Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Worst case scenario...

Last night my brother and I were discussing the Republican candidates for the presidency, and were argufying as to which were the most offensive, and which would be the least destructive should they somehow gain a foothold on the white-house, through their hilarious bumbling.

So here it is, a Liberal ranking of the Republican candidates from most offensive to least.

1. Ron Paul ( Grand Dragon Paultard)


Why he's better than Bush: Anti-War, Anti Surveillance, Demands fiscal responsibility

Why he's still Fucked up: Anti Choice, Anti Gay, Pro-Gold Standard, Racist

His lunatic followers may all be ready to guzzle the Kool Aid, but don't let their "Evolution/Revolution" bullshit fool you. This guys has written in racist publications, been endorsed by Neo Nazis, and voted in a backwards manner, that makes even your everyday Jesus Freaks look temperate, and your workaday Republican hypocrisy look tame. His followers are always quick to make excuses for him, when White Supremacists give him their endorsement, or when you look at his anti woman, anti gay voting record. Why make excuses? Why not just not align yourself with Neo Nazis? Sure, every politician has weirdo supporters, but Ron Paul's nut job supporters are a little to Nutty and a little too close for comfort.

Choice Vids:

NAZIS Explaining why they love Ron

Tim Russert Exposing some cute Hypocrisy

2. Rudy Giulianni (9iu11iani)


Why he's better than Bush: Supposedly Gay-Friendly, Supposedly Pro-Choice, Supposedly for Gun Control,

Why he's still fucked up: Supposedly Gay-Friendly, Supposedly Pro-Choice, Supposedly for Gun Control,

9iu11iani's record as generalissimo of NYC speaks for itself. Being able to "clean up" a city while only mildly abusing power and trouncing civil liberties is one thing, but translating that to the national stage is another. Rudy has been proven time and again to be a an egomaniac with despotic tendencies. Couple those tendencies with stomach churning-infidelities, and an ability for pandering that would make Dick Cheney blush, and we have ourselves THE DECIDER2.0. This is the man who spoke at abortion rights rallies in the 90's and then sought Pat Robertson's endorsement. I know, 9/11, 9/11...

Choice Vids:

Crossdressing Prez

What do you plan to do about crime?

3. Mike Huckabee (Teh Huckbeez)


Why he's better than Bush: Isn't too keen on the death penalty, understands the need for social programs, not too keen on Iraq

Why he's still fucked up: Former Baptist Preacher, Anti Choice, Anti Woman, Anti Gay, Anti-Science, Anti AIDS Victims

Teh Huckbeez is a likable man. he lost weight, he plays the guitar, he's got a pleasant drawl, he's appeared on Colbert numerous times. Unfortunately behind the seemingly self-conscious yokel, lies a Born Again who would make you wish he hadn't been in the first place. Along with the common Jesusy notions that women should be subservient to their husbands, and that AIDS patients should be quarantined, Teh Huckbeez also suggested we stop allowing Illegals from Pakistan from flooding our country and taking our jobs, in response to questions about the current crisis in Pakistan. "Aw, shit. All Browns People is bad anyways. Let's bomb Mexistan!" Sorry, but we already had one hillbilly president.

Choice Vids:

National Igloo

Radical Cleric

4. Fred Thompson (Frederick of Hollywood)


Why he's better than Bush: Uhhh...

Why he's still fucked up: Ummm...

Who the hell IS this guy? By all accounts he's a lazy worker, has accomplished nothing politically, and he'll be dead in a year. Are the Repubs so desperate that they are willing to trot out any mediocre actor just for the memory of Reagan? Why not trot out Reagan's corpse? It'll probably have a better work ethic.

Choice Vids:

Nixon on Fred

There's No Business

5. Mitt Romney (Mittens)


Why he's better than Bush: Supposedly Gay-Friendly, Supposedly Pro-Choice, Supposedly for Gun Control, Supposedly Opposed to the War,

Why he's still fucked up: Supposedly Gay-Friendly, Supposedly Pro-Choice, Supposedly for Gun Control, Supposedly Opposed to the War,

I don't think Mittens is a bad man, but he is a simple man who does not seem to think clearly and has obviously sold out many of his views to be elected one way or another. The result is someone who wants to be elected, because he thinks he should. Not because he believes in anything, not because he has good ideas. It Smacks too much of Dubya.

Choice Vids:

Mittens Vs. Teddy

A Wide Stanced Endorsement

6. John McCain (Walnuts!)


Why he's better than Bush: Is he? In the 2000 campaign he ran as the anti-bush and nearly won the Republican nomination. Then, he capitulated. Why? Is the straight talking McCain still in there?

Why he's still fucked up: He's been the mouthpiece for the Bush administration for so long, he may have forgotten his centrist roots.

Walnuts is so sad. Walnuts was a centrist who made sense and appealed to both sides. He talked no nonsense and had an admirable record. Then Walnuts went apeshit. He's been the biggest supporter of the current administration of any of the candidates and he's so old and crazy that he's said things like "Bomb Iran" and "Tar Baby". Fuck almighty! Is Walnuts the Manchurian candidate? Did Karl Rove break him? Too sad, too old, too bad.

Choice Vids:

Straight Talk


Let's just take a look at the Republican field one more time, folks!


Thank god I'm a Democrat.

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