My uncle and my dad often get to arguing when we visit my Right-Wing, Fundamentalist, Evangelical family in Los Gatos (San Jose). My cousins and I understand the futility of these arguments, so the "Kids" stay away from the conversations, but very often my uncle and dad get pretty heated. Ultimately I've learned a few things about how the conservative christian mind works:
1. A fetus is more important than a felon or a foreigner
2. Dinosaurs and man Coexisted, Jonah was Swallowed by a whale that is now extinct
3. Saddam does/did have WMDs and they are buried in the Desert. He and Osama are buddies.
4. Gay people are gay by choice, and can be ungayed through prayer.
5. Hollywood is terrible for poking fun at the midwest in About Schmidt, but is Hillarious for making fun of itself in Sideways.
I think whenever I start hearing our families squabble about extinct mega whales that swallow mythical prophets I'll just break into this song.
It's Scientific Fact
Friday, August 26, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
R.I.P.H.S.T
My good friend and mentor HST was scattered in across the mountains of Colorado in a ceremony last Saturday. From a Friend in attendace, the party was a good time for everyone. Long enough after Hunter's first big bang, to allow all the melancholy to sink to the bottom, and allow the happy memories to float to the top.
It gives me pause. This Morning on NPR i was listening to a man who wrote and helps other old people write their obituaries. Remembrance is an interesting thing, and Hunter has no doubt achieved his immortality, but what about the rest of us? I read not long ago about a Pittsburgh man who was such a Steelers fan that he had himself propped up on a recliner with his jersey, for part of the wake.
Personally, I want to be sat in the audience. just propped up on a pew or whatever, as my freinds eulogise me they can see my grinning corpse.
Then, I wany my skull removed and cleaned, and donated to the UNC theater department for use in productions of Hamlet.
I want my ashes scattered on Invesco Field at Mile High, and I want a tombstone in L.A that reads:
"Here Lies Alf LaMont Who Died Heroically While Saving his Family from angry Zulus in the Natal Province
1976-1879"
I want that tombstone somwhere with a lot of foot traffic so people get creeped out thinking they are stepping on my grave while in reality my final resting place is in the heels and cleats of those damn Broncos who better win another superbowl before I die.
Just some thoughts.
It gives me pause. This Morning on NPR i was listening to a man who wrote and helps other old people write their obituaries. Remembrance is an interesting thing, and Hunter has no doubt achieved his immortality, but what about the rest of us? I read not long ago about a Pittsburgh man who was such a Steelers fan that he had himself propped up on a recliner with his jersey, for part of the wake.
Personally, I want to be sat in the audience. just propped up on a pew or whatever, as my freinds eulogise me they can see my grinning corpse.
Then, I wany my skull removed and cleaned, and donated to the UNC theater department for use in productions of Hamlet.
I want my ashes scattered on Invesco Field at Mile High, and I want a tombstone in L.A that reads:
"Here Lies Alf LaMont Who Died Heroically While Saving his Family from angry Zulus in the Natal Province
1976-1879"
I want that tombstone somwhere with a lot of foot traffic so people get creeped out thinking they are stepping on my grave while in reality my final resting place is in the heels and cleats of those damn Broncos who better win another superbowl before I die.
Just some thoughts.
Friday, August 19, 2005
His noodly glory unto thee...
As you know, the backwards bumpkins of the Kansas school board have decided to force unto their students the preposterous theory of intelligent design as part of the science curriculum. In response, a youngster named Bobby Henderson has created a religion based on a Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the whole thing has snowballed brilliantly into an Anti Intelligent design movement. The
Ask yourself WWFSMD?
Update:
Please take a moment to check out the
Pay particular attention to the appearnce schedule for Aug 28.
That's right folks.. I was raised amongst them.
Oh Christ No! No! Put it Away! Why God?
carrottop
As if he weren't tragic enough.
As if his strange eyebrow plucking in the style of Gloria Swanson, didn't make him a total freak.
I'm sure he's got some hilarious prop to describe steroid use.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Finally! A Match for Hercules the Liger
I'm usually for the imminent pulverisation of unwanted wildlife, but i have to say its a crime and a shame that those hilbillys in FLA couldn't see this animal as a delicious freak of nature that should be captured and oggled at by people with no teeth, not blasted away by some bumpkin.
Orlando
June 16, 2005
Titusville - Anita and Charlie Rogers could hear the bellowing in the night. Her neighbors had been telling them that they had seen a giant alligator in the waterway that runs behind their house, but they dismissed the stories as exaggerations. "I didn't believe it," Charles Rogers said. Friday they realized the stories were, if anything, understated. Florida Parks and Wildlife game wardens had to shoot the beast. Joe Goff, a game warden with the Florida Parks and Wildlife Department, walks past a 13-foot, 1-inch alligator that he shot and killed in their back yard.
