Off to the Burn

bm_bingo
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

Its settled folks, I'm going!

Aliens on my back

I went and had a bit of hair maintenance done on my back this weekend.

As I walked into the place (Vietnamese?) where the wax ladies are, i saw them recoil in horror.

Rather than the usual one lady attending me, I was led back by two ladies this time, both short and almond eyed. They led me to a back room with a massage table and both of them went to work on my back. As I was sitting there under th clinical glow of flourecent bulbs, a thrid lady came in and began yapping away in Vietnamese? Taiwanese?
As the other two happily ripped hair from my back

I thought to myself, this is exactly what an alien abduction must feel like.

Hooray for...

My friend who works by the beach often comments on how strange "Hollywood People" are to outsiders, and how the town is often reffered to as Hollyweird. The remarks Irk me. I make a living in this town, and so do hundreds of normal people who eat, drink , sleep, and shit like everyone else. Of course we sell OUR shit. Anyway, I point out that beach communities are often ugly and prematuely aged due to sun damage, and that aloha floral prints went out in the late nineties.

Today, i got a rare dose of Hollywood at its most primal. All I can say, is that the desperation of an Actor who needs work, is a sad and sorry affair.

We get a call at 11:00 for an actor from Australia, who happens to be gay, and Asian. The role is of a Psychotic fashion Designer from Australia, of Asian persuasion, who is gay. Well, huzzah! The Day has come. Now mind you, this man is not a client. He's a friend of my boss, and this is a favor. Well, here's his opportunity. Unfortunately the Appointment is same day! Aiieee! In two Hours! Aieee Aieee! We call. His cell has been disconnected. We call his friend's house (Where he is staying), we talk...he has no car. My boss then offers to have me drive him.

Drive my new car? To the Disney Lot? And skip out on Work? On A Gorgeous day? Helllzyeah!

We drive there, and I get all giggly at the whimsy that surrounds the workers of the House of Mouse. We get to the place, sit down, and await his turn.

He goes into the office, and there's much screaming.
Actors.

He comes out sniffling, and all flustered,
Whatever...Let's go.
We're walking out, and I notice he had a bottle.

"You got a bottle of wine out of it."

I quip.
He continues to walk and nods,

"And some Fake Blow,"
In pseudo surprise.

He then tells me he spit on and Licked the assistant who was reading with him.

Jesus Fucking Christ.
Does no one ever tell these monkeys, that you don't lick and spit on people for ANY reason?

So we get a PISSED I mean, PISSED call from the Casting Directors.
So we field calls back and forth all day on this idiot, and we get a phone call from Las Vegas. One of my Boss' friends has a great Australian Daredevil she needs to meet. He's going to jump over the sphynx of the Luxor on an ATV.

Fucking great. And maybe he'll whip it out and piss on the audience as he sails to his death.

Fucking Australians.
Fucking Actors.
Fucking Hollywood.

Tired Old Ass, Film Reviews.

Statler and Waldorf of Muppets fame are reviewing movies for the time being. To my suprise, despite the lame "Family friendly" muppet stuff, they manage to get across some zingers on Hollywood. They make a pretty funny comment about prefering Gene Wilder of Johnny Depp. In fact, I enjoyed it enough to add it permantly to the sidebar as "Movie Reviews". Add that to my friend's blogs, and the weather by David Lynch...yessir. I'm achieving the swig of Alf nicely.

Final frontier.

scottycomputer
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

[faced with a 20th century computer]
Scotty: Computer. Computer?
[Bones hands him a mouse and he speaks into it]
Scotty: Hello, computer.
Dr. Nichols: Just use the keyboard.
Scotty: Keyboard. How quaint.

1920-2005

Master Shake

Master Shake
Originally uploaded by alflamont.

For the third time this month, someone has compared me to Master Shake from ATHF. I'm not bragging, i'm just saying some people know and others think. Me..I'm a knower.

