Friday, February 25, 2005
Read this Before you Hump
Alf’s Rules of Dating
After a hugely unsuccessful relationship of two years, I find myself sifting through the wreckage of my life, stamping out the black plumed oil-flames of my emotions, and picking out tiny shards of broken dreams from my unprotected eyes. One thing I know, and that’s; I know more now than before, but I’m pretty sure I know very little. Follow?
I have however, established a few rules that I think we should all follow as once more I take the deep dive into the ever-shallowing dating pool. Whatever. My Blog. You don’t like it, click off
Rule 1. Sex is the fulfillment of a contract, it is not the drafting of one.
Someone once told me “Sex is the shortcut to everything.” They are right. If you have sex on the first date, the only preliminary agreement you had with that person was established during that date. Same goes with someone you went home from a bar with, hooked up at a party with, met at work, were friends with. Sometimes it’s strong, sometimes it’s not. You know the risks, do not set up expectations after the contract has been fulfilled, it’s unrealistic and annoying. If you choose to make new negotiations after the first contract has run its term, so be it. But After the first shag you are starting from the beginning.
Rule 2. Emotions are the great assassin of romance.
You feel a bit upset, you are really irked, your work sucks, these things are outside of the relationship, and especially the dating, kindly leave them out of . Do not have a heart to heart until you guys have been married for 10 years, and even then, don’t cry. We are trying to form a bond, not a therapy session.
Rule 3. Uneven playing fields make for lousy matches.
You have money, she’s destitute. She’s spiritual, you fart on people’s heads. She’s a vegan, Jerky is an essential food group. You’re Immature, she’s a Nazi. They say opposites attract, and that may be true if the opposites are very similar. Wow! You both come from the same background, hold similar jobs, have similar tastes, but you like girly films, and he likes action films…I guess opposites DO attract. “They” are often retarded.
Rule 4. The Ducky Rule.
She will never like you, no matter what you do, no matter how quirky and clever you are. Women are like that. They are thick skulled, and obtuse about what they have “Planned” for themselves. Best bet is to drop it and stop torturing yourself. I hate Meg Ryan for propagating this myth. In 98% of her films she has a discovery moment where she tilts her head , opens her maw , and incredulously says “Oh my god! I LOVE him. He’s Been here all along, and I never saw him! It was his quirky antics that I TRULY love.” Double damn Meg Ryan and her mediocre skills.
Rule 5. The Prince Charming Rule
He doesn’t exist. Girls, If you are older than 15 and are still waiting to get swept off your feet, you need a heavy dose of reality through the breast plate and into the heart. The princess bride…ISN’T REAL. Wesley is gay, and Andre the giant is dead.
Rule 6. Don’t be THAT guy
Jealous? Suck it up. It doesn’t matter how insecure you are, we are all insecure, the moment you say “No you can’t.” they’ll prove otherwise. Be cool, be smooth, and remember, at the end of the night they’re going home with you. If not, THEN you can punch someone in the face.
Rule 7. They’re not crazy, YOU are
Let me guess, she’s crazy and irrational. Or he’s distant and can’t communicate. You know what? You’re not original or alone. Cavemen would wonder why their women would suddenly start bawling at the site of a bunny being quashed, while retaining the ability to skin and gut a mammoth in less than 30 minutes. Likewise, had they lived, Juliet would often wonder why Romeo is so distant after sex. If you want something else, date your own gender (But I hear that doesn’t help either) it’s not that men or women are crazy, but rather that we’re crazy about each other. Be prepared to deal with it, but don’t forget to set your limits.
Rule 8. No such thing as “Out of my league”
Ladies pretty much know this for a fact. Guys will often find attraction simply based on the availability factor. 3 guys, 1 girl, 1 couple, guess who the most attractive person in that scenario is. For guys, all it takes is bravura, confidence, and a plan. No girl too hot, no goal unattainable. If you believe it, it works. In fact, other than in fairy tales I think this is the only time belief makes it so.
Homework: Believe in a BMW (Did it work?)
Now believe in yourself, and bring contraception.
Rule 9. Be noble in breaking up.
Try, please, please TRY not to be psychotic. Believe me, I know. The potential for really creepy shit is in all of us. But the more surgical the break, regardless of the ache, the faster the wound will heal.
Rule 10. Scarred for life.
Remember love is forever. If you loved someone, that love, and the accompanying pain will never be gone. You learn to live with it, and eventually you can function again. Wear those scars proudly, and with the battlefield knowledge that they warrant. Don’t get the same wound twice though! Remember, war heroes have many wounds. Casualties have one.
Now get outta here, you’re bothering me.