and is contemplating the previously condemned deployment of weapons in space.

Protection of the environment has fallen by the wayside because of government subservience to political pressure from the oil industry and other powerful lobbying groups. The last five years have brought continued lowering of pollution standards at home and almost universal condemnation of our nation's global environmental policies.

Our government has abandoned fiscal responsibility by unprecedented favors to the rich, while neglecting America's working families. Members of Congress have increased their own pay by $30,000 per year since freezing the minimum wage at $5.15 per hour (the lowest among industrialized nations).

I am extremely concerned by a fundamentalist shift in many houses of worship and in government, as church and state have become increasingly intertwined in ways previously thought unimaginable.

As the world's only superpower, America should be seen as the unswerving champion of peace, freedom and human rights. Our country should be the focal point around which other nations can gather to combat threats to international security and to enhance the quality of our common environment. We should be in the forefront of providing human assistance to people in need.

It is time for the deep and disturbing political divisions within our country to be substantially healed, with Americans united in a common commitment to revive and nourish the historic political and moral values that we have espoused during the last 230 years.

Science Tuesday II

Here are my favorite Science Stories of the week:

#1. Fish Communicate by Farting


Thereby joining college-age males in the evolutionary ladder

#2. Vatican Calls "Bullshit" on Intelligent Design

You know you're beat when the Vatican, who doesn't believe in birth control, says you're being an idiot.

#3.Atlanta Opens Big-Ass Aquarium

Having solved the homelessness, and race problems that have been plaguing it for years, Atlanta invests in its future,

Wingpeople

wingman
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

This weekend was a Social-Heavy weekend, and it seems weekends to come will also be heavy on the social calendar.

Being recently (Recently?) singled I am observing the age-old tradition of having/being a wingman in the dogfights of social wooing. I have observed, and it is the god's honest truth that a wingman has to be a very well chosen person.

To that extent I am hereby deleting the following groups from the potential wingperson list.

Family: My brother, his girlfriend, my parents, all sound like used car salesmen when they "assist". With our dark skin, it's like watching a morroccan market.

"Look! Look My friend! I have special deal for you! He is have good job."

Girls: No matter how "Just friends" you are, girls will ALWAYS sabotage your chances with another girl. For example, I had two parties to go to this weekend. One involved a ridiculous and obscene costume, the other was a nice, laid back, serene affair where there would be NO available women. So My friend and I dressed like goofballs for the second party and we show up to wild gawks of humor and nervous looks. Never imagining that someone Extremely available was going to show. So i proceed to make a severe ass of myself. My friend, FEMALE, who should be supportive of me ,fails to tell me that the person I'm talking to has been recently singled. I in turn make such an extreme jerggoff of myself, that the Anti-Alf / hellspawn Image I built for that night may be the only one my trollop of choice may remember for the rest of her days. A GUY WOULD NEVER OMMIT SUCH A CRUICIAL DETAIL.

The really strange friend: This is a tough one. "Strange" is all in the eye of the beholder. I for one, am many people's "Strange friend", and MY "Strange Friends" Have "Strange Friends" of their own. Simply put, you don't want the friend you play D&D with, on your side. You appreciate him, you hang out, but god forbid the object of your desire catch wind of your Comic-con gold passes without testing the waters first. You love your pal, and revel in the nerdery. However, there is no place for ten sided dice in a bar. If youre at a sports bar, you don't want a vampire by your side, and likewise at a goth club...whatever. Those girls are easy.

Friday = Death of the Week

My new concept of bringing stability and security to my blog continues with DEATH OF THE WEEK. The premise being; the week dies, and so do people. So I use "Chunk" to "Shuffle off those mortal coils" and pay homage to the famously deceased. Along with a deadly "Item of the week" and a Nugget of Death from the sauciest Funeral Director this side of the Mississippi, Mandy Barnes (Bubblegum Vernacular on my sidebar).

ANOTHER REASON TO SAY "TGIF", AND TO "TAKE A SWIG OF ALF"!



Shuffled off this week:

Lobot



1932-2005

He didn't say much, but he said it loud. Your nod to Lando will be forever remebered.



Ralph Edwards




1913-2005

The first person to embarass celebrities in public. So old that Bob Barker considered him a mentor.

Deadly thing of the week:
Salt

Mandy Barnes' Tidbit of Death:

"The coroner has a fee of $200 for release unless it's a homicide or a child under 14. Babies are free!"

Science Tuedays

So I've decided to start some sort of schedule to my blog to prevent me from being so damn lazy about it. I present to you SCIENCE TUESDAYS. This will hopefully be followed by a daily theme to each weekday allowing structure and joy to enter my blog. Most probably this will fall to the wayside when I find a video of someone getting hit in the Nads and have to post it on Tuesday.

Nonetheless, here they are. My three favorite science stories of the week:

#1. John Cleese gets a Lemur named after him.

Ministry of Silly Monkeys

#2. Scientists excavate "Godzilla" remains, and Tokyo moves to threat level "Olange"

Rook Out!


#3. Robo-Carp added to London Aquarium. It almost Immediately decides to go by the name "Murphy", and kicks a barracuda's ass.

Robo Carp

Focus on the Thighs...

So as i was fucking about on the web, I found myself face to face with the most beloved/ despised sites conjoined by the evil furrow browed child pictured above.

Focus on The Family, Facists supreme, are sharing the cockeyed kid with none other than THE THIGHMASTER himself.

What's next?

Pink meets Anne Coulter?

Mandy Barnes on Freakin' NPR!

My old friend, Mandy "I'm a Funeral Director Y'all!" Barnes was featured on an NPR piece last weekend.


NPR Y'all!



Please Make sure to Visit her permanent home on the web:
Bubblegum Vernacular (Posted On my Sidebar)

Does anyone know whatever happened to UNC Alumni from the east coast?
Anyone?

That's what I thought.

In your face NY!

Why Boston Legal is quickly replacing LOST

Danny Crane