Liberte' Egalite' Fraternite' ...Blogite'

Joyeux fete nacional a tous mes amis.
Si vouz voulez ecouter La Marseillese, cliquez sur le link aux le sidebar qu dite "Weather". Merci a Le grand Directur et fou professional David Lynch.


Viola" Pour leurs qui veut chanter avec la musique.

Allons enfants de la Patrie, 
Le jour de gloire est arrivé! 
Contre nous de la tyrannie! 
L'étendard sanglant est levé (bis) 
Entendez-vous dans nos campagnes 
Mugir ces féroces soldats? 
Ils viennent jusque dans vos bras. 
Egorger vos fils, vos compagnes! 

Refrain:
Aux armes citoyens, 
Formez vos bataillons 
Marchons, marchons 
Qu'un sang impur 
Abreuve nos sillons 

Urban Warfare

I was walking down Melrose with my new camera and my friend, when we came across this interesting window display. It's very Britney Spears.Perfect for the gun rack in the H2

Nobody Knows the trouble I've seeen.....

I was recently chatting with a bunch, I mean about 8-10 people from my circle friends. I don't like to brag, but I have often commented on the upward mobility and top 1 percentileness of the people I tend to hang out with. Having been shocked at some of my brother's group of friends, and their shaky lifestyles (I noticed several youngsters bearing many woulds of varying severity). And though I can't say all my friends are entirely guiltless of acquiring wounds within their years, I certainly can say, with pride, that there are no fresh wounds on any of my friends. I can say the same about unwanted pregnancies, drug addiction, violence in general. My group is a stable, sane group of well employed, and well educated people. Shockingly, as i was conversing with the nine, I found out a lesser known fact about all my chums. We have all, at one point or another, been handcuffed, put in the back of a Police cruiser, and taken to a holding facility of one form or another for various stretches of time. How can this be? As a group we range from the mild mannered librarian types, to the beastly binge-weekend types, but all of us had some time in the clink, and the stories to share. Here are some interesting Figures for you all to digest.



Since 1976, the USA has executed more than 970 prisoners. In 2004, 59 prisoners were executed (an average of one per week). Between 1990-2005, the USA executed the most child offenders in the world.

In 1968, there were 517 prisoners on death row in the USA. Currently, more than 3,400 are on death row waiting to be executed - legally. Death row numbers have increased about 4.9 times as fast as the American population. 68% of all death verdicts are eventually reversed by courts, due to various serious errors in the criminal justice system. Since 1973, 119 prisoners have been exonerated from death row.

The USA incarcerates the most people per head of population than any other country in the world. More than 2.2 million of the world's 8 million prisoners are incarcerated in the USA (1 in every 75 males). The USA has over half-million more prisoners than China, with only one-quarter of China's population. Since 1980, the USA incarceration rate has more than tripled. Currently, 6.9 million Americans make up the correctional population. More than 4 million Americans are on probation and 800 thousand are on parole.

1 in every 31 Americans are either in prison, in county jail, in police custody, on probation, on parole, or on community service.

Each year, the USA incarcerates more than 10 million people. More than 2.3 million child offenders are arrested every year. More than 10,000 child offenders are held in high risk adult prisons.


Each year, there are some 3,000 reported deaths-in-custody. Ten years ago, only 150 deaths-in-custody were reported. The incarceration rate in the USA is currently 726 per 100,000 people. Almost two thirds of world countries have incarceration rates of 150 or below, per 100,000 people. The USA has the toughest prison sentences in the world, which include the death sentence and life in prison without parole.


On average, the USA homicide rate is 7-9 per 100,000 population. Texas, the country's leading execution state, has actually experienced an increase in the homicide rate. In the city of Los Angeles alone, there are 20-50 murders every 24 hours. The USA has the highest rates of childhood homicide, suicide and firearm-related deaths among 25 industrialised countries. There are more than 28,000 gun-related deaths every year in the USA. The overall firearm-related death rate among American children less than 15 years of age is 12 times higher than in all 25 industrialised countries combined. The overall firearm-related homicide rate is nearly 16 times higher. The firearm-related suicide rate is nearly 11 times higher.

