So I've Coddled my baby Duchy and see how she has grown!
The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan
"Podex Perfectus Est"
UN Category: Scandinavian Liberal Paradise
Civil Rights:
Superb
Economy:
Fair
Political Freedoms:
Very Good
Location: 1 George Bush Too Many
The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan is a huge, environmentally stunning nation, remarkable for its punitive income tax rates. Its compassionate population of 276 million enjoy extensive civil rights and enjoy a level of social equality free from the usual accompanying government corruption.
It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, socially-minded government stops and the rest of society begins, but it is mainly concerned with Social Welfare, although Healthcare and Education are secondary priorities. The average income tax rate is 92%, and even higher for the wealthy. Private enterprise is illegal, but for those in the know there is a slick and highly efficient black market in Book Publishing.
Appendix transplant figures recently doubled, all recreational drugs are legal, 'The Anti-Government Hour' is a popular programme on many of Alfghanistan's radio stations, and all guns must be registered. Crime -- especially youth-related -- is totally unknown. Alfghanistan's national animal is the Puffin, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its currency is the Doh.
Alfghanistan is ranked 4th in the region and 690th in the world for Most Beautiful Environments.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Betrayal
What a strange month it has been.
September flew in, heralded my twenty-ninth birthday, kicked my ass around a few times, spit on my face, force fed me black licorice, poked fun at my weight, and stole my girl. And then, in the final week of this wrenched month, it picked me up, apologized handed me fifty dollars, and offered to have my car washed. I speak in metaphors of course, but I found that an overriding sense of betrayal seemed to be in the air.
I felt betrayed, my health betrayed me, I betrayed my friend, my friend betrayed me, I betrayed myself. The government betrayed the people, the weather betrayed Mississippi, the Levies betrayed Nola. Tom betrayed Jerry, Fred betrayed Barney, Hurley Betrayed Locke, Napoleon betrayed Josephine. The whole betrayal thing felt like it was pummeling me like a leather clad dominatrix, and all I could do is sit there with a ball in my mouth and a thong made of rubber with a studded choker, and take it. Am I inherently deceitful? I seem to gloss over things when I’m around people, especially when all is wrong. Are people around me all as callous and self serving as I was? Will they ultimately abandon me for their own comfort? It gave me some serious pause. What kind of world do I inhabit that when faced with adversity I can become so self-centered. Wallowing in indulgent self-pity, and leading those around me into worry and hurt?
Despite my bouts with self-loathing this month, and through the high drama of betrayals, I have come to realize that now more than ever I believe in the inherent good and beauty of my friends and family. The people who surround me are a gift, each individual has seen the good in my heart and has chosen to stick it out. I can be a pain, yes. And so can they, but ultimately I do not keep bad company. At its worst, I keep good company with unfortunate issues. Even then, I find it difficult to stare someone and say goodbye, and punish them for things that I’m sure I would be guilty of too, if I was as totally fucked as they seem to be . My eyes forbid me to zone in on the weaknesses and baser instincts of friends, much like my friends choose to ignore mine when my shortcomings crawl out of my gut. Wallowing in anger and sadness is no way to live in this world. And if a friend fails me, I need only think of myself and how shallow I can be when I hurt inside. Ultimately a betrayal in the end is an admittance of weakness. I could not do what was right, because I am in pain. An excuse to be sure, but that sort of failure evokes pity in me, not anger. In the end, I appreciate and invoke the greatest gift of western civilization. The thing that brings the holiest and more beautiful aspects of us all to light, and allows us the next day to be a better person. Forgiveness. I thank you all for yours, and promise to act in kind.
September flew in, heralded my twenty-ninth birthday, kicked my ass around a few times, spit on my face, force fed me black licorice, poked fun at my weight, and stole my girl. And then, in the final week of this wrenched month, it picked me up, apologized handed me fifty dollars, and offered to have my car washed. I speak in metaphors of course, but I found that an overriding sense of betrayal seemed to be in the air.
