Alfredo LaMont Jr.

Not many of you know this, but my grandad (Alfredo LaMont Jr.) is a very accomplished columnist. He is known for his style, etiquette, and wit.

His column, "Sin Maquillaje" or "Unmasked" has been a staple of Mexico's #1 newspaper (Excelsior)for over 50 years. The column is a Q & A style comun with single sentence question and a single sentence answer.

Here are some examples that I consider classic of my Grandpa.

1. Q: In a common and vulgar conversations, what word is used most often?
A: I daresay the word "Me" is most often heard.

2. Q: What Liquor do you consider indespensable at parties?
A: A High Ball (Whisky and Gingerale) was my immediate answer, but why would you limit yourself to one? Many liquors for many people and fruit juices for the cowards.

3. Q: Is it possible for an astronaut to give birth in space?
A: NASA seems to think so, though they've been unwilling to try.

4. Q: How many divisions are there in the world?
A: 193 Sovereign Nations, 61 Independent Territories,and 6 in dispute.

5. Q: What part of a woman's anatomy is most likely to reveal something about her character?
A: Her mouth,indubitably.

That's my Grandpa!
Any of you who have ever wondered where i get my oft snooty tone can kindly click on the excelsior icon above, and read more of my grandpa's stuff. In spanish.

Congrats to the Rat King!

Imagine

A while back I posted what was MUSICALLY a better version of this. Still, pretty good.

1st Amendment

My brother and I had an argument over last night's South Park episode. He feels it's offensive to Muslims for people to show Mohammed. I say it's offensive to right wing nut jobs to see Jesus pooping on an american flag and on George Bush.

The fact is, that my beliefs dictate tha both are fair game, and no amount of intimidation should suppress everyone's right to be a stupid and annoying as they please. To that extent I offer the following Images of Jesus and Mohhamed.

A few facts about NED LAMONT:

1. Ned is so cool, american flags follow him wherever he goes. And he acts like it's all normal and stuff. That's cool.


2. Ned knows its important to talk to Nerds, even though he's cooler than them. Ned understands that Nerds are people too.


3. Ned is so cool that all he has to do is Look at a dude and he'll throw his head back and surrender. Joe Leiberman won't even LOOK at Ned.


4. Chicks love Ned, and he's cool with that. He's even cool to old chicks, even though he's not into them.


5. Everyone in Connecticut wants to know how to be cool like Ned, but Ned won't say. THAT'S what makes him so cool.


6. Bubba goes to see Ned when he needs advice about chicks.


7. Hot chicks constantly surround Ned. Even his son is a hot chick.


If you don't vote for Ned, chicks really won't dig you, and you'll probably die alone.

A fury of collective nouns.

Ah what etymological bliss i've been basking in the last few days. The english language with all its nuance and complexity is not completely devoid of its absurdities, and collective nouns seem to be at the forefront of idiocy. It seems that collective nouns are the final frontier for wordsmiths. No real rules per se. Any two-bit slinger of prhrases can decide on a collective noun for any of the zillions of nouns out there, and it will be certified as completely valid by the men in robes that declare and certify such things. I recently read someone declaring that a group of Cathedrals or many cathedrals should be reffered to as a "Floon".

Example: In the mid 1200s europe saw a Floon of Cathedrals explode onto the scene.

What scene, and how a cathedral or even a "Floon" of them may explode onto it, is neither here nor there. The point here is that we have free reign over the lingua anglica, and by guff we should use it.

So in my excitement to engage in the race to name all collectives in the known universe, I started doing a bit of research. Oh mercy, can it get any more silly than some of these?

Baboons can come in a Tribe or a Flange, but a group of Apes is referred to as a Shrewdness.

Birds have a a veritable sub category of collectives:
congregation of birds
dissimulation of birds
flight of birds
flock of birds
volery of birds

Whereas Lizards have ony the word "Lounge" to describe an assembly.

A lounge of lizards...
Can we safely add a "Hump" of poodles to the list?

Animals are, of course the easy way to introduce the world of CN. A "Gaggle", a "Pod", a "School" a "Pride", and the famed "Murder" (Of crows)are all little nouns we revel in when we can use them, but oh to describe humanity and careers!

Shall we? (These are all legit)
A Wunch of Bankers
A Shuffle of Bureaucrats
A Thicket of Idiots

I find that one particularly apt, since often you have to cut through a thicket to get to your destination.

A Hangout of Nudists (HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
A Ponder of Philosophers
An Ambush of Widows

Its very strange to me what a weird place in society the widow played in days gone by. Now of course the widow is sort of like an extreme divorcee, but not a group deserving the title "Ambush". I think an Ambush of Exes, is more a propos.

To that extent, I should wish to offer a few of my own invention for your learned consideration:

A Slick of Agents
A Bung of Producers
A Cathouse of Debutantes
A Sigh of Hipsters
A Mosh of Punks
A Tolkien of Nerds
An Ire of Girlfriends

The possibilities are endless, and so it seems is this post.
I've a Clode of Submissions to send to a Modwinkle of Casting Directors.

FRIDAY!

Click on the picture if you can't read the unifying theory.

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Always On My Mind 2....

Risque' art

From Paris


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From me, to you




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Virginity Lost

I've always thought of Astrology as something I need to put up with. Regardless of how intelligent and interesting a woman is, she will undoubtedly turn the conversation at some point to the queer obsession that so many have of looking to the stars for control and answers. Being someone who is continually confronted by chaos of his own creation and of the universe, I am loathe to put the occurrences of mankind, and the personalities of folk in the stars. Nonehteless, I should be knowledgable or at least have SOMETHING to say about the whole mess, and usually i tell the eerie tale of how capricorns tend to enter my life, and stay for a good while. My brother Christian, my friends Barbra, Amanda, and Cara all have the same eerie birthday (Insert eerie music). But that's the extent of it. Then of course there's MY sign. Virgo.

Look, I'm not a Virgo. I wish i were, but seriously I'm not. Check this out:

Traditional
Virgo Traits

Modest and shy Ummmm...
Meticulous and reliable uh....
Practical and diligent ok, I'll give them that.
Intelligent and analytical And that.

But seriously, 50% is an "F"

There's more.

On the dark side....

Fussy and a worrier Yes. Ok, they have me there
Overcritical and harsh Guilty.

Perfectionist and conservative HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Yeah, Astrology sucks.

OR DOES IT?