Friday, August 10, 2012

Reach out to Conservatives Before They Become Totally Insane at Their Convention.

Hip hip! Hey hey! It's only a week or so before we descend into the sweaty, Day-Quil nightmare, of a Tampa Florida Republican National Convention. Not sure if any of you remember the last one of these hoe downs but i'm fairly certain that it was a pretty cantankerous affair even without the swamp ass inducing climate. The only moment that really stands out in my head from the last RNC was the chant of "Drill Baby, Drill!" echoing through the hall as crowds were whipped into a frenzy by the appearance of recently betrothed teen parents, Bristol (TV) Palin and Levi (Johnson) Johnston, who still had the whiff of teen lust on them. After that it was just a series of horny seniors rambling and acting like the Bush-Era never happened. President W. Bush himself was "unable" to attend as hurricane Gustav threatened to remind people of Katrina, so in his stead they rolled out his lifelike lady Laura Bush and the sad clown, Joe Lieberman. It was tragic and awful in a Detroit Lions superfan sort of way.  Oddly though, the soporific broadcast was a HUGE contrast to the actual crowd at the Xcel center, where something akin to A Clockwork Orange style mental rehab descended on these darling old people in their silly hats. It was at this moment that the Republican party cemented itself as the "F**k You, I'm Eating" party. A fall from the halcyon days of being the "Hold my beer, watch this." party of Reagan. I fear that if this trend continues, the Republican party will have devolved into the party of "Grrr. Gay.", and not much else.

 There's no reason to think this is avoidable. I heard today that the pink and pudgy Newt Gingrich and the frothy Rick Santorum will be speaking at this thing and Donald Trump has threatened appear. Probably doing something awful and tacky because, hey, it's Donald Trump. The question is, can anything be done before this final descent into madness? Can we rescue any of our right-leaning friends and family before they become an episode of Honey Boo Boo on TLC?

 We must try. As the loser John Kerry said, "The high road is not always the easiest way, but it is the right way." Or something like that. So here are my humble suggestions for reaching out to people before the RepCon 2012 1860.

 1. Stop calling them names like "stupid" or "redneck".

Those terms are offensive to illiterate bumpkins and it lumps all wingnuts into the yokel demo, which we know isn't true. We must be mindful that the Republican party is a diverse group of crotchety white people. Heartless Bankers and Closeted Preachers hate to be called "Stupid Redneck" and calling them that is not at all constructive.

2. Find Common Ground. 

We can all agree that The Avengers was awesome, right? We can also all agree that sick people shouldn't be left to die because they are poor, right? Ok. Well, The Avengers was pretty awesome though.

3. Don't Mock Their Beliefs. 

"The world was created in 7 days" "There are still WMDs hidden in the sands of Iraq" "There's no such thing as global warming" All those things sound so incredibly stupid to us that it's mind boggling. I mean it's almost inconceivably dumb to believe those things. There are parasitic worms in the Amazon who know better than that. No matter how backwards or stupid their beliefs, it is not constructive to mock people for being purposely ignorant to actual facts.

4. Offer Them Gay Sex. 

Stay with me on this one. I know gays. I have often spoken to them and I watched The Birdcage the other night. Of the gays i know, none are as obsessed with gay sex as the Republicans seem to be. Actually, only one is, but only when he drinks. The logical conclusion to take from the gaysex fixation of the GOP is that they all want it desperately. They need it. So take a wide stance, and kindly offer. You needn't go out of your way to actually act on the offer, but you will probably have some good blackmail material.

5. Plead. 

Tell your conservo-pal them that you understand the importance of sticking to principle, that you understand their passion, you admire their ability to remain steadfast and you would welcome an honest debate. Remind them of the unseemly hoots and hollers of the republican primaries, the "You Lie" outbursts, and the ugly and racially tinged birthers. Point out that they are the party of Lincoln and that the obstructionist Tea Party crew in the house are doing them a disservice. Remind them they are better than all this garbage. Plead with them not to be a part of a party who is poised to nominate a man who stands for nothing other than being elected. Show them video of Mitt Romney saying anything and point out his uncomfortable demeanor and his dead eyes. At the very least, you'll get them to accept that Mitt Romney has no moral compass, and as we all know, acceptance is the first step to recovery.

No comments:

Bottom of Page