I felt betrayed, my health betrayed me, I betrayed my friend, my friend betrayed me, I betrayed myself. The government betrayed the people, the weather betrayed Mississippi, the Levies betrayed Nola. Tom betrayed Jerry, Fred betrayed Barney, Hurley Betrayed Locke, Napoleon betrayed Josephine. The whole betrayal thing felt like it was pummeling me like a leather clad dominatrix, and all I could do is sit there with a ball in my mouth and a thong made of rubber with a studded choker, and take it. Am I inherently deceitful? I seem to gloss over things when I’m around people, especially when all is wrong. Are people around me all as callous and self serving as I was? Will they ultimately abandon me for their own comfort? It gave me some serious pause. What kind of world do I inhabit that when faced with adversity I can become so self-centered. Wallowing in indulgent self-pity, and leading those around me into worry and hurt?
Despite my bouts with self-loathing this month, and through the high drama of betrayals, I have come to realize that now more than ever I believe in the inherent good and beauty of my friends and family. The people who surround me are a gift, each individual has seen the good in my heart and has chosen to stick it out. I can be a pain, yes. And so can they, but ultimately I do not keep bad company. At its worst, I keep good company with unfortunate issues. Even then, I find it difficult to stare someone and say goodbye, and punish them for things that I’m sure I would be guilty of too, if I was as totally fucked as they seem to be . My eyes forbid me to zone in on the weaknesses and baser instincts of friends, much like my friends choose to ignore mine when my shortcomings crawl out of my gut. Wallowing in anger and sadness is no way to live in this world. And if a friend fails me, I need only think of myself and how shallow I can be when I hurt inside. Ultimately a betrayal in the end is an admittance of weakness. I could not do what was right, because I am in pain. An excuse to be sure, but that sort of failure evokes pity in me, not anger. In the end, I appreciate and invoke the greatest gift of western civilization. The thing that brings the holiest and more beautiful aspects of us all to light, and allows us the next day to be a better person. Forgiveness. I thank you all for yours, and promise to act in kind.
How far must we fall?
I was watching Bill speaking intelligently on real problems. Adressing hunger,poverty, disease, discrimination. Such fluency, intelligence, confidence. And then the babbling twirp came on.How reckless and destructive does a person have to be efore there is national outrage?
Gas prices not high enough? Three trillion dollars in deficit not wreckless enough? 2000 dead american boys and girls, and 14, 000 wounded not enough? The complete destruction of american cities not appaling enough? The assault on liberty, choice, and science isn't your thing?
What will it take?
I'm reminded of a scene in Hamlet.
Hamlet:
See, what a grace was seated on this brow;
Hyperion's curls; the front of Jove himself;
An eye like Mars, to threaten and command;
A station like the herald Mercury
New-lighted on a heaven-kissing hill;
A combination and a form indeed,
Where every god did seem to set his seal,
To give the world assurance of a man:
This was your President. Look you now, what follows:
Here is your President. Have you eyes?
Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,
And batten on this moor? Ha! have you eyes?
You cannot call it love; for at your age
The hey-day in the blood is tame, it's humble,
And waits upon the judgment: and what judgment
Would step from this to this? Sense, sure, you have,
Else could you not have motion; but sure, that sense
Is apoplex'd; for madness would not err,
Nor sense to ecstasy was ne'er so thrall'd
But it reserved some quantity of choice,
To serve in such a difference. What devil was't
That thus hath cozen'd you at hoodman-blind?
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Big Ass Calamari
If you ever watch Disney cartoons, the most trouble a tentacled creature can cause is the occasional face suction of Donald while fishing, or Goofy while water skiing.Yeah, there's the giant squid in 20000 Leagues, and Ursula the sea witch is part octopus, but I see those as aberrations. I mean, the Japanese eat LIVE octopii, and they don't seem to suffer one way or another. Unless you count their sex-pervert comic books, but I hardly think that's the fault of an octopus or squid.
Recently, it's come to my horrified attention that octopii are the smartest creatures, excluding mammals (Mammals rule!) in the wide sea. Now as you watchTHISvideo, I challenge you to think on our friend the giant squid (Caught on Film in it's natural habitat for the first time in history, and pictured above) who can grow to be over 100 feet in length
100 feet. Sperm whales are attacked by these guys.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
The Los Angeles Blackout of 2005
The city of Los Angeles descended into lawlessness earlier this week as a power outage swept through the poorest neighborhoods of Los Angeles, causing devastation. The effects of the Power Outage Jeff's wrath were felt all along the southland from Burbank to Huntington Beach. Ted disrupted TV watching throughout Los angeles and the American Red Cross is asking people to donate tapes of Cops, the View, and Maury. People were caught off guard as the suddeness and furor of Jeff took its toll on the elderly and infirmed, and jobless.
