Cruise Control

So freaking funny.

Ok, I'm done. Enough about that midget and his cult.

But ohhh man, that's funny.

Tomkat, Jacko, and Other Trite Obsessions

This month was a banner month for the trite obsessions and interests of the american populace..For starters the giggling, grinning, self- obsessed heap of motherlove known as Tom Cruise, has proposed to the doe eyed, b-lister formerly known as Katie Holmes (From this point on we will refer to her as Scientology Soul-Pod #49866 or 49866 for short). Kate and her diminuitive fiancee' have been stomping around the world in a toothy, mid-life crisis tour, spreading the gospel according to lunatic, and showing the rest of the world what hollywood already knew- That Tom Cruise is a gay dwarf with a science fiction fetish, who has no sense of humor. To boot, the much ballyhooed abroad but, hmmm...strangely neglected at home film starring the very scientologist of our dreams, has today announced that no critics will be allowed to see it untill it goes on wide release. Translation: Not even L. Ron Hubbard can save this turkey. I mean the film, not Tommy.

However, the official jumping of the shark by a once respected, but now bewildered and increasingly militant sex symbol wasn't enough, oh no, the trannie queen of pop himself made huge news this month. How badly must your career be going , when beating a charge of pederasty is considered a victory? Did the defense prove that Jacko was not a drooling pervert? No. Instead, the prosecution proved that the defendant and his family were bigger weasels than the famous Giant Weasel of Aberdeen. How can a DA base his entire case on a woman who put a finger into Wendy's chili? Not the same scam artist you say? Then you missed the point,and need to take a lap. Couple this with the hillarious hillbilly antics of Britney and Kevin "I'm gonna be a momma y'all!", and the ever shrinking binge and purge Richie/Lohan/Olsen hydra, and its enough to make you want to lick an outlet.

What truly shocks me is the amount of interest that the public seems to devote to these small-bus personalities, with Bentley wallets, and Hummer egos. Yes, me included. But I have two things going for me. Firstly I have the industry excuse, whereI need to be in touch with how the public sways in order to keep an edge in my phone-answering and copy-making. And secondly, i need to feed my inner bitch. However, what does the double stuff'd, chocolate dipped, peanut butter Oreo, demographic, care if Pauly Shore is dating Jenna Bush or not (Their publicists, have not returned my calls). I learned a shocking statistic from Bill "I'm gonna be a momma y'all!" Moyers. The gap between the rich and poor in this country, is equal to the gap in 1928. Ok, let's review a little history for those of you who tuned out when I invoked Bill Moyers.

1776: U.S is born
1928: Great Depression
2005: Tom Cruise gets engaged to Katie Holmes

The fact is, that this country is in a crisis. More debt, more inequality, more violence, more intolerance, annd the people who it affects the most sit idly by and suck the stuffing out of a hot-pocket with a straw. This lack of involvement and outrage, will affect the people who are blind to it the most. The people who's kids will be kept from college because of prohibitive costs. The people who will need social security because their savings were swallowed by credit-card debt, and hometown buffet. The people who will need medicare and medicaid, and even larger more inclusive socialised medicine because they developed diabetes after LOOKING at a Dominos Cheeseburer Pizza, and the Shamrock shake at McDonalds. I do sense that things will be getting a lot worse before they get better. Gas is supposed to climb to $3.00 this summer, we have an endless war on our hands, the number of kids killed in Iraq is about to equal the WTC death count, our economy is floundering, joblessness is up, and most terrifyingly, Paris Hilton is getting married. Jesus Christ, where's the defense of marriage act when you need it?

KNOW YOUR ENEMY!

Ok, I never liked cats. I have two cats that I come in close contact wth, and both are mildly cute, but at the end of the day no freaking way. For starters, they are dirty. There's an inherent toxicity and grossness about cats. Worms, fleas, FIV (Feline HIV) , it's a mess. Then you get the attitude, the claws with the "Cat Scratch Fever". What is that? I had a friend who's own cat BIT her, and she had to be hospitalised from the ensuing infection. I have frinds with scars from the nasty scratches of their animals, who also scrape around in their poop. Why is it not ok to have dog feces or human feces indoors, but t's ok to have cat poop lying in sand. And when is it time to clean the litter box? When it stinks. Awesome. I have always commented on this to the thorough poo-pooing of people who love their cats, but now....aha! I have it!

PROOF at long last that those hacking vicious disease ridden animals are detrimental to your health.