(source: U.S. Bureau of Justice stats - Nov. 2004, FBI stats, USA Sentencing Project, USA Department Health and Human Services, Death Penalty Information Centre, International Centre for Prison Studies, Amnesty International)

Now get this.

In 2005, the adult correctional population reached a record high. If recent incarceration rates remain unchanged in the USA, an estimated 1 in every 19 Americans will be incarcerated during their lifetime.

Seems like we'll all be having a criminal past in common.

Elephant Girl

My friend Ben and I were sipping margaritas and noshing on Nachos one Saturday after sunning ourselves at a local Beach. As is common in Los Angeles, a woman more beautiful than we could have ever imagined walked into the restaurant. Our Cabo-Cantina Venus, was escorted by a very tough, but very miserable looking bald man who looked peeved, as his girlfriend or ward (It's tough to tell sometimes) chatted away on a heavily blinged Blackberry. As we both oggled the scene and wiped drool from our chins, young Benny turned and asked, with the wide eyes of inexperience,
"Do I even want a girl that hot?"

I recounted this tale:


In Old Siam, before it was known for gender bending, the elephant was revered as something of a holy creature. Even to this day, the elephant is known as an object of good luck in Thailand, and can be seen branded on the lower backs of many teenage prostitues. No other animal holds higher esteem in Thai culture.

When a WHITE elephant is born in Thailand, the entire country goes apeshit. The king and the entire royal family, travel to wherever the elephant is, and have some sort of party I think. I'm not exactly sure of the details, but I'm pretty sure they put a costume on the elephant, not a wig or anything like that, but gold and stuff. Regardless, the WHITE elephant is the ultimate symbol of good fortune and holiness in Thailand. You will even find it on the national flag

However, an astute king, King Rama the Somethingth, was known to present white elephants to nobles who displeased him.

How could this be? Why would you gift a priceless animal, who embodies all that is holy and fortunate, to your enemies?

King Rama knew that an elephant makes for a terrible gift. They eat much more than anyone but the extremely wealthy can afford, they run rampant over gardens, poop small houses evey five minutes, and are generally stinky and unpleasant. Very often this amazing gift spelled ruin for the haughty nobles, who could not return or deny such a blessed creature.

Much like going to the zoo and seeing elephants. You admire and love them from afar, but what would you ever do with one if you owned it?

Sin City Brings Blog Notoriety

So I was in Las Vegas for the fourth of July weekend, and despite coming home pennyless and with a severe case of Post-Party depression, my friend Nick and I, who share the distinciton of being the two most clever and arcane assistants in Hollywood, scored blog gold. While skipping down the 200 degree pavement, on our way to the classless, ego-trip known as the Wynn (Where people can see a Lamborghini!!), we were handed one of many call girl cards that help keep the immigrant poulation of Las Vegas employed. One in particular caught Nick's eye.

"I think that's Elisha Cuthbert"

Knowing Elisha From the Thighmaster's Endless Raves, and being a fan myself, i went and picked up the already discarded card. Sure enough, the milky-white mug and pouty lips of one miss Cuthbert appeared with the promise of $47 gratification (Visa and Mastercard accepted). Nick exclaims
"This would be great Defamer material"
I agreed and stored the card in my wallet as Nick did the same.
Nick Submits to defamer and BAM! There it is. Our favorite Blog posts something from our trip. Not two seconds later my other favorite Blogs (Thighs Wide Shut, and Pink is the New Blog) also have comments. Glowing in the light of our victory, i start thinking..I SHOULD HAVE POSTED HERE! And then LINKED to the other blogs so I could get more traffic. Nonetheless, this proves that we are just petty enough, and just strange enough to run with the big dogs. Now If only I weren't so Lazy about posting, and if only Nick got a Blog....Ahem.