"I was going to only drink HALF my frappucino and then put it in the freezer."
Said longtime Larchmont resident
"Now i have to finish it. I'm not sure what's going to happen."
Frappucinos weren't the only ones affected. The beverly center became a trap for hundreds of shoppers as Air conditioning went out despite the building's generators kicking in. Reports are hazy but at least two waifs were treated for sweating.
The true horror of Blackout Jeff developed as dozens of refugees swarmed to the Staples Center where police describe utter chaos as bathroom attendants ran out of mints, and cell phone coverage became "Spotty".
Beverly Hills, we are glad to say remained unnafected by the outage. The city's homeless run power generators can keep the Rodeo area running for at least two weeks, provided they shoot anyone trying to enter city limits, which they may do anyway.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
The happiest place on earth...FOR DEATH
Ok, I've been holding out on you. The weekend preceding my birthday I took a little trip with my brother and his girlfriend. I've been hesitating admitting to this, because I wasn't sure if I could EVER hope to recount in vivid enough detail the pallid, puffy extravaganza of neo gothic/industrial nerdery that filled Disneyland on what is known amongst certain acne prone circles as….BATS DAY (Minor Chord Struck Violently on a rusty pipe organ). On a day that I assume holds some sort of celestial importance for being prone to gay paradox, my brother, myself, and his girlfriend, all clad in summertime pastels and shorts. Found ourselves in the Happiest Place on earth surrounded by unhealthy looking people in makeup and leather.
Behold! Herr Spritz! Master of darkness! And the most homoertically charged teenage boy ever to don a military uniform. Kindly note the grim stares of his eeeevil wenches as they pose by the drug induced portrait of ALICE!
Despite the obvious retardation and futility of wearing a leather corset in 100 degree weather, and then riding on splash mountain, or the fact that your makeup tends to run when you sweat like a hog in line to big thunder mountain. What was truly freakish wasn't so much the goth/industrial teens running (They don't really run do they? Moping? Is that the word? Lurching Perhaps?) around the park, but the horrible clash of cultures when older Goths who had bred, met face to face with the other freakishly clad families from the Midwest.
Picture with me, 200lb momma, 200lb Poppa, and their eight year old twin boys weighing in at a Buck fifty each. Wearing shorts, mouse ears, and NASCAR Tees. Now watch as they wait in Line next to 200 lb Momma in a schoolgirl outfit, 50lb Poppa in Neo's Outfit from the matrix, and their infant Gothling sportin a Mohawk, and black fingernail polish at the ripe age of two. To me, equally grotesque and chilling examples of people who never really grew out of a phase. Whatever the case, here we were all three groups at Disneyland. All of us laughing, spending money, and having a happy wholesome time at the happiest place on Earth. Kudos to the Disney company for achieving such inclusiveness at the risk of alienating the lame.
As for my nerdy, puffy, pasty, lords of darkness. The pierced, studded, chained, sickly, needy denizens of satan. You may be my mortal enemies on the outside, but in the line to Space Mountain, we are all six year olds standing on our tiptoes making sure we are tall enough to ride.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Happy Berfday to us!
The Late Hillbilly Musician Conway Twitty Would be 72 Y'all
The Late Boston Blockbuster Rocky Marciano would be 82. Adrian!
Lilly Tomlin Completes 66 Ringy Dingys
Rythm is gonna get Gloria Estefan at 48
Barry Gibb is staying alive at 59
Dr, Phill is still waiting to rot in hell at 55
And with an optimistic eye to the future and team Zissou behind me, I'm 29....GACK!
Friday, August 26, 2005
It's Scientific Fact
My uncle and my dad often get to arguing when we visit my Right-Wing, Fundamentalist, Evangelical family in Los Gatos (San Jose). My cousins and I understand the futility of these arguments, so the "Kids" stay away from the conversations, but very often my uncle and dad get pretty heated. Ultimately I've learned a few things about how the conservative christian mind works:
1. A fetus is more important than a felon or a foreigner
2. Dinosaurs and man Coexisted, Jonah was Swallowed by a whale that is now extinct
3. Saddam does/did have WMDs and they are buried in the Desert. He and Osama are buddies.
4. Gay people are gay by choice, and can be ungayed through prayer.
5. Hollywood is terrible for poking fun at the midwest in About Schmidt, but is Hillarious for making fun of itself in Sideways.
