Cats: Help End a Vicious Interspecies Scam

Internet, world, take a knee. We need to have a real talk. This is one of those moments where we all have a breakthrough. Where we look at obstacles ahead and change the tide. This is that moment in Braveheart where Mel Gibson says that non antisemitic stuff and people cheer. This is that moment in Henry V where Lawrence Olivier says "We fyooo, we heppy fyoo". THIS is that moment in Independence Day when Bill Pullman inspires Randy Quaid to fly up the Alien Ship's butt and save mankind. This, by golly, is the moment we turn things around.

It has been obvious to scientists and those of us unaffected by the mind control virus, for quite some time. However, the recent surge online of puppy and dog related memes and videos is a heartening sign that the tide may be turning on the most vicious and long practiced example of intentional self infestation by a host of a vicious parasite.

I am, of course, referring to the destructive and cultish practice of cat ownership.

It is a well documented fact that cats pose a myriad of health threats. Cat owners know this. In their heart of hearts they know that every time they are emptying out the litter box, it is hastening their death. The brilliant Czech scientist Jaroslav Flegr has documented thoroughly how the parasites emitted from cats infect our brain, causing risky behavior ranging from reckless driving to downright sluttiness, and even schizophrenia. Those of you already infected by Toxoplasma Gondii will surely scoff. You'll say "Not my cat!" and that is EXACTLY what the infection does! It forces risky behavior on behalf of cats! Infected mice find the smell of cats, sexually appealing, thereby putting them at the enormous risk of loving something that might end up killing them. SOUND FAMILIAR?! Add to this horrific notion the long known effects of cat scratches and their virulent bites, and you have, in your purring, beloved kitty, a biohazard worthy of an Al qaeda plot. Not a very effective plot, mind you, but certainly up there with the explosive underwear plot.

So you are not swayed by the health argument. Your devotion to your animal far outweighs the possible health hazards. Consider the entirety of your feline human relationship by removing the furry/cute aspect thusly:

You meet someone. A very special person who you connect with (possibly because they have infected you with a mind controlling parasite) and you absolutely love them. You move in together. They barely pay attention to you. They do not work. They are not always visible, and in fact, they sleep most of the day. Your affection is sometimes greeted by a return of affection, especially at mealtimes, and other times it is greeted by violent outbursts. This person goes through a phase where they decide that they hate your furniture. They destroy your furniture. You angrily discipline this person you love. They poop on your bed or in your shoe. You reach out to them, trying kindness and finally get through to them, at which point they kill something and put it in your shoe to remind you that they can kill effortlessly.

At this point, you would be calling the cops and evicting your "special someone" if they haven't already murdered you in your sleep. Owning a cat is the equivalent of allowing a self obsessed and violent psychotic into your home.

Super villains never sit in their chairs, deep in their island fortresses, and stroke a puppy. Witchcraft rarely requires a Basset Hound's presence, and having a Chocolate Lab cross your path means very little in folklore other than the possibility of being licked, and the Lab peeing on your shoe out of sheer excitement for having met you.

"Awww, my cat is JUST LIKE a dog!"

No it isn't! You poor, idiotic, cat-puppet! Cats exist in spite of humans. Dogs exist because of humans. There aren't any feral Pugs roaming the wild! They are bred to love! Cats do not understand the concept of love! It is a cat! It will suck the breath out of you and hand it to Satan if it hasn't already!

I digress.

Ultimately, what we have here is a human failure. A vicious interspecies scam has been perpetrated on us, and our own hubris from the successful domestication of other animals blinded us to the reality of how we were being used by these psychotic beasties. Now look at us. A new cat cult rivaling that of Bastet in Egypt has arisen online. We giggle daily as Nyan Cat and LOL cats distract us from our state and in the meantime, perfectly attractive women are ruining their chances to date me, by getting cats.

So what is the solution?

