Smarty Pants Moustache Man: Cats: Help End a Vicious Interspecies Scam

Internet, world, take a knee. We need to have a real talk. This is one of those moments where we all have a breakthrough. Where we look at obstacles ahead and change the tide. This is that moment in Braveheart where Mel Gibson says that non antisemitic stuff and people cheer. This is that moment in Henry V where Lawrence Olivier says "We fyooo, we heppy fyoo". THIS is that moment in Independence Day when Bill Pullman inspires Randy Quaid to fly up the Alien Ship's butt and save mankind. This, by golly, is the moment we turn things around.

It has been obvious to scientists and those of us unaffected by the mind control virus, for quite some time. However, the recent surge online of puppy and dog related memes and videos is a heartening sign that the tide may be turning on the most vicious and long practiced example of intentional self infestation by a host of a vicious parasite.

I am, of course, referring to the destructive and cultish practice of cat ownership.

It is a well documented fact that cats pose a myriad of health threats. Cat owners know this. In their heart of hearts they know that every time they are emptying out the litter box, it is hastening their death. The brilliant Czech scientist Jaroslav Flegr has documented thoroughly how the parasites emitted from cats infect our brain, causing risky behavior ranging from reckless driving to downright sluttiness, and even schizophrenia. Those of you already infected by Toxoplasma Gondii will surely scoff. You'll say "Not my cat!" and that is EXACTLY what the infection does! It forces risky behavior on behalf of cats! Infected mice find the smell of cats, sexually appealing, thereby putting them at the enormous risk of loving something that might end up killing them. SOUND FAMILIAR?! Add to this horrific notion the long known effects of cat scratches and their virulent bites, and you have, in your purring, beloved kitty, a biohazard worthy of an Al qaeda plot. Not a very effective plot, mind you, but certainly up there with the explosive underwear plot.

So you are not swayed by the health argument. Your devotion to your animal far outweighs the possible health hazards. Consider the entirety of your feline human relationship by removing the furry/cute aspect thusly:

You meet someone. A very special person who you connect with (possibly because they have infected you with a mind controlling parasite) and you absolutely love them. You move in together. They barely pay attention to you. They do not work. They are not always visible, and in fact, they sleep most of the day. Your affection is sometimes greeted by a return of affection, especially at mealtimes, and other times it is greeted by violent outbursts. This person goes through a phase where they decide that they hate your furniture. They destroy your furniture. You angrily discipline this person you love. They poop on your bed or in your shoe. You reach out to them, trying kindness and finally get through to them, at which point they kill something and put it in your shoe to remind you that they can kill effortlessly.

At this point, you would be calling the cops and evicting your "special someone" if they haven't already murdered you in your sleep. Owning a cat is the equivalent of allowing a self obsessed and violent psychotic into your home.

Super villains never sit in their chairs, deep in their island fortresses, and stroke a puppy. Witchcraft rarely requires a Basset Hound's presence, and having a Chocolate Lab cross your path means very little in folklore other than the possibility of being licked, and the Lab peeing on your shoe out of sheer excitement for having met you.

"Awww, my cat is JUST LIKE a dog!"

No it isn't! You poor, idiotic, cat-puppet! Cats exist in spite of humans. Dogs exist because of humans. There aren't any feral Pugs roaming the wild! They are bred to love! Cats do not understand the concept of love! It is a cat! It will suck the breath out of you and hand it to Satan if it hasn't already!

I digress.

Ultimately, what we have here is a human failure. A vicious interspecies scam has been perpetrated on us, and our own hubris from the successful domestication of other animals blinded us to the reality of how we were being used by these psychotic beasties. Now look at us. A new cat cult rivaling that of Bastet in Egypt has arisen online. We giggle daily as Nyan Cat and LOL cats distract us from our state and in the meantime, perfectly attractive women are ruining their chances to date me, by getting cats.

So what is the solution?

Education. The fight starts in your home. I'm not suggesting you rid yourselves of your cats. I'm not a barbarian. I understand the repercussions. What i do suggest, is that you help dissuade future cat owners. Inform your friends and family about the dangers of cat ownership, and emphasize the destruction of personal property and toxic poo if need be. As more and more adorable puppy videos permeate the internet and more people are made aware that there are options to allowing wild animals into your home, the demand for and breeding of cats will decline. Eventually, the remaining population of cats in the U.S. can be shipped off to somewhere where they are in need. Like, say, Australia, where they have a tendency towards bad choices anyway, and a horrific mouse problem to boot. Then, we can turn to our children's children and speak the words of the brave, turn of the century immigrants to this great land.

"There are no cats in America, and the streets are filled with cheese"
-An American Tail (1986)