I think whenever I start hearing our families squabble about extinct mega whales that swallow mythical prophets I'll just break into this song.
It's Scientific Fact
1. A fetus is more important than a felon or a foreigner
2. Dinosaurs and man Coexisted, Jonah was Swallowed by a whale that is now extinct
3. Saddam does/did have WMDs and they are buried in the Desert. He and Osama are buddies.
4. Gay people are gay by choice, and can be ungayed through prayer.
5. Hollywood is terrible for poking fun at the midwest in About Schmidt, but is Hillarious for making fun of itself in Sideways.
I think whenever I start hearing our families squabble about extinct mega whales that swallow mythical prophets I'll just break into this song.
It's Scientific Fact
Monday, August 22, 2005
R.I.P.H.S.T
My good friend and mentor HST was scattered in across the mountains of Colorado in a ceremony last Saturday. From a Friend in attendace, the party was a good time for everyone. Long enough after Hunter's first big bang, to allow all the melancholy to sink to the bottom, and allow the happy memories to float to the top.
It gives me pause. This Morning on NPR i was listening to a man who wrote and helps other old people write their obituaries. Remembrance is an interesting thing, and Hunter has no doubt achieved his immortality, but what about the rest of us? I read not long ago about a Pittsburgh man who was such a Steelers fan that he had himself propped up on a recliner with his jersey, for part of the wake.
Personally, I want to be sat in the audience. just propped up on a pew or whatever, as my freinds eulogise me they can see my grinning corpse.
Then, I wany my skull removed and cleaned, and donated to the UNC theater department for use in productions of Hamlet.
I want my ashes scattered on Invesco Field at Mile High, and I want a tombstone in L.A that reads:
"Here Lies Alf LaMont Who Died Heroically While Saving his Family from angry Zulus in the Natal Province
1976-1879"
I want that tombstone somwhere with a lot of foot traffic so people get creeped out thinking they are stepping on my grave while in reality my final resting place is in the heels and cleats of those damn Broncos who better win another superbowl before I die.
Just some thoughts.
It gives me pause. This Morning on NPR i was listening to a man who wrote and helps other old people write their obituaries. Remembrance is an interesting thing, and Hunter has no doubt achieved his immortality, but what about the rest of us? I read not long ago about a Pittsburgh man who was such a Steelers fan that he had himself propped up on a recliner with his jersey, for part of the wake.
Personally, I want to be sat in the audience. just propped up on a pew or whatever, as my freinds eulogise me they can see my grinning corpse.
Then, I wany my skull removed and cleaned, and donated to the UNC theater department for use in productions of Hamlet.
I want my ashes scattered on Invesco Field at Mile High, and I want a tombstone in L.A that reads:
"Here Lies Alf LaMont Who Died Heroically While Saving his Family from angry Zulus in the Natal Province
1976-1879"
I want that tombstone somwhere with a lot of foot traffic so people get creeped out thinking they are stepping on my grave while in reality my final resting place is in the heels and cleats of those damn Broncos who better win another superbowl before I die.
Just some thoughts.
Friday, August 19, 2005
His noodly glory unto thee...
As you know, the backwards bumpkins of the Kansas school board have decided to force unto their students the preposterous theory of intelligent design as part of the science curriculum. In response, a youngster named Bobby Henderson has created a religion based on a Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the whole thing has snowballed brilliantly into an Anti Intelligent design movement. The
Ask yourself WWFSMD?
Update:
Please take a moment to check out the
Pay particular attention to the appearnce schedule for Aug 28.
That's right folks.. I was raised amongst them.
Oh Christ No! No! Put it Away! Why God?
carrottop
As if he weren't tragic enough.
As if his strange eyebrow plucking in the style of Gloria Swanson, didn't make him a total freak.
I'm sure he's got some hilarious prop to describe steroid use.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Finally! A Match for Hercules the Liger
I'm usually for the imminent pulverisation of unwanted wildlife, but i have to say its a crime and a shame that those hilbillys in FLA couldn't see this animal as a delicious freak of nature that should be captured and oggled at by people with no teeth, not blasted away by some bumpkin.