The things done in thy name.

For Blog Readers Only

I thought I'd let people know who deserve to. Following my friend Kenny's line of thought, I have moved, up. I will be living in a gorgeous place, in a better neighborhood, with finer ameneties. No one knows that I'll probably be able to move in next week. I'll leave it as a suprise for my non blog reader friends.

Jesus H. Christ!

My dear cousin is getting married this weekend. Though I love him, and our families are close, there has always been a slight rift in our belief systems. They are right wing Jesus freaks, we read books. Crazy thing is, today of all days i came across some pretty severe Jesus stuff. Please Enjoy the preachings of the Landover Baptist Church. And then quickly follow suit with this video of Appalachian Snake /Jesus People. The Money Shot is when the preacher gets bitten near the end, though the entire thing is worth a look-see simply for the anthropological value.


Suffer not a woman to teach nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence.
1 Timothy 2:12-15

Addendum: In case you think only Appalachian and Southern Baptist Customs are a bit screwy, take a moment to read THIS ARTICLE, courtesy of my buddy Dave.

The Disenfrachisedator

Last Night, in lieu of watching LORDS OF DOGTOWN with a sultry starlet as I was promised, I went through the emotional equivalent of cutting myself (In the style of a teenage goth chick), and had a lovely dinner with my ex girlfriend. It was a pleasant affair. No punches were thrown, there were no major insults or injuries, and the evening ended with the viewing of the excellent Documentary DOGTOWN AND Z BOYS. This wonderful piece tells the story of The Zephyr Skateboarding team, and the advent of modern skateboarding. A wonderful story that revels in a special place and a special time where young people changed a sport and a subculture was born…riveting stuff. In the middle of this luscious documentary, in the throes of free summers, long hair, and unbridled youth, appeared the enormous block head of one Henry Rollins. Who the hell is this guy? Why on earth did he get two minutes to discuss how he likes skateboarding. His appearance in this documentary was the most trite, useless moment, but there he was! Veins a-bulging, eyes a-blazing. This man obviously feels he has much to say, and does he ever. His IMDB credits list a HUGE number of films he’s done… none of which I recall seeing, much less seeing his beefy melon in them. So ok…he’s not an actor per se. So what is he? I sat through a bit of his soon to be embarrassingly brushed aside program on IFC: Henry’s Film Corner. He reviews films with the insight of an angry Minnesota teen.
“THIS HAS NO PLOT!” He’ll exclaim. “I TRIED TO FIND IT AND IT WAS NOT THERE!”
Bravo captain subtle. Score one more for the tattooed intellect of Henry the Filiminator. Truth be told, he possesses the clout of a Star-Wars nerd who lined up at the wrong theater. So , ok we can agree a serious film critic he is not. But I did learn that he postures a heavy amount. He represents himself as an extreme sort of outsider, like a WWE wrestler that stands for …er… outsiderness. We’ll call him the Disenfrachisedator. Ok so, he’s really intense and certainly has much to say…about music? He has a show on a favorite local radio station. Granted I listen to that station often and hadn’t realized it, but nonetheless he was the front man for the band Black Flag. A punk/body-building band of the eighties that sort of began that whole punk/body-building craze…ahem. So he writes poetry that no one’s ever heard, and he yells. I think that’s the gist of it. Henry is angry, and disenfranchised, and frighteningly tattooed, and muscle-bound therefore he has his own show. It’s a cunning combination, you see? I’m angry and disenfranchised, but not tattooed or even remotely muscled. Hence not qualified. Likewise, Barbara Bush is muscled and tattooed, but not dejected or upset…no TV show for her.

I’ve come to realize that certain combinations work in Hollywood in absence of a marketable skill. For Paris it’s the lethal combo of money, slutiness, and idiocy. For George Lopez it’s being Hispanic and not employed as a gardener, along with his goofy eyes (Gawd aren’t they hilarious?). For Andy Dick it’s unbridled gayness, a coke addiction, and eyeglasses (because they’re disarming) . And for Henry, it’s pissed of musculature under the guise of depth that will pay his way into a comfy retirement. As for his show on IFC, I recommend that if you ever drink solo, and are looking for a fight, you turn your cable box to IFC and allow Henry to threaten you till either you put your fist through the screen, or pass out, exhausted by the intensity of the nothingness that is Henry Rollins.

I pray he can’t read.

On a more whimsical note, I found more pictures of Hercules the LIGER. Does a TIGON have skills in magic as well?