Star Wars Geek 101

Oh what a severe amount of dorkitude I’m about to embark on. What unmitigated nerdery I’m about to commit. Since the opening of Episode III, I have seen my role as ambassador to the world of ten sided dice and all things fantasy, expanded. You see, it’s not that I’m all that INTO sci-fi. But rather, I’m unable to have a passing interest in things. So if ever I found a comic book intriguing, I immersed myself in the literature, so I could at least enjoy some fluency in Comic Book speak. That being the case, I have now found myself to be fairly fluent in Star Trek, Star Wars, DC Comics (Specializing in Green Lantern , with conversational Batman, and Superman), and Lord of the Rings. I can flash my knowledge on any number of nerd subjects, and keep up with nearly any conversation, without betraying my inherently normal tastes. Star Wars however, holds a special place in my heart for many reasons. Not the slightest of which is the affinity my mentor Joseph Campbell held for the original triology. So when I write essays where I compare the Ramanaya, or the Journey of the Buddha, and Treasure Island to Luke Skywalker
(The Name “Sky Walker” in and of itself alluding to a heavenly disposition) , my friends are bound to ask me-
“What the hell is going on?”
It’s been four years since the last episode. Clone Wars, Sith Lords, Romances, and Jedi are all over the place. Many people who could care less about the politics of the Galactic Senate are still interested in the back-story to episode III. So, for the uninitiated, and probably better looking segment of society I offer the following synopses of the first two films, divided by characters, and a guide of what we KNOW must happen in Episode III, if we take our knowledge of the original triology.





Episode I



Episode II


Things To Look For in Episode III

Lion/ Midget Gem

This may be my favorite News post of the year!
How often do Midgets and Lions meet? How often do they fight?



I guess In Cambodia the answer is at least once. 42 Midgets, one Lion. What could go wrong? Read on my Brothers and Sisters this GEM from the BBC.

UPDATE!!!!
My Friend Lindsy, who is also amongst the cool chicks of the world alerted me to this.
Proof I'm afraid, that wishful thinking doesn't always make it so.

Fun with a Hun

Have you ever wanted one of your own? Does a hacking spittle riddled Language Turn you on?

Then ACHTUNG BABY!

Angels and Deeznuts

You know when you have a friend, and they suddenly discover a band that you’ve always loved? Remember how retarded they sounded when they tried to talk to you about the band, and the resentment they built? You almost considered disowning them because you knew this already, and THEY weren’t even scratching the surface of your VAST knowledge on the subject. Remember that feeling? I just wasted about three hours of my life with the most vapid, blithering, concocted, mass produced, pseudo-intellectualist, piece of fluff-lit, that my hands have ever come in contact with. I have read the literary equivalent of Paris Hilton, and damaged my sensibilities, possibly forever. The thoroughly researched (If by research you mean a google search on the Vatican, and the Illuminati) piece titled Angels and Demons, was the precursor to the slightly superior piece of shit, The Da Vinci Code. As I gaze at the beaten paperback copy of this (Beaten because I threw it several times) master-crappery, I read the back cover and a man professes his love for the author, Dan Brown.

“Dan Brown has to be one of the best, smartest, and most accomplished writers in the country”
–Nelson DeMille

“Nelson DeMille has to be one of the dumbest, most illiterate, bumpkins in the country. Either that, or he’s a computer literate chimp.”
-Alf LaMont

Why anyone bought this book, or the equally watered down and ridiculously simple DaVinci Code, eludes me. Harry Potter with all it’s acquiescence to children is still more sophisticated in its turn of phrase and less apologetic in its skin that the tragically retarded Angels and Demons . Dare to imagine with me here, a world with a super secret society that leaves behind a map and secret clues. Now imagine these clues to be so simple that a blind, deaf and wheelchair bound child, could easily decipher them, and now watch as the Vatican, a Harvard professor, and an Arabic “Hassasin” (Google it like the Author did) all get mixed up like an unsophisticated Marx brothers film. To say I loathed this book would be too kind. I hate the publishers for throwing out this dribble, I hate the Author for writing it, I hate my friend for offering it, and I hate myself for almost finishing it.

I was Four pages from the end, and could care less.