Orlando
June 16, 2005
Titusville - Anita and Charlie Rogers could hear the bellowing in the night. Her neighbors had been telling them that they had seen a giant alligator in the waterway that runs behind their house, but they dismissed the stories as exaggerations. "I didn't believe it," Charles Rogers said. Friday they realized the stories were, if anything, understated. Florida Parks and Wildlife game wardens had to shoot the beast. Joe Goff, a game warden with the Florida Parks and Wildlife Department, walks past a 13-foot, 1-inch alligator that he shot and killed in their back yard.
Orlando
June 16, 2005
Titusville - Anita and Charlie Rogers could hear the bellowing in the night. Her neighbors had been telling them that they had seen a giant alligator in the waterway that runs behind their house, but they dismissed the stories as exaggerations. "I didn't believe it," Charles Rogers said. Friday they realized the stories were, if anything, understated. Florida Parks and Wildlife game wardens had to shoot the beast. Joe Goff, a game warden with the Florida Parks and Wildlife Department, walks past a 13-foot, 1-inch alligator that he shot and killed in their back yard.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan
So when i found the sweet Nueva California Flag that I posted with my blue state rant, I came across
Behold...
The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan
"Podex Perfectus Est"
UN Category: Scandinavian Liberal Paradise
Civil Rights:
Excellent
Economy:
Basket Case
Political Freedoms:
Very Good
Location: The North Pacific
The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan is a tiny, safe nation, notable for its punitive income tax rates. Its compassionate, intelligent population of 6 million enjoy extensive civil rights and enjoy a level of social equality free from the usual accompanying government corruption.
It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, socially-minded government stops and the rest of society begins, but it is mainly concerned with Social Welfare, although Healthcare and Education are on the agenda. The average income tax rate is 57%, and even higher for the wealthy.
Voting is voluntary. Crime -- especially youth-related -- is totally unknown. Alfghanistan's national animal is the puffin, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its currency is the Doh.
For the Official Site of the Grand Duchy, please click
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Someone is more clever than I am...
Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've
decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking
the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes
Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the
entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and
especially to the people of the new country of New California. To sum up
briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer.
You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get
Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of
America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get
two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their
fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If
you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and
they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets
coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn
up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's
Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90
percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the
U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the
Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech
and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to
cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans and their projected health care
costs, 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob
Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the
Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent
believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing the death penalty
or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent
that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards
believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New
California
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've
decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking
the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes
Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the
entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and
especially to the people of the new country of New California. To sum up
briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer.
You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get
Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of
America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get
two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their
fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If
you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and
they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets
coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn
up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's
Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90
percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the
U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the
Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech
and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to
cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans and their projected health care
costs, 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob
Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the
Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent
believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing the death penalty
or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent
that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards
believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New
California
Monday, August 01, 2005
Constantine
As i recall the gist of that movie was that Keanu Reeves died, went to hell for two minutes, and then came back all changed.
I was in hell for about a week, and though I'll skip over the details, let's just say that among the ruins of the last week of July Lies my residence, my vacation, and very nearly friends and job. So i'll spare you all the ghastly details work and friend realted, and move to the sordid affairs of Saturday and Sunday.
I started the Day with the dropping off of Two Metric Tons of Laundry, one ton of Dry cleaning, and donating three elephant's worth to charity.
Then, it was off to Little Tokyo for Lunch and the purchasing of accoutrements for the evening's festivities.
My brother and i ate some Yakitori, bought some headbands, and huffed on over to the paradigm softball game, just in time to heckle some really deserving people.
This is me at the beggining of the evening.
Please note the fact that I am standing. This will not be the case later on.
Drink Score:4
We then prceeded to the beac, where a Karate Kid Party was in progress. Being the coolest guys there, my brother, Ice-man and I had a few drinks, talked to some chicks, scored some digits and continued to the next party.
Drink Score:8
At the next party I pour myself a bourbon on the rocks and eat a few rice crispy treats and a brownie or two,
I recall nothing after that.
It's monday, and I'm still hung over.
I was in hell for about a week, and though I'll skip over the details, let's just say that among the ruins of the last week of July Lies my residence, my vacation, and very nearly friends and job. So i'll spare you all the ghastly details work and friend realted, and move to the sordid affairs of Saturday and Sunday.