Education. The fight starts in your home. I'm not suggesting you rid yourselves of your cats. I'm not a barbarian. I understand the repercussions. What i do suggest, is that you help dissuade future cat owners. Inform your friends and family about the dangers of cat ownership, and emphasize the destruction of personal property and toxic poo if need be. As more and more adorable puppy videos permeate the internet and more people are made aware that there are options to allowing wild animals into your home, the demand for and breeding of cats will decline. Eventually, the remaining population of cats in the U.S. can be shipped off to somewhere where they are in need. Like, say, Australia, where they have a tendency towards bad choices anyway, and a horrific mouse problem to boot. Then, we can turn to our children's children and speak the words of the brave, turn of the century immigrants to this great land.

"There are no cats in America, and the streets are filled with cheese"
-An American Tail (1986)

Further Reading:

Futurama: Cats from Thuban

Southpark: Faith Hilling

Cracked: 6 Adorable Cat Behaviors With Shockingly Evil Explanations

Tumblr: Cats Are The Enemy

Reach out to Conservatives Before They Become Totally Insane at Their Convention.

Hip hip! Hey hey! It's only a week or so before we descend into the sweaty, Day-Quil nightmare, of a Tampa Florida Republican National Convention. Not sure if any of you remember the last one of these hoe downs but i'm fairly certain that it was a pretty cantankerous affair even without the swamp ass inducing climate. The only moment that really stands out in my head from the last RNC was the chant of "Drill Baby, Drill!" echoing through the hall as crowds were whipped into a frenzy by the appearance of recently betrothed teen parents, Bristol (TV) Palin and Levi (Johnson) Johnston, who still had the whiff of teen lust on them. After that it was just a series of horny seniors rambling and acting like the Bush-Era never happened. President W. Bush himself was "unable" to attend as hurricane Gustav threatened to remind people of Katrina, so in his stead they rolled out his lifelike lady Laura Bush and the sad clown, Joe Lieberman. It was tragic and awful in a Detroit Lions superfan sort of way.  Oddly though, the soporific broadcast was a HUGE contrast to the actual crowd at the Xcel center, where something akin to A Clockwork Orange style mental rehab descended on these darling old people in their silly hats. It was at this moment that the Republican party cemented itself as the "F**k You, I'm Eating" party. A fall from the halcyon days of being the "Hold my beer, watch this." party of Reagan. I fear that if this trend continues, the Republican party will have devolved into the party of "Grrr. Gay.", and not much else.

 There's no reason to think this is avoidable. I heard today that the pink and pudgy Newt Gingrich and the frothy Rick Santorum will be speaking at this thing and Donald Trump has threatened appear. Probably doing something awful and tacky because, hey, it's Donald Trump. The question is, can anything be done before this final descent into madness? Can we rescue any of our right-leaning friends and family before they become an episode of Honey Boo Boo on TLC?

 We must try. As the loser John Kerry said, "The high road is not always the easiest way, but it is the right way." Or something like that. So here are my humble suggestions for reaching out to people before the RepCon 2012 1860.

 1. Stop calling them names like "stupid" or "redneck".

Those terms are offensive to illiterate bumpkins and it lumps all wingnuts into the yokel demo, which we know isn't true. We must be mindful that the Republican party is a diverse group of crotchety white people. Heartless Bankers and Closeted Preachers hate to be called "Stupid Redneck" and calling them that is not at all constructive.

2. Find Common Ground. 

We can all agree that The Avengers was awesome, right? We can also all agree that sick people shouldn't be left to die because they are poor, right? Ok. Well, The Avengers was pretty awesome though.

3. Don't Mock Their Beliefs. 

"The world was created in 7 days" "There are still WMDs hidden in the sands of Iraq" "There's no such thing as global warming" All those things sound so incredibly stupid to us that it's mind boggling. I mean it's almost inconceivably dumb to believe those things. There are parasitic worms in the Amazon who know better than that. No matter how backwards or stupid their beliefs, it is not constructive to mock people for being purposely ignorant to actual facts.

4. Offer Them Gay Sex. 

Stay with me on this one. I know gays. I have often spoken to them and I watched The Birdcage the other night. Of the gays i know, none are as obsessed with gay sex as the Republicans seem to be. Actually, only one is, but only when he drinks. The logical conclusion to take from the gaysex fixation of the GOP is that they all want it desperately. They need it. So take a wide stance, and kindly offer. You needn't go out of your way to actually act on the offer, but you will probably have some good blackmail material.

