Crappy Coffee

Gourmands and connoisseurs of incredible edibles will be happy to hear that Peter Jones, the well established London department store is presently selling cat-dung coffee at almost $100 a pop.

Kopi Luwak, or "Luwak Coffee" is coffee made from coffee beans that have been eaten by a Luwak. Regular coffee cherries are hand picked and the flesh of the berry is removed by mechanical means. When a coffee cherry is eaten by a Luwak the flesh is removed through digestion in the stomach of the Luwak, and the beans are collected after they have passed out of the Luwak.

What precisely is a Luwak?

Its a mixture between a cat and a mongoose, that lives in Sumatra and thereabouts. SARS anyone?

Check it out HERE if you're lookin for a hot, steaming cup of Poop/Joe.

A Menudo

I consider myself a bit of a culinary dandy. An epicurean fop if you will, but certainly not a food snob. I was brought up in a house with too many Brussels Sprouts and Cauliflower, and simply no Velveeta. My youth was spent in a losing battle against liver and beets, and with the fascist motto "Fragen Sie, was es ist, nachdem Sie es essen" which loosely translates to "You may ask what it is, only after you ingest it." With this motto, my parents forged the complex palate that i possess today. Able to consume Oaxacan crickets, Stinky Cheeses, and Super Sized meals and enjoy them deeply. It was during a session of similar foodie bragging that I found myself confronted with the question "What don't you eat?". I thought at length. My immediate reaction is to proclaim my hatred for black licorice. Anis, Anisette, whatever the hell you want to call it, I hate it. I'll drink it, or ingest it, but with hate in my heart for the flavor starved medieval bumpkins who decided to gag down this garbage in the first place. A shame really, that Absinthe insists on using said flavor. But surely that is not it. I'm sure there's something else i can't stomach. Truth be told, I take great pride in forcing myself to enjoy certain foods i have previously found distasteful. I see a dislike of a food as a shortcoming of my own and not a fault of the comestible in question. I have as of recent conquered my former nemesis Cole Slaw, and Root Beer also fell to the more forgiving palate of my third decade. Yes, I am a man content to shove any old thing down his gullet.

I do however, have a gripe- with tripe.

Its not that the flavor offends. Its not even the appalling honeycomb texture and the bristles. God knows if texture and appearance were the defining vote of consumption, then oysters and hot dogs would be exempt my gorging, and they most certainly are not. So if not the flavor or the appearance and texture, then what is it? Why Alf? Why won't you eat tripe? The world wants to know!!

Well, I don't like fighting with my food. Chewing through tripe is one the most awful, time-consuming acts of flavorless banality you could sit down and inflict on yourself.

Take Menudo:



The famed Mexican dish was made popular as a hangover cure in rural Mexico. My guess is that the undigestible bits of rubbery gut served as some sort of sponge for much of the leftover pulque from the previous night's fiesta. Regardless, I am convinced that the ingestion of this strange dish was more out of necessity than an actual taste for chunks of tripe. I feel perfectly comfortable in lumping all tripe dishes, worldwide into the category of inedible nonsense. I do offer one caveat. Andouille, Andouillette and Butifarra are sausages that contain tripe, and as we all know as long as its in an edible animal casing ALL food is game.

There are a few other foods I consider fighters that I am sometimes wary of eating. Razzberries, Blackberries, and certain nuts are such a hassle to eat because of their seeds or casing, that i sometimes think twice beofre noshing on them. Tripe however, I downright avoid. The day tripe is tasty, I'll chew it down like a meaty gummy worm, but no amount of lime juice and cilantro will ever be enough for me to sit at a bowl of Menudo for hours trying to hock back that rubbery mess.

The most noble bird...

As is the tradition during this time of year, the noblest of birds is prepared and stuffed. As we can see from the picture, the Turkey has always held a very special place in American folklore, being an astute bird with obvious political proclivities.
It was Ben Franklin, who first noted the Turkey as being fowl with a fondness for freedom.


"For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen the Representative of our Country. He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly. You may have seen him perched on some dead Tree near the River, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labour of the Fishing Hawk; and when that diligent Bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Bald Eagle pursues him and takes it from him.

"With all this Injustice, he is never in good Case but like those among Men who live by Sharping & Robbing he is generally poor and often very lousy. Besides he is a rank Coward: The little King Bird not bigger than a Sparrow attacks him boldly and drives him out of the District. He is therefore by no means a proper Emblem for the brave and honest Cincinnati of America who have driven all the King birds from our Country . . .

