Shuffling off those mortal coils

1913- 2005




Eddie: There are three things that Black people need to tell the truth about. Number one: Rodney King should've gotten his ass beat for being drunk in a Honda a white part of Los Angeles. Number two: O.J. did it! And number three: Rosa Parks didn't do nuthin' but sit her Black ass down!

Maybe so, but what an ass.

Always On My Mind

It's going to be a LOOOONG weekend.

October's finest week

So this has been apretty Kickass week in general.
Let's recap some of the Web's finest moments:



Awww...look at the darling little Neo Nazis!



Bob Saget and Dave Coulier are FILTHY!



Seems like the gang of LOST are acting like a bunch of drama QUEENS


Last but not least, I juss wanna give a shout-out to all my progressive brothas and sistahs out there. Good week everyone. Now let's get rid of MIERS CHENEY LIBBY ROVE DE LAY AND FRIST.

While we're at it, let's remember 2008


TANNED RESTED AND READY!


And just for Kicks...
This bitch is so fake, she's managed to master her only "look".
DIE!

Alf Needs...

Ok, so i stole this from my friend DINAH who's blog PUFF PIECE is permanently linked to on the sidebar.
The premise is as follows:

You go to google. You enter "YOUR NAME needs". Now I know my friends, and I know that they would never even consider typing "YOUR NAME", but if you are a random dipshit that stumbled across this, and were confused by the instructions...

Then google will respond with what you need. Then you post your five favorites. In no particular order.

ALF needs some sort of service registry.

* I couldn't agree more, I can't keep all my services in line as it is.

ALF needs to start a revolution of public opinion.

* what do you think this Blog is for?

Alf needs a family where he can be with people as much as possible.

*Oh god! It's like google can see into my SOUL.

ALF needs our help in raising funds to prevent, treat and cure hepatitis

* Please send checks or money orders c/o Alfredo LaMont...

ALF needs help with bathing and dressing himself.

*Please send your daughters and virgins c/o Alfredo LaMont...

Holy Shit!

All LaMont family members have their quirks. My dad for example, can't understand that restaurants don't serve Diet Root Beer. It never fails, we'll go out to outback, or chili's or some such place, and my father will burden the waitstaff with his request. DIET ROOT BEER. Does that even exist? Waitstaff tell their friends in the back, who I'm sure tell their families that some man has ordered Diet Root Beer again despite having been in last week, and had been denied his ficticious drink then as well. My mother has the tendency to insist almost violently, that people loosen up. She's been known to hit employees over the head with blunt objects, when they seemed not at ease enough at the employee xmas party. Me, I can't tie my shoelaces, but my brother has two very interesting issues that starngely convereged in Manchester england yesterday.

My father and brother are both members of the SIT ON THE CRAPPER FOR TWO HOURS WHILE READING ALL THE PAPER club.
I was not invited. Though I enjoy regular movements and reading material, I refuse to devote any more time than is necessary to the act of pinching a loaf. My brother and my father however, seem to have made the john their domain of two hours. I'm not airing family laundry and pooping habits for no reason. See, i've also always been wildly entertained by my brother's irrational fears. My brother has phobias that cover everything from horses, to driving in Los Angeles, to well...snakes. So you can imagine my giggling joy when i came across the following article.



A 10ft boa constrictor has been captured after popping up in the loos of a posh block of flats in Manchester.
The snake had terrified tenants since it was first spotted in a toilet last week, reports the Mirror.
It's believed to have been living in sewage pipes for three months after being abandoned by an evicted tenant three months ago.
People had to put bricks on their loo seats to stop the snake, which has been named Keith, slipping into their bathrooms.
Firemen were called in to try to track him down in the pipework but a brave resident of the West Didsbury flats finally trapped him in a bucket.
Keith is now in the care of the RSPCA.
Spokesman Jimmy Ratcliff, an expert on exotic animals, said: "They can swim very well and can hold their breath for more than 20 minutes - though what is out of the ordinary is the size of this snake.
"It has probably been eating rats in the sewer, where it appears to have been living quite happily."

Oh man, just the mental image of my brother prepping for poo, and finding a Boa on his sacred throne, is enough to send me into fits of hilarity.

Just wanted to share.

Indictment Bingo

Indictment Bingo
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

Any other Progressive tongues drooling? I saw the headline "DC Braces for Cheney Announcement" and I soiled myself.

Witch Hunt Anyone?

Some people...

your_a_total_bitch
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

So i answer and ad on craigslist for a roomate situation. She replies, saying that I'm an asshole.

I reply kinda confused...then this cutesy exchange gets posted on craigslist.
Please note she omits her original insult, and my inquiry.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/roo/103703176.html

Alfghanistan Redux

alfghanistan
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

So I've Coddled my baby Duchy and see how she has grown!