Nerdy Nupitals

My good Friends mAc and Dinah (Their Blogs are linked to in my Friends section) were married last night.


Naturally, during a wedding one asks themselves many questions.
Will I ever marry?
Is the Bride pregnant?
What are people in the midwest THINKING?

But my primary question, my solid bafflement of the evening came not at the hands of the wedded couple, who are ripping people with excellent taste (Tell me Han and Leia on the cake isn't classy), but rather at the hands of many of the guests. It has come to my attention that the nerdier people are, the easier they find love. I remember a particular batch in college that we used to refere to as "The Pirates" because college is far more mature than High-school where we wouldn't have reffered to them at all. It was my academic observation that all these people, including the pastiest and puffiest of them, were not only in relationships, but engaged in frequent congress with each other and were very vocal about it. I was certain, that even casting a ten sided dice, would render you impotent. Women go sterile at the sight of a man in a cape and a jester's hat with bells, but here they all were. Sallow skinned, fringe, flab-monsters, with a happy relationship. More to my horror I realised that many of these relationships end in marriage. Early marriage at that. Too too many of the "Pirates" had married before college had even ended.

Is it possible that severe nerdery is such a niche, that when you find like minds it is an immediate attraction? As someone fluent in Nerd, i hesitate to think it's as simple as "I like Buffy, you like Buffy, let's mate."

My friend Nick (Who provided THIS excellent bit of Nerd Erotica), thinks it has to do with the sudden pleasure of human contact, mixed with the fear of never feeling it again. He maintains that the first, is usually the only for the geeky. It is his theory that whomever breaks bread, and shares the bed of the spotty-faced D&D afficionado, is most likely to become Mrs. Mega Nerd. Or to use a direct quote "They get so excited that someone lets them stick it in, that they figure they better get married or it won't happen again."

I Paraphrase of course, but the "Stick it in" part of the quote is entirely accurate.
Nonetheless it gives us pause. Those of us who strive to be well adjusted members of society, like my newlywed friends. Those of us who don't doff the pirate hat, and have never owned a pewter Dragon that holds a krystal, but still seek love. Are love and an interest in Lord of The Rings only compatible when you dress like Gandalf? mAc and Dinah seem to prove otherwise, but the numbers certainly do speak volumes.

The Japanese, Sand Sculptures, Watermelons, and Frodo Baggins; A Love Story

Ok, so we know the Japanese have a different sense of taste, ethics...reality. Check out these commercials, and tell me there's not something a bit askew about the society that these would sell to. While there, please enjoy some sweet Sand Sculptures (Two Links there), a Dictionary of Limmericks (With a wee poem about an aorta to get you started) , and polish the whole thing off with this blessed reunion from the Lord of the Rings. That should get you through the day, and prep you for my upcoming rant.

Yeah, so it's been slow.

The Emotional lives of Stormtroopers

Hath not an Imperial Stormtrooper eyes? Hath not a Stormtrooper hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you blast us with a lazer, do we not die?

Llama Llama Llama Llama La- Chameleon

Let's just say that this might be the best song about Llamas...ever.

Vegas Magic

So I was in Vegas this weekend and though that desrves a thorough posting, I wanted to comment on the sad state of magic. Sure there's Penn and Teller, and The Amazing Jonathan, who's acts are funny and interesting and exciting. But most of magic nowadays seems to be overrun by Lance Burtons and Ziggy and Roy. Bedazzled, fairies who wear so much makeup that it puts Kabuki actors to shame. With enormous gestures and the now inevitable white tiger and menagerie of endagered creatures, they prance about the stage, and rake in the Dough with the same eight tricks done in fifty variations, as the magicians of times gone by roll over in their graves.

Wow! She can be levitated! Watch as I use this Hoola Hoop to prove it. Wow I can cut her in half and then pull a pheasant out her ass...where did it go? Please step up here sir...now bend over, It was in YOUR ass all along! Now i will slice her into five pieces, and feed one of them to my white tiger. I close the door on the cutting chamber, and...PRESTO! She's whole AND holding a Pheasant! Now if you step up here sir, we'll pull a White tiger out of your ass!

You get the picture. So for your Viewing enjoyment I'm posting these beautiful posters from the heyday of Magicians.