"I am on this account not displeased that the Figure is not known as a Bald Eagle, but looks more like a Turkey. For the Truth the Turkey is in Comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America . . . He is besides, though a little vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on."

So make sure you stuff the defender of freedom with the best stuffing possible:

My Mom's Famous Recipe

1 cup melted butter
1 1/2 cups chopped onions
1 1/2 cups chopped celery
6 cups diced, tart apples (green/old granny)
2 teaspoons of salt
1 cup sugar
6 cups of small bread crumbs (herb seasoned)

In large pan combine butter, apples, celery and onions. Sprinkle with salt and sugar. Cook for 10 minutes until apples are browned all over. Add bread cubes.
Yields 12 cups.

"De mi propia cosecha

si haces el doble, no dobles la sal, a lo mejor la mitad pero primero pruebalo. Toma mas de 10 minutos a que agarren color las manzana, al menos en Colorado. Una vez que este todo revuelto incluyendo pan, le pones ya sabes que. Vino blanco, siempre cocina con vino barato. Abusado con el vino si le pones mucho te queda muy aguado.

Si tu vas a rellenar el pavo, antes de poner el relleno untas adentro del pavo mantequilla con seasoned salt y sage y tambien afuera. Abusado con la sal."

Now stuff it, you turkeys.

Vich vay to..

Denne helg , JEG fikk det fabelaktig opportunity av være til stede sønnene av Norge Norrona Bo , helårlig Ludefisk middagen. Nu gjelder det , dem av du hvem ikke gjør det vite , Jeg har forsynt det fulgte liten forlagsreklame på hva Ludefisk er , og hvor det er fremstilt :

Lutefisk is made from air-dried whitefish (normally cod, but ling is also used), prepared with lye, in a sequence of particular treatments. The first treatment is to soak the stockfish in cold water for five to six days (with the water changed daily). The saturated stockfish is then soaked in an unchanged solution of cold water and lye for an additional two days. The fish will swell during this soaking, attaining an even larger size than in its original (undried) state, while its protein content decreases by more than 50 percent, producing its famous jelly-like consistency. When this treatment is finished, the fish (saturated with lye) has a pH value of 11–12, and is therefore caustic. To make the fish edible, a final treatment of yet another four to six days of soaking in cold water (also changed daily) is needed. Eventually, the lutefisk is ready to be cooked.
In Finland, the traditional reagent used is birch ash. It contains high amounts of potassium carbonate and hydrocarbonate, giving the fish more mellow treatment than sodium hydroxide (lyestone). It is important not to incubate the fish too long in the lye, because saponification of the fish fats may occur, effectively rendering the fish fats into soap. The term for such spoiled fish in Finnish is saippuakala (soap fish).

Deilig Ludfisk!

The famed Nowregian Duo of Jokes, Ole and Lena had this Hi-Larious zinger to contribute to the already vast pantheon of over the top Norse hilarity:

"Well, we tried the lutefisk trick and the raccoons went away, but now we've got a family of Norwegians living under our house!"

HAHAHAHAHAH! Oh man, that Ole and Lena. Funny cuz its too true.

So, as you can see, a lot of time goes into the savaging of fish and making of Lutefisk/Ludefisk. However, the abuse is not limited to the fish. Nanay, the test of your Norse will is tested by the lodgemen with a drink that is used as an aperif and lamp fuel.

AKVAVIT: Akvavit, like vodka, is distilled from either potato or grain. It is flavoured with herbs such as caraway seeds, anise, dill, fennel, coriander, and grains of paradise. The Danish distillery Aalborg makes an akvavit distilled with amber. The recipe and flavors differ between brands, but typically caraway is the dominating flavour.

Drikk Akvavit , for en hårete brystkasse.

The meal was pleasant, churchy, fun. Kids and old people, all vaguely attached to vikings and Norway, gathering as a community to prove to themselves and their Neighbors that they too have an appetitete for tradition and inedible cuisine.

In other words, it was, precisely what I had hoped. As for my adventureous palate, well let's just say I wouldn't seek out Lutefisk, but should it present itself, I will not turn it away. As for Norwegians and their desendants, I'd gladly seek them out, despite their culinary shortcomings.