The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan
"Podex Perfectus Est"

UN Category: Scandinavian Liberal Paradise

Civil Rights:
Superb
Economy:
Fair
Political Freedoms:
Very Good

Location: 1 George Bush Too Many


The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan is a huge, environmentally stunning nation, remarkable for its punitive income tax rates. Its compassionate population of 276 million enjoy extensive civil rights and enjoy a level of social equality free from the usual accompanying government corruption.

It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, socially-minded government stops and the rest of society begins, but it is mainly concerned with Social Welfare, although Healthcare and Education are secondary priorities. The average income tax rate is 92%, and even higher for the wealthy. Private enterprise is illegal, but for those in the know there is a slick and highly efficient black market in Book Publishing.

Appendix transplant figures recently doubled, all recreational drugs are legal, 'The Anti-Government Hour' is a popular programme on many of Alfghanistan's radio stations, and all guns must be registered. Crime -- especially youth-related -- is totally unknown. Alfghanistan's national animal is the Puffin, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its currency is the Doh.


Alfghanistan is ranked 4th in the region and 690th in the world for Most Beautiful Environments.

Betrayal

Betrayal of Christ
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

What a strange month it has been.
September flew in, heralded my twenty-ninth birthday, kicked my ass around a few times, spit on my face, force fed me black licorice, poked fun at my weight, and stole my girl. And then, in the final week of this wrenched month, it picked me up, apologized handed me fifty dollars, and offered to have my car washed. I speak in metaphors of course, but I found that an overriding sense of betrayal seemed to be in the air.

I felt betrayed, my health betrayed me, I betrayed my friend, my friend betrayed me, I betrayed myself. The government betrayed the people, the weather betrayed Mississippi, the Levies betrayed Nola. Tom betrayed Jerry, Fred betrayed Barney, Hurley Betrayed Locke, Napoleon betrayed Josephine. The whole betrayal thing felt like it was pummeling me like a leather clad dominatrix, and all I could do is sit there with a ball in my mouth and a thong made of rubber with a studded choker, and take it. Am I inherently deceitful? I seem to gloss over things when I’m around people, especially when all is wrong. Are people around me all as callous and self serving as I was? Will they ultimately abandon me for their own comfort? It gave me some serious pause. What kind of world do I inhabit that when faced with adversity I can become so self-centered. Wallowing in indulgent self-pity, and leading those around me into worry and hurt?

Despite my bouts with self-loathing this month, and through the high drama of betrayals, I have come to realize that now more than ever I believe in the inherent good and beauty of my friends and family. The people who surround me are a gift, each individual has seen the good in my heart and has chosen to stick it out. I can be a pain, yes. And so can they, but ultimately I do not keep bad company. At its worst, I keep good company with unfortunate issues. Even then, I find it difficult to stare someone and say goodbye, and punish them for things that I’m sure I would be guilty of too, if I was as totally fucked as they seem to be . My eyes forbid me to zone in on the weaknesses and baser instincts of friends, much like my friends choose to ignore mine when my shortcomings crawl out of my gut. Wallowing in anger and sadness is no way to live in this world. And if a friend fails me, I need only think of myself and how shallow I can be when I hurt inside. Ultimately a betrayal in the end is an admittance of weakness. I could not do what was right, because I am in pain. An excuse to be sure, but that sort of failure evokes pity in me, not anger. In the end, I appreciate and invoke the greatest gift of western civilization. The thing that brings the holiest and more beautiful aspects of us all to light, and allows us the next day to be a better person. Forgiveness. I thank you all for yours, and promise to act in kind.

How far must we fall?

I was watching Bill speaking intelligently on real problems. Adressing hunger,poverty, disease, discrimination. Such fluency, intelligence, confidence. And then the babbling twirp came on.

How reckless and destructive does a person have to be efore there is national outrage?
Gas prices not high enough? Three trillion dollars in deficit not wreckless enough? 2000 dead american boys and girls, and 14, 000 wounded not enough? The complete destruction of american cities not appaling enough? The assault on liberty, choice, and science isn't your thing?
What will it take?
I'm reminded of a scene in Hamlet.

Hamlet:
See, what a grace was seated on this brow;
Hyperion's curls; the front of Jove himself;
An eye like Mars, to threaten and command;
A station like the herald Mercury
New-lighted on a heaven-kissing hill;
A combination and a form indeed,
Where every god did seem to set his seal,
To give the world assurance of a man:
This was your President. Look you now, what follows:
Here is your President. Have you eyes?
Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,
And batten on this moor? Ha! have you eyes?
You cannot call it love; for at your age
The hey-day in the blood is tame, it's humble,
And waits upon the judgment: and what judgment
Would step from this to this? Sense, sure, you have,
Else could you not have motion; but sure, that sense
Is apoplex'd; for madness would not err,
Nor sense to ecstasy was ne'er so thrall'd
But it reserved some quantity of choice,
To serve in such a difference. What devil was't
That thus hath cozen'd you at hoodman-blind?

