Mustache Patronage

Of all the kooky bizarre things the Catholic Church has to offer, the veneration of Saints has to be my favorite. Just like a pantheon of pagan gods, saints are assigned patronage to specific things and praying for their intervention in their area of expertise or causes of which they are the patron is a time honored tradition, in spite of common sense.

We are all familiar with Saint Patrick the patron saint of Ireland, snakes and toothaches, and of course Saint Valentine, the patron saint of affianced couples, bee keepers, engaged couples, epilepsy, fainting, greetings, happy marriages, love, lovers, plague, travelers, and young people. I know. Bee keepers, right?

Saint Nick? Patron of bankers and pawnbrokers, I shit you not.

National saints? Sure thing. England has Saint George, Scotland has Saint Andrew , Wales has Saint David. Austria gets five with Joseph, Maurice, Coloman, Leopold, and Florian. Italy tops out at six, with Bernardine of Siena, Catherine of Siena, Francis of Assisi, Our Lady of Loreto, Our Lady of Perpetual Help, and Our Lady of the Snows.
What about the U.S of A? The Blessed Virgin Mary herself is our patron, while Papua New Guinea gets St. Michael the Archangel, who also happens to be the patron Saint of Paratroopers, which is pretty badass.

The whole thing is fascinating if nothing else and you can get your saint fix anytime at CATHOLIC ONLINE .

Why all this sudden fussing about saints, you may ask? Well, after our team of four were declared "World's Greatest Santa" at the LA Santa-con yesterday for trouncing everyone in the Scavenger hunt, i figured i should refresh my knowledge of the actual Saint Nick, and see if I was wrong when I claimed he was the patron saint of beards and facial hair. Not only was I wrong, since there is no patron saint of facial hair, but i was giving the title to someone far less deserving. Saint Nick's beard holds nothing to what I stumbled on.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give ye Saint Wilgefortis.



Betrothed to a heathen king by her father, so the story goes, Wilgefortis who's name is a derivation on the latin "Virgo Fortis"or "Strong Virgin", prayed to god that she would become hideous and therefore be spared the unhappy marriage. Sad, right? So the next day, she wakes up to find that she's grown a full beard!

God is hilarious.

The pagan king is grossed out, and the marriage is cancelled. Hooray!

But Wilgefortis' dad is so pissed off that she and her god did this, that he has her crucified. Boo!

THE END

Talk about your joke backfiring, huh? You'd think God in his omnipotence could have seen that coming, right? Whatever.

The cult of Saint Wilgefortis was all sorts of popular in the middle ages, so much so that the monks at the abbey where her wooden statue was, had it plated in silver to prevent erosion from all the pilgrims kissing her feet. It is said that when a poor minstrel played at the statue, one of the silver slippers came off as a reward from the saint. Which is a nice way of saying "It was stolen". However, that explains why she has only one shoe in the statue above, but it does not explain her enormous Sasquatch feet in the same sculpture.

Needless to say,that Wilgefortis with her sad story of a heavenly practical joke gone horribly awry, should absolutely without a doubt be new patron saint of mustaches and beards in general, as well as the patron saint of bearded ladies, which she already is. I encourage the Vatican's commission on gobbledygook and totes ridiculousness to look into the matter as soon as possible.

Now enjoy this lovely music video i found of a song by Rebecca Clamp about Wilgefortis.

Disbelief: Explaining Morality in Atheism to The Religious

Now I've done it.

I was posting a chat on facebook (Yeah, that's what i get), lamenting the loss of my hometown's innocence to the right wing evangelical groups that hijacked it. I got some varied banter agreeing or disagreeing but one kid was very keen on exposing me as a "Trendy Atheist". He replied a few times to different comments i made arguing that facts are different things to different people, and then tying his logic into very silly knots. Eventually however, he asked a question I hear from a lot of people of faith:

"If I am here solely because my ancestors evolved and crawled out of the water, why does it matter if I go walk up to some homeless dude and kick him in the nuts? I'm not accountable to a set moral or virtuous code because who is to say what is really good? "

This comment astounds me, and I figured I might address it, and perhaps give a little insight to my own total fall from religion.

The rejection of my Catholicism is somewhat recent, and it was prompted by a Homily given during mass. The priest was explaining some paintings he saw while in Rome that depicted Christ ascendant with bones at his feet. The priest recounts that he as he researched further, he realized the bones were representation of Adam and Eve who Christ rescued from hell and brought to heaven thereby redeeming original sin.

All was well.

That is, until Spiderman went after the ring of power in the land of Oz and had to defeat a Sith Lord named Pikachu.

After hearing that, i asked myself," Do I really believe that? In my heart, even as a child i've felt they were all stories. Now as an adult, do I have a place for this? Do I need to continue pretending?" Looking into my heart, i knew the answer was "no". I understand world religions and the need for answers well enough to know that the answers to life's questions do not rest in a single source of divine knowledge.

So how could i, as immediately as I rejected my faith and ultimately all faiths, possibly defend the question of my own moral compass? The answer, interestingly enough, has always been there for me.

Here is what I replied to the kid's question:

"The notion that we don't kick people in the nuts only because of a religion or an established set of morals is a fiction that belies the fact that we have human experience and the finest qualities of mankind to look to. In fact it is easy argualble that more immoral and in fact, violent acts are committed by beleivers than non-believers.

For me, and i feel for most non believers, we tend to negate the Absolutism of religion and bring it to its most primal level, In short , it is basic humanitarian grounding that is the basis for religious rationale. The true moral center rests with the recognition of the other, not in the belief of a higher authority. In laymen's terms I see the face of "God" in myself or and "The other".

A respect for mankind and its achievements (Humanism), allows you to work for the betterment of yourself and the world, because of its inherent benefits, not for fear of a vengeful deity or some sort of prize at the end of life. It forces you to deal with things now and enjoy and respect and truly appreciate the value of human life and the journey we all share.

Positing an agnostic or atheisitc universe, even the creation of the Christ story itself shows the redemptive force inherent in mankind. A force that is more elegant or beautiful than any ficticious parables about virgin births, or resurrections."

I think that covers it.

Former Pres. Bush Contemplates Suicide

Emperor Palpatine Second Guesses his Stylist.



ANOTHER Fuckin' Creepy thing about the Catholic Church



Dude, we're totally going to be presidents.




PHOTO PHUN!