5. Plead. 

Tell your conservo-pal them that you understand the importance of sticking to principle, that you understand their passion, you admire their ability to remain steadfast and you would welcome an honest debate. Remind them of the unseemly hoots and hollers of the republican primaries, the "You Lie" outbursts, and the ugly and racially tinged birthers. Point out that they are the party of Lincoln and that the obstructionist Tea Party crew in the house are doing them a disservice. Remind them they are better than all this garbage. Plead with them not to be a part of a party who is poised to nominate a man who stands for nothing other than being elected. Show them video of Mitt Romney saying anything and point out his uncomfortable demeanor and his dead eyes. At the very least, you'll get them to accept that Mitt Romney has no moral compass, and as we all know, acceptance is the first step to recovery.

The Double Slit Experiment, Marshall McLuhan, and Social Media: Human Evolution in Action?

Most of us, and I thoroughly include myself on this, are completely in the dark about the insanity that is Quantum Mechanics. The entirety of my knowledge coming for easily accessible books on string theory like The Elegant Universe, or from oddly new-agey films like What the Bleep Do We Know? So when I revisited the double slit experiment last night, I was already slightly aware of the implications of it in a theoretical sense but i failed to see practical implications.

I'm jumping ahead of myself.

Instead of boring you to death with a written description of THE classic quantum physics experiment, I beg your indulgence with this video that explains it in cartoon form:


So this is what i correctly or maybe incorrectly gathered from that. Matter is capable of existing in two places at once, positing the potential of an "Alternate Reality" or a separate plane inhabited by the same particles.

I know. Mind = blown. It gets crazier.

If at a quantum and very basic level, matter can exist in multiple states, then all things can also theoretically possess the same qualities. Furthermore, that existence is affected by either an observer or measuring device, hinting at the possibility that our perception helps shape our reality.

Positing this, and I'm aware it is a huge and fanciful leap, reality may very well be a shared experience subject to our physical ability to comprehend the vastness of the universe. If this reality is an agreed upon or physically imposed limit, it stands to reason that reality may be influenced by People's agreement on a matter. Everyone agrees a fork is for eating, most people agree we should not kill our neighbors and so we do not. But does it change people?

For most of human existence only leaders, Kings, Queens, Popes and so on were subjected to public scrutiny. The masses would give them almost godlike attributes and in turn, they would exhibit those attributes themselves. One hardly needs to read many biographies to see the change that leaders undergo to become icons. Washington the blundering social climber becomes "Father of our country", Elizabeth I the bastard daughter becomes "Gloriana", and so forth.

Newspapers and Hollywood, would make the next round of subject of mass scrutiny and possible influence. How glamorous was Norma Jean until the public needed a Marilyn? When Britney had her kids with that doofus, did our shared repulsion affect and instigate that downward slide? I know people who feel a sense of shame and guilt for what happened to Anna Nicole, and were we not in a way responsible for it by encouraging her to live up to the preconceived mess ? Is the public scrutiny in a very physical sense potentially responsible for the outcome?

I fear the subject choices may detract from my wild jumps, so let's get back to something that is affecting us all.

Marshall McLuhan has famously stated that the "The Medium is the Message", that it doesn't matter precisely what we are saying, but rather how we are saying it. That our ability to communicate faster and at a more intimate level is forcing an evolutionary path where we are being forced to become more aware of the world around us and of each other.

McLuhan died before the internet, but his ideas are more true now than ever. As we have become more connected online, it has become increasingly obvious to many that there is a change in our behavior and how we interact. For better or worse our behavior is being projected at the very least to our immediate circles and at the most, to the world entire.

Does influencing the perception of you, eventually change who you are? Is the Internet, through connectivity, contextualizing everything and placing them in an agreed upon order? Are we evolving into a better ability to control what we perceive as real?

Deep stuff, but take the Arab Spring as an example. Can an oppressive government that doesn't control the flow of information exist is this day and age? There was a consensus among the people that this could no longer stand and suddenly, it didn't. How far will this go? Can we will ourselves into a better society? Is this the road to our ultimate destiny as a species?

Incredible times we live in.