Big Ass Calamari

If you ever watch Disney cartoons, the most trouble a tentacled creature can cause is the occasional face suction of Donald while fishing, or Goofy while water skiing.

Yeah, there's the giant squid in 20000 Leagues, and Ursula the sea witch is part octopus, but I see those as aberrations. I mean, the Japanese eat LIVE octopii, and they don't seem to suffer one way or another. Unless you count their sex-pervert comic books, but I hardly think that's the fault of an octopus or squid.

Recently, it's come to my horrified attention that octopii are the smartest creatures, excluding mammals (Mammals rule!) in the wide sea. Now as you watchTHISvideo, I challenge you to think on our friend the giant squid (Caught on Film in it's natural habitat for the first time in history, and pictured above) who can grow to be over 100 feet in length

100 feet. Sperm whales are attacked by these guys.

The Los Angeles Blackout of 2005

The city of Los Angeles descended into lawlessness earlier this week as a power outage swept through the poorest neighborhoods of Los Angeles, causing devastation. The effects of the Power Outage Jeff's wrath were felt all along the southland from Burbank to Huntington Beach. Ted disrupted TV watching throughout Los angeles and the American Red Cross is asking people to donate tapes of Cops, the View, and Maury. People were caught off guard as the suddeness and furor of Jeff took its toll on the elderly and infirmed, and jobless.

"I was going to only drink HALF my frappucino and then put it in the freezer."
Said longtime Larchmont resident
"Now i have to finish it. I'm not sure what's going to happen."

Frappucinos weren't the only ones affected. The beverly center became a trap for hundreds of shoppers as Air conditioning went out despite the building's generators kicking in. Reports are hazy but at least two waifs were treated for sweating.

The true horror of Blackout Jeff developed as dozens of refugees swarmed to the Staples Center where police describe utter chaos as bathroom attendants ran out of mints, and cell phone coverage became "Spotty".

Beverly Hills, we are glad to say remained unnafected by the outage. The city's homeless run power generators can keep the Rodeo area running for at least two weeks, provided they shoot anyone trying to enter city limits, which they may do anyway.

DEVO: The Next Generation

DEVO: The Next Generation
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

5th graders in Minnesota.

Whip it!

The happiest place on earth...FOR DEATH

Ok, I've been holding out on you. The weekend preceding my birthday I took a little trip with my brother and his girlfriend. I've been hesitating admitting to this, because I wasn't sure if I could EVER hope to recount in vivid enough detail the pallid, puffy extravaganza of neo gothic/industrial nerdery that filled Disneyland on what is known amongst certain acne prone circles as….BATS DAY (Minor Chord Struck Violently on a rusty pipe organ).

On a day that I assume holds some sort of celestial importance for being prone to gay paradox, my brother, myself, and his girlfriend, all clad in summertime pastels and shorts. Found ourselves in the Happiest Place on earth surrounded by unhealthy looking people in makeup and leather.

Behold! Herr Spritz! Master of darkness! And the most homoertically charged teenage boy ever to don a military uniform. Kindly note the grim stares of his eeeevil wenches as they pose by the drug induced portrait of ALICE!


Despite the obvious retardation and futility of wearing a leather corset in 100 degree weather, and then riding on splash mountain, or the fact that your makeup tends to run when you sweat like a hog in line to big thunder mountain. What was truly freakish wasn't so much the goth/industrial teens running (They don't really run do they? Moping? Is that the word? Lurching Perhaps?) around the park, but the horrible clash of cultures when older Goths who had bred, met face to face with the other freakishly clad families from the Midwest.

Picture with me, 200lb momma, 200lb Poppa, and their eight year old twin boys weighing in at a Buck fifty each. Wearing shorts, mouse ears, and NASCAR Tees. Now watch as they wait in Line next to 200 lb Momma in a schoolgirl outfit, 50lb Poppa in Neo's Outfit from the matrix, and their infant Gothling sportin a Mohawk, and black fingernail polish at the ripe age of two. To me, equally grotesque and chilling examples of people who never really grew out of a phase. Whatever the case, here we were all three groups at Disneyland. All of us laughing, spending money, and having a happy wholesome time at the happiest place on Earth. Kudos to the Disney company for achieving such inclusiveness at the risk of alienating the lame.