Orlando
June 16, 2005
Titusville - Anita and Charlie Rogers could hear the bellowing in the night. Her neighbors had been telling them that they had seen a giant alligator in the waterway that runs behind their house, but they dismissed the stories as exaggerations. "I didn't believe it," Charles Rogers said. Friday they realized the stories were, if anything, understated. Florida Parks and Wildlife game wardens had to shoot the beast. Joe Goff, a game warden with the Florida Parks and Wildlife Department, walks past a 13-foot, 1-inch alligator that he shot and killed in their back yard.
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan
So when i found the sweet Nueva California Flag that I posted with my blue state rant, I came across
Behold...
The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan
"Podex Perfectus Est"
UN Category: Scandinavian Liberal Paradise
Civil Rights:
Excellent
Economy:
Basket Case
Political Freedoms:
Very Good
Location: The North Pacific
The Grand Duchy of Alfghanistan is a tiny, safe nation, notable for its punitive income tax rates. Its compassionate, intelligent population of 6 million enjoy extensive civil rights and enjoy a level of social equality free from the usual accompanying government corruption.
It is difficult to tell where the omnipresent, socially-minded government stops and the rest of society begins, but it is mainly concerned with Social Welfare, although Healthcare and Education are on the agenda. The average income tax rate is 57%, and even higher for the wealthy.
Voting is voluntary. Crime -- especially youth-related -- is totally unknown. Alfghanistan's national animal is the puffin, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its currency is the Doh.
For the Official Site of the Grand Duchy, please click
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Someone is more clever than I am...
Dear Red States:
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've
decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking
the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes
Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the
entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and
especially to the people of the new country of New California. To sum up
briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer.
You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get
Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of
America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get
two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their
fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If
you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and
they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets
coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn
up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's
Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90
percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the
U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the
Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech
and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to
cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans and their projected health care
costs, 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob
Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the
Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent
believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing the death penalty
or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent
that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards
believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New
California
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've
decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking
the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren't aware, that includes
Hawaii, Oregon, Washington,
Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the
entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and
especially to the people of the new country of New California. To sum up
briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer.
You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get
Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of
America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get
two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their
fair share. Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the
Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of
single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If
you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids
they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and
they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets
coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn
up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's
Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple
and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of
America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90
percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the
U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the
Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech
and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to
cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans and their projected health care
costs, 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the
tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern
Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob
Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the
Red states believe Jonah was
actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent
believe life is sacred unless
we're discussing the death penalty
or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent
that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards
believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New
California
Monday, August 01, 2005
Constantine
As i recall the gist of that movie was that Keanu Reeves died, went to hell for two minutes, and then came back all changed.
I was in hell for about a week, and though I'll skip over the details, let's just say that among the ruins of the last week of July Lies my residence, my vacation, and very nearly friends and job. So i'll spare you all the ghastly details work and friend realted, and move to the sordid affairs of Saturday and Sunday.
I started the Day with the dropping off of Two Metric Tons of Laundry, one ton of Dry cleaning, and donating three elephant's worth to charity.
Then, it was off to Little Tokyo for Lunch and the purchasing of accoutrements for the evening's festivities.
My brother and i ate some Yakitori, bought some headbands, and huffed on over to the paradigm softball game, just in time to heckle some really deserving people.
This is me at the beggining of the evening.
Please note the fact that I am standing. This will not be the case later on.
Drink Score:4
We then prceeded to the beac, where a Karate Kid Party was in progress. Being the coolest guys there, my brother, Ice-man and I had a few drinks, talked to some chicks, scored some digits and continued to the next party.
Drink Score:8
At the next party I pour myself a bourbon on the rocks and eat a few rice crispy treats and a brownie or two,
I recall nothing after that.
It's monday, and I'm still hung over.
I was in hell for about a week, and though I'll skip over the details, let's just say that among the ruins of the last week of July Lies my residence, my vacation, and very nearly friends and job. So i'll spare you all the ghastly details work and friend realted, and move to the sordid affairs of Saturday and Sunday.
I started the Day with the dropping off of Two Metric Tons of Laundry, one ton of Dry cleaning, and donating three elephant's worth to charity.
Then, it was off to Little Tokyo for Lunch and the purchasing of accoutrements for the evening's festivities.
My brother and i ate some Yakitori, bought some headbands, and huffed on over to the paradigm softball game, just in time to heckle some really deserving people.
This is me at the beggining of the evening.
Please note the fact that I am standing. This will not be the case later on.
Drink Score:4
We then prceeded to the beac, where a Karate Kid Party was in progress. Being the coolest guys there, my brother, Ice-man and I had a few drinks, talked to some chicks, scored some digits and continued to the next party.
Drink Score:8
At the next party I pour myself a bourbon on the rocks and eat a few rice crispy treats and a brownie or two,
I recall nothing after that.
It's monday, and I'm still hung over.
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