What The Hell is Wrong With Chuck E. Cheese?

Ronald McDonald is a dork. There's no two ways about it, as this street ad from Japan well indicates.
No matter how "Dope" Ronald tries to be, he's still the doofy clown that Ray Kroc mistakenly assumed would appeal to children.

Bless his yellow-jump-suited soul, no amount of guitar slinging, or even a long sleeved T-shirt version of his smock can hide the inherent dorkiness, and his general lack of appeal to teenage asian girls. So what the hell is wrong with Chuck E.Cheese? For those of us who were fortunate enough to enjoy all incarnations of Chuck E. Cheese and the whole Pizza/Video Games/ Animatronics franchise thingy, We were familiar with Chuck, and a Weird Badger/Bear hybrid named "Billy Bob" who inhabited Showbiz Pizza Franchises only.
As a kid, I remember longing for the slick character I knew as Chuck E. Cheese. The Nightmarish Billy-Bob, with his one-tooth and his improvised instruments were only indicative of the podunk nature of my town. Having experienced the glory of Chuck in larger, and obviously more deserving cities, I knew what we were missing.

For those of you who have NO IDEA of what I'm pining for, check this out.


This is the Old-school Chuck E. Cheese logo. Atop the old-timey marquis stands a Bowler Hat donning, red vested rodent named Chuck-E. Cheese. That's right, the Chuck I knew wore a red bowler hat. Not fashionable, by any means, but there you had it. In 198whatever, people didn't run around in red bowlers, wearing vests. In fact, I'm pretty sure bowlers were generally discontinued around the great depression, when most people ate theirs. But, what the hey! I mean if you can pass off vermin and food together, you might as well dress it old-timey so as to take away the whole "Infestation" feel to the place.

So if you are a pizza company, and you have the audacity to make this RAT your mascot, you dress it in clothes reminiscent of a time where bubonic plague was not yet eradicated, and people aren't running away in absolute terror, why mess with a winning formula? The answer is simple. You do it, because you are fucking retarded.

The geniuses at The Chuck/Billy-Bob/Show-Biz/Pizza/ Foot-Smell/ HQ, decided that their INSANE Rat-mascot, needed an update. So rather than present the clean cut look of a rat on a bowler a vest and bow tie, they opted for a more "Urban" and "Youthful" look to their Vermin mascot. The result was a nauseating mix of what fifty-year olds thought kids were like in the early nineties, and clothes designed by child-labor in Vietnam.

Christ, it gives me the dry heaves just to look at it.
So let me get this straight. Yu took a classic character and gave it what? A Skull Cap? What is that? A purple rodent Yarmulke? Oh no! I see! It's a baseball cap! Backwards. A Backwards baseball cap. Right. As worn by who? Old-timey garbage men?
Fine. you chose the dipshit headgear, but what the hell? Green? Fuck you! Green AND purple? with Driving gloves? What the hell man? So he's a garbage man, who drives the truck and belongs to team C? Obviously people complained. Which is why the same team of clueless fucktards came up with the brand new look that Chuck sports today!

Nice. Again that backwards cap we love so well, though mercifully it isn't a skullcap anymore. Still belonging to to team "C" but now, more aware and with the times, sporting "Fat-Person" Jeans, to blend in with the kids and, some pink sneakers for the gays. Chuck, look at Ronald. Now look at yourself. Ronald is wearing a yellow one-piece, striped socks and kabuki makeup, and he still looks like a badass. His look , iconic. Your look , Midwest casual circa 95'.