As for my nerdy, puffy, pasty, lords of darkness. The pierced, studded, chained, sickly, needy denizens of satan. You may be my mortal enemies on the outside, but in the line to Space Mountain, we are all six year olds standing on our tiptoes making sure we are tall enough to ride.

Happy Berfday to us!

The Late Hillbilly Musician Conway Twitty Would be 72 Y'all


The Late Boston Blockbuster Rocky Marciano would be 82. Adrian!


Lilly Tomlin Completes 66 Ringy Dingys


Rythm is gonna get Gloria Estefan at 48

Barry Gibb is staying alive at 59


Dr, Phill is still waiting to rot in hell at 55


And with an optimistic eye to the future and team Zissou behind me, I'm 29....GACK!

It's Scientific Fact

einstein999
Originally uploaded by larrysf.

My uncle and my dad often get to arguing when we visit my Right-Wing, Fundamentalist, Evangelical family in Los Gatos (San Jose). My cousins and I understand the futility of these arguments, so the "Kids" stay away from the conversations, but very often my uncle and dad get pretty heated. Ultimately I've learned a few things about how the conservative christian mind works:

1. A fetus is more important than a felon or a foreigner

2. Dinosaurs and man Coexisted, Jonah was Swallowed by a whale that is now extinct

3. Saddam does/did have WMDs and they are buried in the Desert. He and Osama are buddies.

4. Gay people are gay by choice, and can be ungayed through prayer.

5. Hollywood is terrible for poking fun at the midwest in About Schmidt, but is Hillarious for making fun of itself in Sideways.

I think whenever I start hearing our families squabble about extinct mega whales that swallow mythical prophets I'll just break into this song.

It's Scientific Fact

R.I.P.H.S.T

R.I.P.H.S.T
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

My good friend and mentor HST was scattered in across the mountains of Colorado in a ceremony last Saturday. From a Friend in attendace, the party was a good time for everyone. Long enough after Hunter's first big bang, to allow all the melancholy to sink to the bottom, and allow the happy memories to float to the top.

It gives me pause. This Morning on NPR i was listening to a man who wrote and helps other old people write their obituaries. Remembrance is an interesting thing, and Hunter has no doubt achieved his immortality, but what about the rest of us? I read not long ago about a Pittsburgh man who was such a Steelers fan that he had himself propped up on a recliner with his jersey, for part of the wake.

Personally, I want to be sat in the audience. just propped up on a pew or whatever, as my freinds eulogise me they can see my grinning corpse.

Then, I wany my skull removed and cleaned, and donated to the UNC theater department for use in productions of Hamlet.

I want my ashes scattered on Invesco Field at Mile High, and I want a tombstone in L.A that reads:

"Here Lies Alf LaMont Who Died Heroically While Saving his Family from angry Zulus in the Natal Province
1976-1879"

I want that tombstone somwhere with a lot of foot traffic so people get creeped out thinking they are stepping on my grave while in reality my final resting place is in the heels and cleats of those damn Broncos who better win another superbowl before I die.

Just some thoughts.

His noodly glory unto thee...

As you know, the backwards bumpkins of the Kansas school board have decided to force unto their students the preposterous theory of intelligent design as part of the science curriculum. In response, a youngster named Bobby Henderson has created a religion based on a Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the whole thing has snowballed brilliantly into an Anti Intelligent design movement. The

site

is pretty clever as well.
Ask yourself WWFSMD?

Update:
Please take a moment to check out the

incredibly simplistic and ignorant website

created by world class RETARD "Dr." Ken Holvind.
Pay particular attention to the appearnce schedule for Aug 28.

That's right folks.. I was raised amongst them.

Oh Christ No! No! Put it Away! Why God?

carrottop

As if he weren't tragic enough.
As if his strange eyebrow plucking in the style of Gloria Swanson, didn't make him a total freak.
I'm sure he's got some hilarious prop to describe steroid use.

Finally! A Match for Hercules the Liger

Hot DAMN!!!!
Originally uploaded by macslost.

I'm usually for the imminent pulverisation of unwanted wildlife, but i have to say its a crime and a shame that those hilbillys in FLA couldn't see this animal as a delicious freak of nature that should be captured and oggled at by people with no teeth, not blasted away by some bumpkin.

Orlando
June 16, 2005


Titusville - Anita and Charlie Rogers could hear the bellowing in the night. Her neighbors had been telling them that they had seen a giant alligator in the waterway that runs behind their house, but they dismissed the stories as exaggerations. "I didn't believe it," Charles Rogers said. Friday they realized the stories were, if anything, understated. Florida Parks and Wildlife game wardens had to shoot the beast. Joe Goff, a game warden with the Florida Parks and Wildlife Department, walks past a 13-foot, 1-inch alligator that he shot and killed in their back yard.