I started the Day with the dropping off of Two Metric Tons of Laundry, one ton of Dry cleaning, and donating three elephant's worth to charity.
Then, it was off to Little Tokyo for Lunch and the purchasing of accoutrements for the evening's festivities.
My brother and i ate some Yakitori, bought some headbands, and huffed on over to the paradigm softball game, just in time to heckle some really deserving people.
This is me at the beggining of the evening.
Please note the fact that I am standing. This will not be the case later on.
Drink Score:4
We then prceeded to the beac, where a Karate Kid Party was in progress. Being the coolest guys there, my brother, Ice-man and I had a few drinks, talked to some chicks, scored some digits and continued to the next party.
Drink Score:8
At the next party I pour myself a bourbon on the rocks and eat a few rice crispy treats and a brownie or two,
I recall nothing after that.
It's monday, and I'm still hung over.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Monday, July 25, 2005
Aliens on my back
I went and had a bit of hair maintenance done on my back this weekend.As I walked into the place (Vietnamese?) where the wax ladies are, i saw them recoil in horror.
Rather than the usual one lady attending me, I was led back by two ladies this time, both short and almond eyed. They led me to a back room with a massage table and both of them went to work on my back. As I was sitting there under th clinical glow of flourecent bulbs, a thrid lady came in and began yapping away in Vietnamese? Taiwanese?
As the other two happily ripped hair from my back
I thought to myself, this is exactly what an alien abduction must feel like.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Hooray for...
My friend who works by the beach often comments on how strange "Hollywood People" are to outsiders, and how the town is often reffered to as Hollyweird. The remarks Irk me. I make a living in this town, and so do hundreds of normal people who eat, drink , sleep, and shit like everyone else. Of course we sell OUR shit. Anyway, I point out that beach communities are often ugly and prematuely aged due to sun damage, and that aloha floral prints went out in the late nineties.
Today, i got a rare dose of Hollywood at its most primal. All I can say, is that the desperation of an Actor who needs work, is a sad and sorry affair.
We get a call at 11:00 for an actor from Australia, who happens to be gay, and Asian. The role is of a Psychotic fashion Designer from Australia, of Asian persuasion, who is gay. Well, huzzah! The Day has come. Now mind you, this man is not a client. He's a friend of my boss, and this is a favor. Well, here's his opportunity. Unfortunately the Appointment is same day! Aiieee! In two Hours! Aieee Aieee! We call. His cell has been disconnected. We call his friend's house (Where he is staying), we talk...he has no car. My boss then offers to have me drive him.
Drive my new car? To the Disney Lot? And skip out on Work? On A Gorgeous day? Helllzyeah!
We drive there, and I get all giggly at the whimsy that surrounds the workers of the House of Mouse. We get to the place, sit down, and await his turn.
He goes into the office, and there's much screaming.
Actors.
He comes out sniffling, and all flustered,
Whatever...Let's go.
We're walking out, and I notice he had a bottle.
"You got a bottle of wine out of it."
I quip.
He continues to walk and nods,
"And some Fake Blow,"
In pseudo surprise.
He then tells me he spit on and Licked the assistant who was reading with him.
Jesus Fucking Christ.
Does no one ever tell these monkeys, that you don't lick and spit on people for ANY reason?
So we get a PISSED I mean, PISSED call from the Casting Directors.
So we field calls back and forth all day on this idiot, and we get a phone call from Las Vegas. One of my Boss' friends has a great Australian Daredevil she needs to meet. He's going to jump over the sphynx of the Luxor on an ATV.
Fucking great. And maybe he'll whip it out and piss on the audience as he sails to his death.
Fucking Australians.
Fucking Actors.
Fucking Hollywood.
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Tired Old Ass, Film Reviews.
Statler and Waldorf of Muppets fame are reviewing movies for the time being. To my suprise, despite the lame "Family friendly" muppet stuff, they manage to get across some zingers on Hollywood. They make a pretty funny comment about prefering Gene Wilder of Johnny Depp. In fact, I enjoyed it enough to add it permantly to the sidebar as "Movie Reviews". Add that to my friend's blogs, and the weather by David Lynch...yessir. I'm achieving the swig of Alf nicely.
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